I'm at work today for a couple hours because I promised my boss that I'd help him out and make up some time for going home sick on Thursday. Getting ready to head out now, but just had to share the freakin' awesome news...
I ORDERED CABLE AND ROAD RUNNER THIS MORNING!!!
Oh yeah, that's right. My installation is for Wednesday between 12-2pm. HOLY SHIT!! I'm a mere four days away from having an actual connection to the world again. YEAH YEAH YEAH YIPPIE YIPPIE YIPPIE! **m does the happy dance** I can't thank my friends enough for their help, but I can plan on something extra special to mention on Monday. Those of you who've helped out should check back here then. :)
Oh yeah, feel the joy.
Anyway, more about that later, but I just had to share the news before I went home. Busy weekend, gathering with friends, dinner with family, and going to the Renn Faire tomorrow! YEAH, more fun! Ok, I'm going to go bounce my way home now. Today, it's all about good things - I'm not even thinking about the rest. Happy days to me.
Getting ready to head home, but I wanted to throw out this problem...my very best friend is having a crisis of the heart. He's in love with someone who he doesn't think can (or will) love him back. He wants to walk away from it all but I told him he needs to talk to her before just throwing in the towel...that he might be missing out on something wonderful. I started babbling at him about what he should do, how he should say it...yeah, I mean I think you should let her know. and not in a "well, sorta kinda way", but in a look, I can't help the way I feel, I need to know if you feel anything too or not...I don't mean we have to be married today or anything, but I'd like to get closer to you...I'd like us to try to be together, to see each other, to see if we can work it out. I'm not asking for the world, but I would like to at least walk out the door... He called me a softie and told me I sounded like something out of an old black and white film. Guess sometimes I do. Sometimes, I'm not as cold hearted as I may appear and I can be downright romantic. Courtly love and all you know...
I worry about him in this. I fear that he'll find another way to hurt somehow through this. Insecurity, fear, or even rejection - so many ways to fall from the tightrope. I don't know what to tell him. It's not like my own love life is perfect; it's not like I know what I'm doing in my own realtionship half the time. I just try but it doesn't always work. Trying to tell him just to try is harder still. He's sad and he's lonely and he feels somedays - most days I fear - that he is undeserving of love; of a real relatiohip. It's like the dream I had a long time ago where I woke up with these words on my tounge: we are in love with the wrong people, in the wrong places, in the wrong time... He's just had too many wrong people at too many wrong times and now he fears all people and all times. I'm afraid he's going to allow himself to wither and die inside from this - this lonliness, this fear of rejection...and I don't know how to help him. I try to tell him he's worthy of love and that he's a good person, but me telling him doesn't help if he doesn't truly believe it for himself on the inside.
Most days I'm not sure he does.
Anyway, just a ramble I guess. There's no real ending and certainly no solution. Just words that I wish helped more.
Went home sick yesterday. Stomach was simply miserable...there's nothing worse then spending an hour in the bathroom at work, in pain and hating life. Went home and immediatly fell asleep which helped.
Feel a little better today but still sorta spacey; just kinda out of it. It's hard to focus on much of anything. Got my necklace in yesterday though. It's so pretty. (You can see me wearing it on my cam highlights page) I'm so glad I bought it, she really does some nice work. Check out TanZyr for your own handcrafted jewerly.
Anyway, I'm really behind on work, so I'm going to go. Just a check-in I supposed to say I'm alive. (if not feeling completely so).
