Gods I'm at that place again...that place where things that please me, or make me smile, or hell, just make me feel are fleeting moments that fail to linger. Days later, they do nothing for me as I drown again in the voice in my head chanting over and over ...i hate my life....i hate my life...i hate my life... Even the small pleasure of my target dog coming today is a distant bit of happiness, lost under the swirling thoughts of depression and failure. Of misery and how badly things are - everything - and how I just don't want to continue facing it. How each moment just slaps me in the face with the knowledge of how pathetic I am. How it berrates me into believing I'm worthless and useless. How obvious it is when I risk losing - all tomorrow - my car, my license, my cable, my electricty, my internet - because not one person has wanted to meet with me for even an interview in two months. not one I am an utter failure. Useless even to myself.

And so I take the step off the edge - not even having that choice, having it thrust upon me as I am pushed by my inner demons - straight into the heart of depression.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/30/2002 06:39:16 PM ~ ~