I'm here at work. Things are so fucking tense. Boss is in and out with some guy. oh joy. He's showing him around. so as he's explaining who is what and who does what he dismisses me like this that's m, she does customer service Ouch. Used to be actual handshake, explanation of how I do everything from mis to telecom to website, etc.
I could be athome and not stressed and not trembling from shitty circumstances. fuck I'm so tense and i HATE this part. get it over with or don't but FUCK don't make me sit like this. ::::tense:::: I need a day at the spa. (not that I've ever had one, but I have to imagine that it'd be nice and relaxing)
ARG. This sucks. I am so uncomfortable right now I want to die. Shit shit shit!!! And it's only 2pm. Three more hours of on-edge what's gonna happen. Not like I have anything to do. No one's even tried to give me anything to do nor asked me what I'm working on. All I can think is the strangely preverse joy in if I get fired today then I won't have to work tomorrow.
*whimpers* I need some papering. Unfortunatly, my Love just emailed me to tell me that his Grandfather had to go into the ER this morning and he needs to see him as soon as I get home from work, so this is not good. In a really selfish way, it also means I don't have anyone to be comforted by this evening either. *sighs* Things are so stressful I hate this.
Now that I've just gotten home - finally - from my sister's birthday part at my mom's (ugh, it's freaking 10:30pm!) I'm going to try to relax for a moment or two and then head to bed. In the meantime, just 'cause I don't really want to think right now, here's a quiz I snagged from Orb:
I somehow manage to drag myself here this morning only to be confronted with the following slap to the face: Either work this Satuday AND next to "make up" for yesterday, or go ahead and leave and don't come back. what the fuck is that?? Is that even LEGAL? To demand a person to work repeated Saturdays - they're scheduled day off - without even bothering to ask or FIRE them?? To give then ZERO days off (neither vaccation, nor sick/personal days), force them to work unpaid overtime (because of course, on "salary" you don't have overtime), don't pay them for federal holidays that the office is closed even on salary (because those are days when "no one is scheduled to work" and salary only pays you for "days you're scheduled to work") and then demand they make up a day off by working the next TWO weekends instead???
I didn't take a day off just so I could work another. I took a day off because I need a day off. FUCK FUCK FUCK. How can they do this shit? And watch, I'll get my check tomorrow and it will be missing hours for yesterday. I'll have been just put on hourly without informing me, without my consent and without anything in writing just so he can save a hundred bucks. (all the while ordering his shiney new $2250 laptop for himself and complaining that we need to watch every penny. "not a wasted minute, not a wasted penny" bullshit) Did I mention he's buying his wife a 2003 Mustang Cobra convertible for thier anniversary next month? Oh yeah, let's make sure we don't waste money - let's make sure it goes in his pocket.
Fuck. This is pure bullshit and I can't do anything about it. I can't afford to be even a week without a paycheck and considering I can't even take time off to see the Doctor, how can I take time off to get out of here?? I was so excited and happy about this job - the idea to really be useful, do creative things like the company website, newsletters, etc. But it's turned into being a collection agent, doing data entry, and taking it up the fucking ass from my boss who is showing his Mr. Hyde personality now. I am so sick of this shit I can't think straight. Fuck, like this is what I need in my life right now...
And endless chant within my skull speaks without breath and without pause since yesterday when I wrote the entry previous....ever repeating, and in my own voice is says over and over these words i hate my life...i hate my life....i hate my life..i hate my life...i hate my life....i hate my life...i hate my life...i hate my life....i hate my life It crashes in time with the rolling thunderstorm outside my window; matching my frustration and bitterness towards it all. This morning came in pain and downpour as I realized I simply could not face the day. No one thing - although many minor things like headache, stomach ache, and sheer weariness were included - was the cause, just the complete picture of suffering and mental anguish that seems to be all that's left of me these days. I've slumped officially into a funk again and feel this depression like a vice around my heart and head. Even this day is wasted as the number of things I could be doing; catching up on, or getting accomplished drown under my dispondant mood. The sheer desire to do instead nothing and turn my mind off so I can cease these thoughts fills my moments as the hours pass. Already four hours have I lost to sleep - an escape too seldom enjoyed - but upon waking, leaving me feeling all the worse for the experience. to die; to sleep...to sleep perchance to dream...
And, as if my need for escape were not on it's own bad enough, I now must "make up" these hours by surrendering my Saturday to my job. What then, is the POINT of needing a day off if I must work another in its sted??!! How now does this help me? How does this provide me any semblance of rest that I require? NONE of course it gives me; NONE which I am so desperately crying out for. And thinking this a new word adds to my chant in the space where breath would be as it rages within my skull: fuck.
