"Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening." - Buffy Summers, "Earshot"
I think I finally figured it out. I'm in a state of denial.
This whole week, I've been home from work because of the "issues" going on. I've been home because I'm supposed to be deciding if I can accept that nothing was done in light of my complaint, that it's been shown to not matter to the owner (because, afterall, who cares if the VP engages in illegal activities during work hours so long as he still brings in the sales?), and that it's just something I have to "change my feelings on" and never bring up again if I wish to remain in the good graces (read: employed) by him. That's just wrong. One person is not right by viture of being older then I am (an excuse used), nor because it's their company. Owners are just as failable as anyone else and probably more so since they have a personal bias and personal investment to cover. (so what if one or two employees leave? they're dispendable). It makes no difference that I am 24 and he is 47; if I perceive a problem then there must be at least something that has triggered this reaction. A person just doesn't up and decide that its a fun thing to say for the heck of it. A person doesn't need to have years and years of management experience to recognize this (which is another slight to me since I have been responsible for managing employees before). And a person doesn't report these things unless they really feel strongly about them and are bothered by them. To then dismiss it outright and basically mock the person for it is just...wrong. Which has brought me full circle to my thoughts this week.
I'm in denial that someone could truly be that cold; that someone rather shelter the guilty party for fear of loss of revenue then help the innocent party function in her work environment without stress, discomfort and physical anxiety. It shouldn't be ok for a person to come into work throwing up from stress and hostile work environment while another comes in flying high on illegal substances. There's something wrong with this equation. So this week, I've tried to think this through, to come to terms with the horrid little reality an owner must live in to find such things acceptable. And it's in that moment that I realize that I am not like him. Money - while certainly important - is not the primary factor in my life. That my sense of right and wrong and sticking true to my guns and my feelings are worth more then bowing and scraping for a paycheck. If I allow such an awful slap to the face of my merit, my intelligence, and my opinions to be forgotten about just to stick it out and stay there, then I've totally sacrificed myself and my ethics. No, it's not an easy road to remain true to what you hold to, but dammit, I finally understand that sometimes you have to hold to it. If I don't, then how can I look at myself in the mirror anymore? How am I any better then he whom I am fighting against? He is injust and in the wrong here. I will not condone that with my actions by pretending it's ok. Because it's not. And somethings are worth fighting for. In this case, I've decided that fairness is one of them.
So, I'm on the hunt. For a new job, for justice, and for inner peace in my ethics. All three start today and there's no more room for denial. It's not the easiest but then, many times, the right things aren't. I'll get through as I always do somehow and this time, I won't stop until I succeed in earning all three.
Networking : Your Help Needed! Now, let's network. Who needs a beyond talented, super preformer, computer god employee with technical skills, managerial skills, office skills up the wazoo, and a love of all things web/graphic design? Someone who has a natural flair for writing, is great with people and customers and has either already done it or can learn it? Who knows MS Office inside and out, can (obviously) design websites, who has a creative mind, and who has a strong sense of ethics? If you're in West Central Florida, drop me a note. If you know of a company or a job service, or a headhunter, or anything, let me know. I'm not kidding. Dammit, I have a pretty busy site and its about time I use it to help myself. :)
So, TWO doctor's appointments today and another one with ANOTHER specialist scheduled for tomorrow. Ugh. And, pending that one, I may need to follow up with a different one. It's nothing big - at least not yet anyway - but enough that I have been given some Rx that I can't take and drive. Hrm. Always worries me. Things like that seem to knock me on my ass and put me in a coma.
I have no idea how this is going to effect the work situation. I simply can not be there even if I needed to tomorrow or the next day. It's not possible. Oh well. You know at this point, I simply can not let it bother me. If there's something I need to do for my health, then screw it, I need to do it. My appointment tomorrow was made just today after my second dr's visit so it's not like I planned it. Whatever.
I'm tired. The kind of worn out soul tired you know? I went to my first appointment with my Hematologist this morning (9am appt) and when I got back, promptly went straight back to bed and slept another three hours or so. It felt so good. I had a good 20 minutes as my alarm kept trying to wake me up in time for my 2nd appointment where I swear the bed was made of clouds. I wish I could hold onto that feeling more often. I was warm and comfortable and happy. Shame it's all too fleeting.
I'm really upset over something else with the work thing not related to the legal stuff. Seems there's a good chance someone's been tracking me down to see what I do and where I go online. I think that bites. It's my fucking site people, it's none of your damned business. Things from like three years ago seem to have been accessed and these are things I haven't even thought of in three years, let alone brought into the work environment. I'm not stupid, I don't bring my personal site stuff into a professional atmosphere. What I do here is no one's business. If they don't like it, too bad. But they need to keep it to themselves If they don't, then it could be even more trouble in the way of religious discrimination and intolerance. Anyway, it has me fumming.
I need to go to bed. I should have done so like an hour ago but I'm in that tired-but-just-can't-sleep phase. Hate that. Feels like I could drop at any moment but won't. *sighs* More after my appointment tomorrow.
