last night could not sleep. sobbed and sobbed for about an hour at 2am. just broke down. everything just got to me too much and i couldn't hold it in anymore. had that meeting today with the recruiter (that I had to reschedule already from wednesday) but i missed it because my Love just let me sleep this morning - didn't wake me to take him in (my appointment was 10am and an hour away and he goes into work at 8am). i slept until almost 1pm. felt good. had dreams of being an astronaut. that was what i wanted to be when i was a little girl. went up in space twice in my dreams. was influenced a bit by my love of sci-fi, but pretty realistic and actually really sad to wake up from. felt like i was important in my dreams; like i had actually done something of use and good in the world....like i really did what i had always wanted to.
when i stopped crying last night and went to sleep, i was so petrified by how 'loud' things had gotten for me - so many spirits/ghosts/entities etc that had swarmed in while i was too upset to stop hearing them. i think it's sorta like staring at the sun - i can't turn the sun off but i can wear shades to help block the worst. i guess the same goes for my mediumship...i can't turn it off but i never realized just how much i really block myself from seeing until i was so upset i couldn't. i had to cuddle up tights against my love i was so scared and overwhelmed....silly of me i know - like i'm some child afraid of the dark - but last night, that's how i was. so small. so scared. so helpless and useless and damaged.
today joolo came over and he, my Love and I went and saw Lilo & Stitch. Joolo and i had seen it the other week but both wanted to see it again and my Love had not seen it at all (and loves elvis and disney so we knew he'd like it). thanks again to joolo who paid for it since we didn't have the money to do it ourselves. after that, we went to the new popeyes' chicken they opened up over here and he bought us dinner too. i had never had it before but it was really good. moist chicken.
my love's trying to quit smoking and so far it's not going so well. we can't afford the patch or anything for him and he doesn't want to believe me that sneaking in one or two cigs a day isn't helping his body recover from it's addiction - that he's only making things worse by drawing it out. problem is that i know he doesn't really want to quit for himself, he just wants to for his family. his grandfather just died of emphysema and i know it's important to him and his family that he doesn't do the same. but it's not really helping him through the withdrawal because he really doesn't want to stop for him. i told him that addictions aren't a taper off thing - alcoholics don't just start drinking less, they have to stop and let their bodies go through the hell before they get better. he doesn't see it for what it is - a drug addiction. it's a drug and he's a junkie and that's what it boils down to. its a terrible truth, but trying to hide under euphemisms doesn't change the basic fact that smoking really is a terrible thing.
my hands hurt bad. like hurst to move them or curl them up. hurts to use my trackball. this sucks. i need to stop typing but i don't want to go to bed. can't sleep, don't want to think.....i'm so depressed it's not even funny. i can't even pass out into oblivion - my body doesn't let that happen. last night, i gasped and sobbed for an hour til my hands went numb and i got dizzy but do i pass out like a normal person hyperventalating? oh no. i sit and cry more. because my body hates me. *sighs* anyway, this hurts so i'm going...
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 7/19/2002 02:23:28 AM ~
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