Ok, since yesterday my pc crashed and took my in-progess entry with it, I'm going to try again to get some of it down.... *sigh*
Fighting Whities Found another link on the Fighting Whities. It's been hard to come by, but this one's a good one. Also, take a look here for a look at the blatant racism and sterotyping going on. (both links thanks to Enemy of the State for both links)
Took Kush to the vet on Tuesday. Had to leave work early to get him, and get there by 6pm. It's way up by my mom's - like 35 odd miles from my work. This is not the same nasty vet who ripped me off for all that money, but rather, my sister's vet, a really great doctor who spent over 30 minutes just talking to me about him, his life, his nature, etc. before even examining him. I brought him in because his left eye had been oozing this milky-white fluid and he was closing it. I also noticed the other day that there is some unknown lump on his chest. (those of you who are long-time readers will know this is very bad because he had extentive surgery for a cancerous tumor only last July. The vet says he has a viral infection right now which is really weird since he's indoors only and hasn't been around any other cat in like 6 months. He wants to do bloodwork to get an idea of how his internal organs are doing. (by the way, my cat will be 12 on Saturday) I agree and now somehow, I need to figure out how to pay for all this. I gave them a hundred dollars that night - the remainder of last week's paycheck - and another check for next Friday for the remaining $255. I don't have this kind of money. I don't know where or how I'm going to cover it. I haven't even talked to my Love about it because I don't want to upset him. I don't want to get into a fight over how much my cat means to me... And that was just for bloodwork...turns out that his kidney's are a little low on function and that he's low on potassium. Both could be side effects of the viral infection, but that's not certain. The lump is too small to do a needle biopsy, but it's definatly abnormal and with so recent a history of cancer. He's treating him with drops for his eye, antibiotics to prevent any other secondary reactions to the viral infection, and some potassium to get his levels normal. Pending that the lump doesn't get bigger too quickly, he would prefer to let the virus get out of his system before they do surgery, but if it gets any bigger, then it will need to be dealt with. It's in a really different place then the first one, and could be abnormal lymph nodes rather then another tumor, but even then, they'd still need to be removed. He also needs to have his teeth cleaned - with cats, it can cause heart, liver and kidney failure to leave their teeth stay bad, and requires them to be put under anesthia to do it - but that can be done at the same time the lump is removed.
Here's the problem. If it's $355 for exam, bloodwork, and prescriptions, how much would it be for surgery, biopsy, and teeth cleaning? Problably somewhere in the $1,000-1,500 range. His last operation was $800. Money I had to borrow that I've not even been able to pay one penny back yet. Time is of course, of the essance here - as always - and I just don't have that kind of money. Everyone wants something in bulk and I can't do it. I don't have it...Can I swing $40 or something? Yeah, I can figure it out. Can I swing $355 for the vet? No. Just like I can't swing $550 I'm behind on my car payment, or $600 I owe my uncle or $400 down payment to get insurance... I just can't do bulk. I don't make that much money and it just doesn't go far. My rent alone is 1 1/2 times one week's check, my car payment is almost a full check, and the vet bill WAS a full check. When do I get a break? When do I get a chance to do something as fucking mundane as come home after fighting for an hour in hell fucking traffic and be able to turn on the tv? Pick up the phone? Hop online? I don't have any of these things now because they're luxuries. I don't even have the money for the basic neccessities, screw the things that make life worth living. Screw the things that make you happy or give you a break from the hassle and pain of it all. I just can't shoulder these burdens anymore, I can't...I can't take this stress and I have no outlet to turn to. I used up all my friends and family last year - I don't have any place left to go this time around. Not like I want to ask for help, FUCK I'm so sick of having to rely on others to bail me out. It's like my digital camera...I've been wanting one for years and I promised myself, foolish or not, that I deserved to have something for myself once in my life. I planned to use my tax return to buy one, foolish or not, I'm so tired of denying myself everything in this world while watching others breeze by without a care. But now...? How can I justify spending $400 on a toy for myself - artistic yearnings be damned - when there's so much more looming that I need? What's stupid is that $400 is nothing to what I need and owe. It won't even put a dent into my debts, just get lost in the shuffle of money I need and don't have. It won't fix anything and it won't pay back in full even one bill I owe. Sucks, hu? The price of living is so much more then I can bear. When I made a sum total of $6,995 last year - the WHOLE year - but had over $20,000 in bills and needs...you tell me what's right in this world.
I find myself nose-to-the-wall again and I don't know that I even care. I just know I need to find a way to help my cat again and I'm out of options. The clock's ticking, the water's rising, and I'm just standing there. Where's the door? There isn't one. And I'm sick of holding my breath.
I feel the deep blue funk rising inside me and I think that this time, it may just win.
