So this morning the alarm went off, I grumbled and tried to stand up. "Try" is the opporative word here because the world was swimming around so much and my head was pouding so hard that I wasn't really successful at it. See, from doing all this data entry the last couple days straight, I've given myself a perpetual headache. My neck's been a disaster and it's been causing all sorts of hell with my head. There was just no way I was going to be able to drive in like that. Not when it's 20 miles of bumper-to-bumper commuting frenzy. (oh yeah, you can smell the love {sic}) I borrowed a phone - mine is still off because I'm really pissed at Cingular right now (if your phone fails to work for two months, you call multiple times but get no responce, and then finally get told to take it to a store for acutal phone repair, but as an apology, you're getting 200 extra peek minutes and a 1/2 month credit only to find your phone turned off the next day, you'd be pissed too) - and called in to tell them I'd be in late. Made it in by 10am so I got an extra 1 1/2 hours of sleep (and time for the painkillers to kick in). It helped a little, but I don't know when my head's going to be normal again. Ugh. (and no, that was not an oxymoronic statement)
Just for fun, got the stats on page hits for the webcam (which is located here now on zeronode.net. Man, there's a lot of people looking at it considering it's only listed in like three places!
/memory/ hits: 9942. Visits: 70
hits for /memory/webcam32.jpg: 47839
47,830 hits to see the cam? Jeez! I'm not that interesting at work people, really. *lol* It was off today but I'll bring it back Monday.
And on that note, short entry is over. It's almost 5pm and I'm itching to go home. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
There is no "one" truth in faith There was a topic on my forum about faith; Christainty in particular. A reply pointed out that Christainty is a "closed" system - you can be only that and not incorporate other ideas (like Taoism, Buddism, etc) into your faith. The poster continued on to state that this tends to make many such people close-minded because they have been taught to dismiss anything foreign as wrong, bad, or evil.
The reply that followed came from a Christain who took it as a personal attack and stated that there is but one truth. Truth is dependant upon no religion , religion should be dependant upon truth instead.
I disagree completely...and thus I replied as follows:
+ : : : + truth, like beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder Um, no. There is on ONE truth. Truth is as opinion, expression, or thought: unique and individual to all.
The post above did not state anyone in particular to be closed minded, but rather made a very valid point about how orginized religion is dependant upon being a one-way system to survive. You can come in, but you can not leave. You take their words only because others are "wrong." This tends to promote hatred through misunderstanding and is the cause of great suffering and misery over the years.
As I've stated before, there is nothing wrong with the idea of Christainty, but there are many things wrong with their spokespeople.
Reading the bible is fine, but it's as complete as seeing only the shade red of the rainbow. Don't ever think for a moment that there is ONE person out there who knows everything. There isn't and they don't. It's wonderful if you can find others who have a similar point of view on faith as you that you might share, but it's not mandatory to posess that faith. The truest faith is the one you have all on your own without pomp and circumstance. It's already there - whatever it is - and it's just a matter of realizing it. If, by reading a book you help yourself find it, by all means, read the book. But know the book is not the faith; just the means to help you find it. + : : : +
So, now...does faith dictate truth? Does it limit what is and what is not real? Or, are you like me and believe that whatever you can believe or imagine IS truth? That the act of having the faith makes the truth? It's an interesting discussion to say the least.
Thank goodness. Stupid thing wouldn't post. Kept saying there was an error with the ftp. (of course, my host saying things are fine, so someone was screwed up somewhere - I'm just glad it's not me!) Haven't had lunch yet...and not a lot of chance for it seems like today since I'm supposed to complete this data entry problem within the next oh...3 1/2 hours. Yeah, sure, I can enter like 2,000 forms in that time, yeah, no problem. Eat? Who needs that.