Something more or better or happier there must be in this world! Why can I not find it for my own!?
**damn blogger was down so I couldn't post it...arg. I need off blogger.** _____________________________________________________________
What the hell is wrong with me??!
all I wanted to do in the whole world was go back to fucking sleep this morning. The alarm went off and my whole body just burned with unfounded soreness and hurt. Damn I feel like complete fucking shit today. I feel like I'm just gonna lose it today; like I’m hurtling towards either passing out or going fucking psycho once and for all. I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed. I'm so out of it and so achy and miserable I can't even think straight. Stupid as it sounds, I can only hope that I've gotten anemic again otherwise I don't know what to do. Anemia I can fix by iron injections but something else, well...fuck I don't know. And seeing as I have ZERO days off, ZERO vacation days and ZERO sick days to do something like see a Dr I don't fucking know what to do. I made an appointment for the hematologist for next Thursday – my supposed half day for working on Saturday is going to be spent at the doctor instead of catching up on rest or something silly like that. Who needs to actually take the time off for yourself when you can use it to cram in a doctor’s appointment instead? Can’t miss any time from work for something as trivial as a little dr’s appointment now can we? *sighs* I’m just frustrated. I need to see my primary for a host of things (from my ears being painfully stuffed up for months now, to a very scary and worrisome lump under my arm, next to my breast. {especially scary since we have a history of breast cancer in my family}) not to mention something as “trivial” as desperately wanting to see a dermatologist about the horribly ugly pores on my face. I’m spending $130 a month for health insurance I’ve not gotten to use once because it takes too much time away from work to do it. (like it’s my fault my doctor’s are near where I live an hour away from my work) I get my boss chiding me last week about how I’ve been showing a pattern of absenteeism again – yeah, either coming in a couple hours late because of suffering from horrendous migraine headaches, or going home early one day from a violent stomach flu. He’s like “well, individually, they’re valid reasons, but together, make for a loss of efficiency; everyone else has to work that much harder to make up for the loss.” He goes on to tell me that if this continues, he’ll have to put me on hourly. (like this is a bad thing!) Here’s the thing though, I’ve worked late literally every single night since I’ve started here. Almost every single night until at least 6pm. Many nights even later like 7 or even 7:30 a couple times. I NEVER get out of here earlier then 5:30 period. And rarely do I do more then run out, get food, and eat it at my desk. So, he’s getting me for about 9-10 hours a day, paying me for 8, and telling me that I’m a bad person for being sick a couple times?? I was so upset, I said exactly that. What about the fact I’ve come in on Saturdays to make up time – not that I have to, but I just thought it would be the nice thing to do – or the fact that I’ve worked every night late? His only reply is that it’s not about staying later, it’s about working smarter. Blah blah blah. Fuck that pissed me off. And a day like today when I can’t even have the benefit of the positive side of salary – being able to miss a couple hours and yet get a full check – added to the fact I never ever make overtime but always work it, and topped with the fact that I just feel like I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I’m so stressed I can’t even think about how to resolve this, let alone how I can do something like see the doctors like I need to without it being this huge argument. It doesn’t help when I look around and see the VP of the company being gone all day, moving on company hours, disappearing for hours at a time for an “appointment” coming back high or intoxicated and bailing out early every day. What makes it so wrong that I wish for the flexibility to ensure my health compared to that?? ARG. I don’t know what to do about anything. It’s not even that I hate my job, I just hate what it’s doing to me….how it’s making me feel, and how trapped I am to even make changes to it to better accommodate my health and my LIFE. I remember vaguely that I had one at one point and this is not it! I shouldn’t have to work a Saturday just so I can have time off on a Thursday to see the doctor! I need my Saturdays. I need my time to be me, to rest, to keep myself from going insane. I swear, I feel like I’m simply going mad. That for once and for all this whole damned corporate lifestyle where the company is more important then the individual is truly making me crazy. Not that I’d be able to take time off to talk to someone or bother with silly things like that, no…can’t miss time. Can’t be away from our desk, can’t just honestly not feel like facing it all somedays. No, can’t be that. Can’t be bad for the company. Must be a team player. Fuck that. Where is the “team” when I’m bleeding over and over from my damned periods that won’t stop but I can’t get to the gyno to try to make better? Where is the “team” when a candle is like staring into the sun and my head hurts to bad I can’t even cry? Where is the “team” when I get so depressed and forlorn that all I want to do is just drive off the road and fuck what happens to me? Where is the “team” when I’m so tired I can’t move or when I’m in such pain that I take Tylenol after Tylenol trying to just get a moment’s peace? There’s off having their own lovely lives, doing whatever they want because they can but I can’t. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick of being tired. I’m sick of being so unhappy and unsatisfied with what my life means. I’m sick of pushing things off – creative ideas or endeavors – because I don’t have time to do it and the few moments that I do have I’m too tired to think of it. I’m just sick. And I’m tired. And I’m sick of being tired and tired of being sick.
