Out and About with Art
Spent the day out at an art fair in Downtown St. Pete. It was hot, I think my face got burnt, but you can see the shots here I'm sure I'll get around to adding them to a gallery, but for now, that's wha the cam highlights are for. I'm thinking of keeping it as a photo log of sorts so I can post random images (both webcam and digital camera) as the need/desire arises. I think that's easier then anything and the easier it is the more likely I am to regularly update it. (and updates are good things. lol)
Man, did I mention I think my face got a little burnt? Ugh. It hurts. I'm almost afraid to go look. It feels scortched.
Night at the Beach
I didn't get a chance to post last night as I was frantically trying to solve my table problem, but last night my Love and I went out to the beach. Gods, I don't know how long it's been since we have and it just felt so wonderful to be back out there. See, the beach is the place where I just Connect. I open myself up and embrace the elements, the night, the moon, and the universe. Think of it as a sorta meditation, sorta spiritual healing. It's a little of each and more.
So anyway, it was great. I realized just how much I desperately needed it once I was there. It's a weird time right now and things are messing with many people. There's this energy shift right now...it's hard to describe. Basically, it's called a "spirit moon" and it means that it's a time when the veil between the physical and the non; the living and the dead is thinned. Everything is getting a rush as they are able to move more freely through into "normal" reality. It's supposed to peek with the full moon and then taper back off to normal by the next new. Anyway, point is that it's messing with a lot of people - myself included. I've been feeling like I'm continually sleep deprived (though I'm not), and that I'm fuzzy around all the edges. It's a lot like feeling like you're buzzed (but I'm not). Anyway, it's been making me really cloudy; like everything was coming through a haze. So going out last night was a nice relief. It helped clear out some of the fuzz. Don't get me wrong, things are still weird and it's there, fogging up the back of my mind, but I at least don't feel like I'm sleepwalking so much. What's weird is the fact that I was all set to look out for things going on weird with others - but purposfully not mentioning things so I wouldn't "taint" people's ideas into thinking more was going on then there was - and yet it all found me. And, even more, I was stuck in the mire without even noticing it. It's weird... Orb went to a familier place by her mom's and was scared by her first real encounter with "ghosts" (they even showed up in pics she took as spheres of light)....Dawna has noticed a surge of activity and strange changes in energy around her and her house, Chris has been having problems with concentration, that same fuzziness, and even changes in inner dialogue (you know, when you think to yourself in your innner voice?). My friend JD has been feeling even more troubled lately and is having problems with his medication. It's weird. Everyone who's even remotely sensitive in any way has been reporting problems ranging from being spooked by otherwise familier places, to seeing/hearing things, to a lack of stability in reality. And I've been drifting in and out of it myself for days not even realizing it until someone else pointed it out. All I can say is I guess she was right and I'm glad she warned me I wasn't going crazy ahead of time. (she said it effects people like me a lot because as a medium, I'm already halfway to madness normally LOL)
So, the beach. It helped clear my head and gave me a basis for some stability again. I have to say though that I won't miss things getting back to normal since it's just been so full in my head lately. ;) (yeah, I realize how crazy this sounds, but oh well. It's true and it's part of my life and I want to write it down). The thing is that They (the elements, the Source, the Divine, that with which I Connect to when I meditate like that) told me to brace for Change. That Change was coming in my life and that it would be hard but it would be good. I don't know where it's going to come from though. They made sure to remind me that it was ok, and that I would prevail, but to know that Change was on the way.
And then there were Two.
The other weird thing is a felt someone with me last night...and I relized that he's almost always there and I just never noticed before. Just behind my right shoulder, I always tend to "feel" things...I used to think that it was that for some reason I felt ghosts and spirits there and just took it as that. But after last night, I have to think differently. It was as if I could feel him hold me last night; wrapped around me from behind in comfort. I was frightened, but They said it was ok; that he is always there to watch me and it is just that now I have finally noticed him. This is weird to me. I've never given much thought to the notion of people having "guardian angels" or "spirit guides" (despite having seen spirits that hung around others...I assumed it was personal connection that kept them their hung over from life, not that it was as a watcher). I also always thought of myself as the watcher, I guess I never thought an angel needed an angel. *soft laugh* It's weird. Part of me is really frightened by this thought - and the fact that I can just "feel" him there all the time now - and the other part is so comforted by his presence. It's like it's so familer...like being wrapped in wings, I just want to fall into that embrace and be safe. But that's so not me. I'm the one doing the be strong; be tough; help others before yourself kinda thing. I find myself wondering all sorts of things about this....from allowing myself to accept where I am now, but at the same time, realize that the Divine still loves me (that I'm not shunned, just learning, and because I'm not shunned, I'm still looked out for)...things like if he's there and so familier to me, why can I not speak to him as I can with other spirits? It's all feeling thus far, but will it turn to more in time? And why does he feel so familier? Do I know him from Before? Will I know him again? Have others known he was there even when I was ignorant? Can they too see him as well or is this for me alone? And, one I fear the answer in either direction, is my ability to perceive him limited to this odd influx of the moon and will I lose touch after it's over?
Oh it's all confusing and I don't know what to think about anything. Not to mention I still feel half-crazed thinking any of it, but that's my boringly mundane side trying to hide in the corner and pretend the world is black and white. I know it's not, so I'm making a point to stop trying to convince myself it is. Maybe that's where this all came from. My "return" so to speak into the realm of acceptance and understanding and perhaps even taking happily whatever purpose the Divine has cast for me. I guess for once in my life I finally feel like I can trust in Her and somehow it will be ok. Gods, I sound like some religious zealot, but it's so personal it's impossible to accurately put into words.
A Dream
Before I go (and I need to, my food grows cold in the other room) I wanted to also record the weird dream I had. The sum of it was that I discovered I was pregnant. This was a nightmare to me since I do NOT want children. I did not know what to do though because although I 100% believe in the right of a woman to choose to have an abortion or not, in my dream, I did not know if I could do it for myself. So I was stuck. I was so horrified and fightened and it left me shaken when I woke. Now, even hours later, I can feel the terror at the idea of being pregnant. Ugh...let's all hope for a dream just being a dream.
The End
I need to close here now. My dinner's gone cold while I type. Comments on anything welcome. Until again.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/21/2002 09:28:53 PM ~
~