*bitter*
Have I mentioned just how much I hate data entry? Or how pissed I am that no one says they can help me (but it's ok if my work gets backed up)? Or that I'm even the one doing it in the first place? (this is not my skill. I suck at it. It hurts my wrists and gives me a freakin' headache. Last night I had a lovely migraine from this crap.) Grrrrr I am so aggravated I can't even put it into words.
Nothing like starting the day off with an irrelevant quiz, so here goes:
I Am A: Neutral Good Elf Bard Mage
Alignment: Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'.
Race: Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently conccern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.
Primary Class: Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.
Secondary Class: Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this.
Having never played D&D, I don't know if that's a good result or not! *lol* Althought it seems like I'm a really long-lived goody two-shoes who acts and does some magick on the side. Silly.
Ok, back to work for now. (more data entry. Joy of all joys)
Ok everybody, RANT TIME. (might want to step back)
So, I'm snooping through the referer logs of the journal, seeing where pepople came from and how they found me. One link, waaay down at the bottom is for a site I won't name because they don't deserve the credit nor the traffic. Let's leave it at the fact the site has nothing better to do apparently then search for sites they personally don't like and attack them to cover their own insecurities. So anyway, I browse through it, looking for where exactly this link resides. I finally find it. Yup, these people are certified assholes.
I've never gotten it. If you spend days reading through people's sites, (mis)quoting their words, their forums, and mocking them and their members for being "fags" (oh yeah, those types. Let me tell you, they have serious issues) doesn't that just make you a groupie? These people have spent more time on my site then I have. And they call me sad. Losers. They're spending all this time talking smack about my domain, about the forum, and about me - apparently, I'm a "gay queer fag" (oh I wasn't kidding about the issues) - and yet, they're the ones visiting. It's really sad when people have so little self-esteem that they are forced to attack others in an attempt to feel better about themselve. These people need one of three things: a hug, some counceling, or failing that, a sledgehammer to the head. Guess which one I'm voting for.
I did it. I cut it! :) I'm excited. It's never been this short before in my life. I'm putting the cam on today too so everyone can take a peek and give me feedback! On the way home, I stopped off and I took about 3 1/2 inches off. It feels so weird on my neck and shoulders, but it looks really full and healthy now. Plus, it's all almost one length again. (yippie!)
Anyway, enough with the babbling, let me post the pics.
So? What do you think?? :)
Man, I have the silliest journal ever. One day I'm upset and crying about my mom moving - a subject that is still too harsh to think about for any length of time - and the next I'm being such a girl. Sheesh. Getting girly in my old age. (the fact that the current layout is shades of peach should clue you in) I guess sometimes though, you can't be serious all the time and heck, cutting my hair is a damn brave thing for me. It's worth mentioning.
Perhaps another entry later. My boss is out so I might actually have time to sit, take lunch, and write another entry. Meanwhile...please leave your thoughts.
Yup. Nothing too drastic, just to my shoulders, but....need to nip those split ends and I could use a bit of a change anyway. I'll get the cam up tomorrow so everyone can see. Bye-bye long(er) hair. (for now) Not like it really matters, I pull it back 90% of the time anyway! *lol*
See what I mean? You won't even notice. (unless I actually put my hair down now and again now) :D
This is pretty cool. It's from www.colorgenics.com It's a personality profile based on your color choices. Mine was pretty accurate.
The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out ....
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people, but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat... and someone who understands you is so important in your life...
The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut, there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited...But if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that... since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person, you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.
Matters have not gone well for you. You are experiencing severe stress trying to guard yourself from further disappointments.It would seem that all of your hopes and dreams have not been realised .. and you are now beginning to doubt yourself. You no longer wish to be further advised by anyone and you insist on going it alone... to control your own destiny. Even though deep down you doubt whether things will get better in the future... you have one consolation - and that is that they couldn't possibly get worse. Unwilling to give up anything that you possess, you are looking for some sort of security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position and prestige. You are so negative that you tend to exaggerate your problems and refuse to accept any advice from so called well-meaning friends.
