Tuesday June 11, 2002 8:45pm
Jef and Rand came over. My Love made dinner. Came in and laid down the last 45 minutes or so because I just don’t feel well. There’s nothing wrong with me, but all the same, I just don’t feel right. The guys are out in the living room debating some minute point on appropriate emotional reactions. I don’t know - I’m not listening. It’s just serving to aggravate me for some reason. I’m just wanting it to stop. And, I find myself staring out my window at the swiftly darkening sky wishing it weren’t. Earlier I was on the couch and the sun was peeking through the sliding glass doors and landing on my skin - my face; my arm. It felt so warm and right and I noticed the instant difference when Rand walked between me and it - the lack of that warmth and the feel of my skin being chill in comparison.

The last traces of light glow softly on the horizon and it depresses me and makes me feel a longing or a loss. It’s something I want to express - so much that I got up out of bed to open Word to write an entry and capture it - but it’s so vague and fleeting and words are so inadequate and hollow I can’t say it. I don’t even know what the point is or why I’m writing. I just do when I’m bothered even if I don’t have a real specific reason to be bothered and I don’t want to lose that habit by the fault of being offline.

I feel small and forgotten in some important way despite my friend’s presence and the fun things I’ve done the last couple days. It’s just like all this lovely stuff has been there to focus on the outside but nothing addressing that place within me. But I don’t know what it is that’s being missed - just that it is. *shrugs* I can’t say it better then that…

I guess I’ll just end this for now. Hopefully something will start to make more sense and I can capture it later.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 6/12/2002 02:29:31 PM ~ ~