So I'm frantically trying to catch up on things over the past week while at my friend's house using his net when I see I've been reviewed. Pretty cool. kacroon liked my journal and gave it a 4 out of 5. *smiles* That's actually really a warm, fuzzy moment right there. I mean, so much of my life and my heart and my mind goes into this that it's nice to see someone find it worth reading. Getting into the process of writing it has been an excersise in discipline but one I'm happy I've undertaken. There's just so much that goes on in life and I want to save it - the good and the bad - so I can always have it there as a reminder of who I am and where I came from.
Never heard back from the people on the interview I was on last week. Really depressed me. Thought I really nailed it and then to hear nothing.... *sighs* make it even worse then a call saying, "thank you but no" you know? I mean in two months I've been called exactly once for an interview and then I think it's great but they don't even bother to tell me no. Things are just going from bad to worse you know and I'm worried about the impact it's having on not only my own fragile psyche but those around me. My mother doesn't need the worries of my life causing her more stress and health problems and my friends don't need the burden of my inability to pay for anything and the constat mooching. And my Love....well he of course, doesn't need my despression nor the responsibility of making up my missing income, or the struggle to keep us fed and sheltered (forget anything further like our cable, internet or whatever). No one needs this shit and it's to a point where it's effecting them all and not just me. I don't want that. I don't want everyone in my life to be so hurt by my failure and inaptitude. I'm feeling like I'm just harming so many by my existance and the poor way in which I have eeked out a survival in life. I honestly think at times how much better off people would be if they didn't have to work so extra hard to overcompensate for my lack. My lack of ability to hold a job; my lack of ability to provide for myself; my lack of ability to fit in with society in the way I'm "supposed" to. I just don't fit and I see all these other people doing things outside those damned boundries and getting away with it and I want to be like that. I want to stop being a failure at conformaty and start being a success at my uniqueness. Why does it hinder me so instead of propell me somewhere better? Why can't I get the pieces to fall together for me in a way that I can use? Why are all the questions swimming around and yet refuse to resolve into something I can understand - and not just squint at? It's like it's so close some days - the answer; the way; the idea - but I just can't make it out. And I'm spinning my wheels in the meantime just failing at all the rest because it's just not me. It's not right for me and it's not what I'm supposed to be or do.
I just wish I could pull the rest into focus to know what I AM supposed to be and what I AM supposed to do....
So there. Deluge of entries from the past week should hold you over for now. I don't know when I'll be back here again. I find myself even more lost now during the day, alone, carless as I sit on my couch and stare at the walls, or late at night when my Love sleeps and I can not...there is no outpouring for me anymore; nothing to do to pass the time or try to be creative for when I can't interact with any others or show off my attempts...it's a weird sort of isolation...I feel so alone being offline; so seperated from anything and everything because there is so little else that gives me an output these days that without being online, I'm just cut off from the world and life. Like an animal in a zoo just watching the world going by from just one little window; such a small little corner of the world and so little to do or talk to. It's lonely and empty and so very, very boring these days. Seems I have even less energy to get up anymore because what's there to do? What's the point? When I can't even write an entry or speak with someone online and I have no one around in my real life....why bother?
Times like this I feel I could just write these unanswered questions forever. (but what a boring entry that would be, eh?) I guess I'll make myself close. I just hate when it's like this because it feels so final - like a little death. I have no idea when I can do this again so I don't want it to end in the hear and now...I'm afraid of everything right now and I don't know how to find the ways to not be....
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 6/12/2002 04:44:10 PM ~
~
