It's been pouring non-stop here since about midnight Sunday night (which, ironically enough, is about the exact time she passed). We went and saw my Love's brother this evening; the drive over there was kindy scary because it was so nasty outside and we have to cross a bridge to get to his place. I feel so bad for him and all of the family. Just more hurt and suffering. What a year for us all. My family and his. Losses...all around. I just keep thinking how it was only a few short months ago we were all gathered for his grandfather's funeral. I keep thinking of her being there; hiding the beginning stages of the cancer that claimed her in the end. It was only like five months ago. It just keeps playing in my head. And now this week, we'll be gathering for her funeral. It just seems so wrong some how; so broken.
My Love went to bed a couple hours ago and I was tired then and I'm even more tired now. But for some reason, I'm sitting on his pc, typing this out because I just can't bring myself to go to sleep. I don't know why either. He's there; warm, strong, to snuggle up to, be loved and held into sleep and I just find myself sitting mindlessly and staring off into space, feeling more and more worn out from not sleeping. At the same time, I crave his comfort, but it's like I'm not letting myself have it.
I haven't gotten enough sleep in several days now. It takes a solid eight hours for me to feel decent, and I've been getting five or six instead. Each night, I've been up later and later; some days meeting the sun before I finally force myself into my bed to collapse into slumber. My stomach's been a mess the last few days as well. Since Saturday night, it's just a mess of churning pain. It's always been annoyingly sensitive. Sometimes, for no reason, it just acts up and for days I'm stuck suffering the misery of it, having nothing to do but bide my time until it gets better.
...on and on, does anybody know what we are living for...?
I keep hearing this in my head. Not the Queen version actually, but the one from Moulin Rouge. Where she finds out she's dying and has to get her moment in the spotlight before it's all over. It's so raw...
...but my smile still stays on....
Anyway, I'm sorta out of it. I was trying to work on a christmas present but I'm finding myself just staring at the beads and instead of seeing a necklace out of them, I just see random beads. I think I'll try again tomorrow. I need to figure it out and send it off though so it makes it there in time... just with everything, I've not done it yet. Heck, we got our tree on Sunday - it's lovely - but not had a chance to decorate it yet. It's just sitting there in the living room looking back at us. Perhaps tomorrow we can spend some time in good cheer and live a little for ourselves. We need some of that right now. With all the bad things and the hurt, we need to remember some fo the good things and enjoy a moment or two.
...the show must go on...
That's about it I guess. I'm going to clean up the beads and make myself go to bed. It's already 4:30am.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 12/10/2002 04:27:34 AM ~
~
