Everyone keeps telling me not to get myself so upset over Kush-ka's health and that I should just "enjoy the time I have left with him" but how the fuck am I supposed to do that when everytime I see him, I realize that these are the last times I'll see him do _____. That, one day very soon - and far sooner then he should because he's in such great health besides the tumors - he'll be dead. I will have to kill him. I'll have to take him in, chose to do it and know I'll never have him back. I look at him and I worry about all the things that are so "him" that I'll forget over the years...from the way his fur feels, to the sound of his cute little voice, to the way he just looks right at you, eyes-to-eyes and you swear he knows what you're thinking. He has such a soul and damn anyone who thinks otherwise. He is my family and I just can't bear to see him all seemingly normal, knowing he's a timebomb that's eating him from the inside out. Thinking he probably won't live 'til Christmas, and he won't see his next birthday in March, and how there's not enough time...there's just not enough time...he won't be there when I'm upset anymore - he always finds me when I'm upset and sits with me, he just knows. I keep taking pictures trying to capture peices of him and his life so I remember, but the photos are not him - you can't catch that spark that makes Kush Kush on film or on the pc.

He's so cute. Curled up right now behind me on the bed. He's always in the room with me - if I move to the living room, he will too. If I go to the spare bedroom where my Love's pc is, he follows. He's my little grey shadow and I love him so much. I just don't want to lose him. It's not fair. He's such a good cat and such a kind soul and this is not the way it's supposed to be. I always KNEW when I was a girl and I first got him, I'd have Kush in my life 'til I was 30. He'd be 17 then. I just knew it. And now, here I am, five years early, and he's being destroyed by something he shouldn't even have; something so rare it's sickening. In perfect health, ready to go until 17, except for the tumors which are killing him. It's not supposed to be this way, he's not supposed to die like this. And I can't stop thinking about it. And all I want to do is be with him every moment and hold him, smell him, pet him, feel him...hear him purr, watch him do his "footsie" where he kneeds the pillows in his contentment. It's not supposed to end like this and I just can't stand feeling so helpless.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 9/5/2002 10:29:16 PM ~ ~