Still trying to figure out the background. *sigh* You can tell I'm psycho obsessed when I've made five different slight variations and actualy published them all...oh well, I'll figure it out yet.
This, in my opinion, rocks. I mean, it'd never be acceptable for their to be a mascot named "Slanteye" or "Spic" but it's perfectly ok for people have the "Redskins" and do the "Tomahawk chop." I say more power to these guys and I think they set a good example to raise the awareness of racism against the Native American.
Hoops Team Called 'Fighting Whities' Tue Mar 12, 5:32 AM ET
GREELEY, Colo. - Unable to persuade a local school to change a mascot name that offends them, a group of American Indian students at the University of Northern Colorado named their intramural basketball team "The Fighting Whities."
The team chose a white man as its mascot to raise awareness of stereotypes that some cultures endure.
"The message is, let's do something that will let people see the other side of what it's like to be a mascot," said Solomon Little Owl, a member of the team and director of Native American Student Services at the university.
The team, made up of American Indians, Hispanics and Anglos, wears jerseys that say "Every thang's going to be all white."
The students are upset with Eaton High School for using an American Indian caricature on the team logo. The team is called the Reds.
"It's not meant to be vicious, it is meant to be humorous," said Ray White, a Mohawk American Indian on the team. "It puts people in our shoes."
Eaton School District superintendent John Nuspl said the school's logo is not derogatory and called the group's criticism insulting. "There's no mockery of Native Americans with this," he said. (story thanks to Yahoo.com)
Ok, again as usual, we're a day late and a dollar short on the weekend recap. But, it's lunch time now, so let's try to get 'er done...
Saturday Worked Saturday morning then went home.
Ran around the mall shopping for something to wear for the Orchestra. My Love and my friend Rand meandered about bored. (hey, it was my Love's idea to go get me clothes and then he didn't want to be there when we got there! lol)
Hung out, watched some dvd's and was generally lazy.
Sunday Ah, the day of the Orchestra...started off by some general running around, some errands, and a last-minute stop to find me shoes and (apparently) a shirt and pants for my Love. Seems the lure of the mall was too much for him so we wandered over to Burdines and spent the next hour in a frenzied rush to find something. (it was 5pm and the store closed at 6pm, plus our show started at 7pm - can you say time constraints?) He really made out though since he got two dress shirts (one of them Tommy) and a pair of Claiborne dress pants for $36! Can you say "sale?" lol It was a great deal. We were both looking really great and my Love even commented, "We clean up nice." :)
What can I say about the show? I was wonderful. I had never been to see the Orchestra before - although of course, I've really wanted to - so it was especially wonderful for me. They preformed Mozart's Symphony No. 31 in D Major, K.297 "Paris", Jean Francaix's L'Horlge De Flore (The Flower Clock) with special Oboe soloist Martin Hebert, and Brahms' Symphony No. 4 in E minor, Op. 98. I was so taken by just watching these musicians play...to see them really get into the music. It was so amazing.
We were front-row and had a very close view of all the first-chair musicians and the soloist performed directly in front of us. Most of the show I found myself watching them, noting their motions and wondering what it would feel like to be in their places. Towards the end of the show however, my mind settled down and I found myself caught up in this sheer rush of energy...this swirling, massive wave funneling from them into the air. I became very sedate and yet so charged all in one. It was as if the music made a tornado of palpable energy - I could feel it prickle my skin, taste it as a tickle in the air, and watched it whirl in giddy motion throughout the theater. It was amazing. I left there so enamoured and energized - at a lost for words and yet bubbling with a sense of great happiness. Needless to say, it was a wonderful evening. *smiles*
After that, we went home, watched Interview with the Vampire on dvd as we ate fondue for dinner. Everything was so perfect and wonderful. I felt so happy, warm, and content. It was such a good day. My Love and I felt so...together. It was romantic and yet comfortable - none of the awkwardness of first-date romance, you know? More like the completing kind of melding you get from someone you know very well but are seeing again with new found eyes.
Unfortunatly, I have no shots of us all dressed up. Soon though, I will get my digital camera and you'll get no end of pics around here. lol That's the weekend recap, I'll get to Monday and today hopefully later.
