Gods, a lot happened today but I don't feel prepaired to write about it yet. I don't know why exactly. Sorta trying to acclamate maybe to changes? I dunno. Just... a lot. And most of it decent for once, just I still feel bad. Sorta like, let down a bit...after so much suffering, I guess sometimes you think when it's finally over (or at least on it's way to being over) there should be more. Like it should be perfect. And you should be happy. But, instead, I'm just feeling kinda...I don't know. I can't figure out my feelings exactly so I don't want to say anything. I also don't want people to think I'm ungrateful or snobby or overly particular, it's just that things don't feel any better and I sorta feel like let down. I feel like people won't understand and that they'll think I'm stupid for not jumping for joy. I guess it's hard though when you've gotten to a point where you're so low that you can't see the stars anymore that when someone tells you they're still there, you still can't really see them. Or maybe, even worse, you didn't see them for so long so you remembered them as so much more then they turned out to be...?

It was a busy day and a lot happened but I don't want to talk about it just yet. Maybe when I figure out why or what it is I feel or why I feel the way I do, I'll try then.

In the meantime, I think I'm going to go dye my hair tonight. Did the strand test. Didn't look too different - just brighter - but smelled like shit. I hope I can handle it. Pics to follow if I do decide to just do it. (which I think I just might)

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 8/3/2002 12:40:47 AM ~ ~