You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray .. and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have result in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer .... You have the power to succeed. Believe in yourself... All is possible to him who believes ....
Helped my mom move this weekend. It was a sad thing really. My mom has a house - at least until the close on the 28th of this month anyway - that she loves. It's only the second house she's ever owned. I lived there for a number of years myself when I was in highschool. It's a lovely home with two bedrooms, two baths, a huge living room, dinning room, family room, kitchen, laundry, two-car garage and screened-in pool in the back. She's on a corner lot - the former model of the development when it was built back in 1971. It has a lovely front courtyard, a huge oak tree out front, and a garden she planted and nurtured in the back. Over the years, she's slowly but surely made it a place she loved; a place she thought of as home. They tiled the floors, redesigned the master and secondary baths, fixed the roof, the pool area, and painted the kitchen. Her and her husband repaired and replaced and really made it her dream. She worked hard her whole life and finally had something to show for it.
So, then a couple years ago, my mom gets this disease It's called Scleroderma. (hers specifically is the CREST Syndrome version) It causes her all kinds of pain not to mention secondary problems such as Raynaud's phenomenon, systematic lupus, etc. It's debilitating. The medications which are intended to limit the spread and worsening of the disease seem more often then not to make her only worse. They cause problems with her kidneys; they cause problems with her heart; they cause problems with her blood; etc. etc. etc. The problem is that this disease doesn't make a lot of sense and it's not really understood. (She was misdiagnosed about a dozen times over the course of almost two years before she figured it out). So now, she's in pain all the time and is extremely sensitive to all sorts of things like the slightest changes of temperature - her hands go literally blue if she gets a chill. Her joints ache and swell and her knees and legs can't tolerate her standing for any amount of time. She struggles to maintain a full time job to pay the bills even with both her and her husband working full time jobs. Her health continues to deteriorate and she finally ends up in the hospital last week for five days. (seems her disease has caused fluid to collect in the area around her heart) I worry about her all the time and it hurts to see my young, viberant mother so continually reduced and made smaller by her own body...
Late last year they decided that she needed to stop working. She's almost 55; it's not like she doesn't deserve to stop working (she's medically disabled at this point and should have stopped two years ago) and she has become vested by the state for her years working for the government. To "retire" however, they need to sell the house. They simply can not afford it with any loss of income. So, it goes on the market. The whole time though it's for sale, my mom I can tell is secretly hoping it won't sell; or that it will take years so that she might stay there longer. It was something she did not want to do. She kept fighting to work, fighting to maintain her job even though it hurt her so much. She was afraid of the change and afraid of the loss and afraid of seriously and truly being disabled. Of being unable to be self-supportive. She worried about not being useful or productive and mostly, she was just afraid.
But the house sold. And sold quickly. And now, on Thursday it's no longer her house. It's theirs. And she's left without the ability to work or the home she loves. Instead, she's somewhere much smaller, needing so much work, and sacrificing so much of her posessions to make it work. It sounds so shallow, but when you're losing so much, something as simple as the loss of your dinning room table (for lack of room) can cut like a knife. It's not the table itself, it's the symbol for all that she used to be and used to have.
So, Sunday I went over there to help her unpack. To set up and try to make this second home her home. (the house is one that her husband has owned from before they were together, one that he's been renting out these years). I worked so hard to make it be that home for her. I unpacked everything I could, set up her pictures and the items in her hutch, all the while trying to make her smile at all the things she has and all the things she's had since I was little. I tried to do for her in small guestures what I couldn't do with money, or actions, or sheer will: give her back something of herself and her dignity and her happiness. She cried several times throughout the day and each time, I found myself crying with her. I hate that I can't do more for her and I hate that I can't protect my mother from the things that hurt her.
So, this morning I'm tired. Worn out and beat from having to do so much for her to help yesterday. Saddened that she couldn't do it for herself. And, more then anything, wishing she didn't have to do any of it in the first place. This is never how she imagined her retirement to be.
