Jeez. So I had an appointment with the Health Department today at 2pm. I'm out of birth control pills and since I don't have a job anymore, I don't have insurance anymore either. (Therefore, the $45 per month for the cost of the pills are just not possible). Got there early in hopes of getting out with time to go get my tranmission fluid changed. (both things are about 20 miles north of where I live and I don't get up that way often) I end up getting there like 1:40pm. Of course, then I sit and wait. And wait. And did I mention wait? Oh yeah, for like 2 hours. They finally call me in at like 3:30. It takes all of five minutes for them to see me and give me my pills. That it's. Doesn't cost me anything since I have no income (yeah for the Health Department) and I have four month's worth now to hold me over. It's just....two hours waiting Ugh. How utterly and completely boring. No magazines or anything even to read and I forgot my book. I hadn't eaten anything and had to just sit there and watch as every other person who came in after me got called in and got to leave, until the entire waiting area was empty - I was the literal last person in there - before I got called. Talk about a day of frustration. So, by the time I got out of there it was after 4pm and I didn't have time to make it over to the shop to get my fluid changed.

So then I go to get gas on my way home. My car is literally on "E" and I've got 20 miles to go to home and $4 in my pocket. Turns out the freakin' bank has turned off my check card again - denying me access to the money within my checking account - and leaving me with literally not enough gas to get home nor money to buy gas. I call and talk to the damned collection lady (I'm still behind a payment and a half on my loan) and she's all snobby; saying I didn't make a partial payment last month like I promised. I never told her I could make one by April 30th specific, just that I'd make one as possible. Shit lady, I lost my freakin' job, I didn't agree to have you freeze the funds in my account. Bitch. So now, get this, I have to make a $70 partial payment now (yeah right), then my full $274.70 car payment before May 20th (ha), AND another $70 partial payment before May 31st (wtf?). Pardon my french but FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! NONE of that is possible, least of all, all of it! I can't even claim my unemployment until then end of this week for a check in like two more weeks! (at a whopping $167/week). ARG. Where the fuck do they think I can pull this money from? And, she's all saying there's like $700 in the checking account. Sure there is, it's called my Love's two week paycheck which is needed to cover our $620 rent and leave us with almost nothing until he gets paid again in TWO MORE WEEKS. Fucking nazi bitch. Won't turn my card back on so I can't do silly things like call Time Warner and make a payment over the phone with my checkcard or anything. Not to mention, oh I don't know, get out $20 from the ATM so I can put gas in my fucking car! ARG. I hate these damn people. I mean, I've already paid like over $10,000 on my car loan. I only have like $2K left and they're pulling this kind of shit!

And then, I'm freaking out to the point of sickness over my consulting job tomorrow. I mean, I'm so thankful to have something that will lead to some funds, it's just that I'm so afraid of looking like an idiot. I can - given a bit of time - learn just about anything. I've done it before. It's part determination, part luck, and part magick. But it's not like I know everything already or even necessarily what someone's talking about until I can figure it out. In a normal job, I have enough time to bring out the wizard in me and figure out what I need to know in order to do something and still keep up with my duties. But in this format, I'm afraid they'll just want me to accomplish a list of things I don't really understand up front and not have the resources to figure it out. And, therefore, end up looking like a complete ditz.

Arg.

Somedays I hate my life. Why is it that just when I start to come to some spiritual comfort in me, or to think of myself in a positive light for one reason or another, that things just hit me in the face and cause me to stagger and worry? Why do so many things come at me when I'm just trying to feel something good for a moment or two in my life??

Bah. Depression looms heavy again. And just in time for a uselessly empty and shallow 25th birthday.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/6/2002 07:51:28 PM ~ ~