Ok, this is no joke. Just read a post over in Dawna's blog about how this is Autisum Awareness Month. I have to say that I never really knew much about it - just vague things I had heard on tv or in the movies - but Dawna actually has to live with this as she has an Autistic child. What a cruel and seemingly random disability this is. It really stopped me and made me pause.
Wow, a look behind Google's amazing ability to present amazingly accurate search results, the amazing: PigeonRank system. Wow, who knew they were so useful?
Hey! Speaking as I was earlier of my friend Joolo, he came over this evening. So, we were chatting with some mutual friends and I mentioned I could turn on the cam. He said sure and so he and I spent about 30 minutes being simply goofy on cam. He beat him self up with my teddy bear, I tried to stake him, and decapitate him with my Love's new Katana, and other general silliness. Anyway, for those of you who missed it, I did save at least the parting shot.
Anyway, that's enough silliness for a Sunday. lol Much more and I won't want to go to bed shortly for work tomorrow. Oh wait, I already don't want to go to work tomorrow. lol
Ok, my friend sent me an email this morning that was just so funny I had to share some of it. See, the thing is that two nights ago, a friend of a friend was preaching on about how wonderful Christianity is, how there's absoultely zero truth to the fact that they utterly stole the idea for the Easter holiday from Pagans, and that basically, Christains are the only people who go around doing good deads. I have nothing wrong with people having a faith (including Christainity, although personally, I don't see the apeal) but come on you can't say Christainity hasn't been the cause of more shit since it's creation then Taco Bell, ok? I mean, sheesh. So anyway, I wanted to post the rant in the email because it brings up such good points and made me laugh. Joolo can be so funny when he rants.
Have a happy Easter. (oooh, I got so mad at K's little comment about how we shouldn't care that the Christians screwed up the real meaning of the holiday while genocidially killing the people who started it. She said, "That was like 2000 years ago, get over it." Hmmph! Who knew that there was a statute of limitation on genocide? I guess in K's little world we will all look back and laugh in 2000 years at the silly Nazis and their wacky deathcamps... Ha, gotta love the Christians- they HATE it when you point out that they are the most bloodthirsty and violet religion in the world, and want you to pretend that nothing in the past counts. Both K and my mom have the same argument- "Don't look at what was done in the past, just look at the few 'moderates'. Don't judge us by the extremists." Um, if those extremists are the exception and not the norm, why are they always the ones in power in Christian churches? If televangelists, priests, preachers, and so on, are the so-called 'extremists' then who are these 'moderates' listening to? Ugh, spare me. One last angry point here- I really, I mean REALLY, hate it when Christians make it seem that generosity, compassion, and sacrifice for others is somehow a Christian-exclusive trait. Um, hello? Everybody in the world has that kind of potential, and it has nothing to do with your dogma, dumbasses!!)
Rant done. Returing to normal mode.
Anyway, this is not a Christain-bashing Easter post, this is simply a discust at the level of denial people have and the lengths to which they will argue a point. It was just so outragous, it bordered on insane. Look, just fess up that there have been - and still are! - bad things going on by the Christain Church and I don't have a problem with you. If you're going to accept part of what they tell you or preach or whatnot, then you have to also accept that they are no where near perfect and that there's been some really nasty shit they've done as well.
Eh, done ranting myself. Happy Easter to the Christains, Happy Equinox to the Pagans, Happy Passover to the Jews, and Happy Day to the rest. lol :)
Whoo hoo! As mentioned in a previous post, there is a team in Colorado sick of dealing with Native American Sterotypes, so they did something about it. They named their team the Fightin' Whities and took the slogan Everythang's gonna be all white!. This, in my opinion, rocks. Well, now, I am proud to present, their very own domain. FightingWhites.org
Now you can buy your very own Fighting Whities shirts, mousepads, coffee cups and more. This rocks. My Love and I are buying a shirt as soon as we narrow down which one we want. LOL I suggest you get one too and show that racism and bigotry of any kind against any people is just plain wrong. Go Fighting Whities!
