I'd babble, but I don't really feel like it.
I've just been feeling sorta...blah lately. The kinda lazy sorta boneless feeling where you don't really want to do anything even if there's tons of stuff you need to do. That depression-born-lethagry which sorta pours down all over you and makes each action like wading through quicksand. It's too much effort to do anything, let alone accomplish things.
Lately it seems I guess I don't feel the press of time on me for getting things done. It's like...well, it will be there next week too so if I can't get it all done now, what does it matter? I've been looking at money that way too. We have all sorts of bills and things that need to be paid and paid off, but I know we can't do them all at once. So why stress over it?! Just take what we can as we can and do the best with what we got. Unfortunatly, this isn't an attitude shared in my household and this makes everything stressful. Yes we owe money to all sorts of things from people to companies, etc. But what good does it do to get so upset that it's not getting all paid all at once? I guess I just don't see things as needing to be accomplished simotanously because it's impossible for it to get done that way. It's sorta like stressing yourself out for nothing.
Maybe through this process I've developed more patience for things. Maybe I've learned that you can't only not want but can't expect everything to happen at once. That you have to deal with timeframes and that's all there is to it. So, maybe this month Z isn't going to get paid, but because you did pay off X, you'll have the money next month to pay Z. To me, I accept that's just how it's got to be right now, but not everyone agrees with me...or, maybe, just gets more emotional about it. Logically there's only so much you can do and beyond that...*shrugs* don't let it bother you. You do a little here and a little there and that's the best you can hope for.
I don't know. I'm just accepting things the way they are and whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know. I just don't feel like getting worked up and upset over things that I can't change. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm just tired. And I don't want to feel that way anymore.
So I ended up babbling out an entry afterall I guess. I dunno. Take of it what you will, I'm just...blah lately. (but at least I'm not sick anymore. thank the gods for that) Maybe I'm just hormonal. It is that lovely time. (though the change in my Pill has thus far been working wonderfully and I actually started right at the time I was supposed to - something I've NEVER had happen in all my adult life)
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 9/17/2002 02:57:22 PM ~
~