So today I NEEDED to go call for some legal advice. I have no phone so I needed to go to a friend's house to use his phone. Here's how my day shaped up.
drove to joolo's got stuck in a horrible traffic jam from an accident. (an hour drive instead of 20 minutes) joolo's phone co fucked up he had no phone yet (even though put in the order two days ago and it was supposed to be on today) he called phone co from payphone he explained he has no dial tone even and they say, oh yeah, we fucked up now phone will be on in 2 days so went to storage unit to pay bill spent like 2 hours dealing with the dumbasses there and had to pay $234 or lose my stuff to auction. had to rush back in time for my Love to run errand get here like 30 mintes late, having not eaten nor accomplished anything to find out nevermind, he's not going ARG then run out to store, spend an hour trying to just buy damned chicken 9pm, first meal of the day...yum...dried out chicken. *sighs* rerun of West Wing accomplished NOTHING today and didn't get to reach a single legal service!! ARG
stressed. Have two dr appointments tomorrow AND have to decide if I'm going to quit or not by tomoroow. ....waa....
Ok, Here's the Cam links I was working on earlier. These are all lighting tricks and experimentation, no touch ups. Don't laugh, it's all silly dark/goth/vampy stuff since I've had a slew of requests to put some such images up.The images have been compressed to cut down on load time and broken up into multiple galleries, but they still are larger the average load times, so please be patient.
The links will make themselves into the images links below and onto the personal M page as well. But, for now, here they are exclusively! LOL Hee hee.Spooky ain't I? ;)
Oh yeah, by the way, this was due yesterday, so *whistles* la la la...don't mind me. I've been only slightly crazy with the work thing.
:::Peer-to-Peer Blog Review::: The Most Current of Current Affairs Hrm Well, the layout is really basic. Just white background with a simple image at the top. The entries themselves are..ecclectic at best. I feel really old when reading it, because, quite frankly, even after clicking every link (there's only a few, but they seem to change from page to page) and reading all of the entries listed, I just don't get it. Some of it is funny, but it's all very abstractly odd. The owner seems to kinda make up humor-based blurbs on scientific or culural events. But, it's not like they're overly witty blurbs. Nor are they actual jokes, they just kida are. For example, "Today I went to the doctor for a check up. It turns out that I need a new stomach and lower intestine. That some sort of hairless rat-type thing has chewed its way through my stomach lining which has in turn spilled digestive juices on my lower intestine." It's not really even funny and you don't quite know what to make of his statements.
There were a few times that I cracked a smile at the sense of humor, but mostly, I just stared. It's not a bad blog I supposed, it's just one in which I do not understand the reason behind it. The entries are few and far inbetween and the most recent one says "the end." Whether this means the blog is closed or another joke entry I do not know.
I was unable to discover any information on the author, nor reasonings behind the existance of the blog either. All in all I really just do not "get" it. A warning, there is occassional cursing and other mature entries for those of a younger age.
Hrm. Well, I'm home right now. I went in this morning and had a "converstaion" with my boss for over an hour. I did not like what he had to tell me and feel that he did not take my issues seriously. I now have two days to get back with him in which to decide if I continue my employment there or not. Gods I don't want to. I've had it. And I've had his patronizing attitude that it's his company so sod off. Anyway, there's so much back story here I'm not explaining, but I'm still not sure where I stand legally so I don't really want to ruin anything for myself. Let's just leave it at me being very, very pissed.
Meandered over to Orb's site and read how she has a dentist appointment today. Eep, poor thing. I'm glad she's getting it fixed, but sheesh, I know how much pain, aggravation, and money that kind of crap costs. I hope it goes well for her. While there, I saw a Monty Python quiz and well, just had to take it.
Hrm. I also have a whole gallery of images to put up - assorted things-I-do-when bored cam images. So many people have requested I put up some "dark/gothic" ish pics that I caved and decided to do something with my time this morning to distract myself. I actually kinda had fun but damn does it make me really want a REAL digital cam not just a webcam. :( Hopefully for my birthday next month. *fingers crossed*
Anyway, I'm going to get out of the house. I just need away. The gallery will be up later, I'll announce it here, so don't panic. Out.
Yeah, I know, slacker on the entries, but things have gotten weird with the work situation. I don't know if I can talk about it in ongoing detail yet - there may be some legal issues that will move forward pending tomorrow's "meeting" with my boss - but I am still alive. (not entirely happy to be alive, but eh, alive nonetheless. I was put on leave without pay from this morning until friday moring while things (illegal activities I reported) where being "investigated" and now suddenly this evening, there's an email from my boss telling me things are settled and to come in tomorrow. Nice fucking notice asshole. I hate people who force me to comply to their whims but moreso hate situations where I MUST comply. Arg. If I don't I could make things go poorly for myself and in the end, it's all about me and covering my ass right now. Fuck it. I'm not letting anyone fuck me over anymore. I've let myself get the shit end of the stick from bosses and company's far too many times, now it's gonna stop.
Anyway, that's more then enough of that. Pisses me off though. There's a HUGE difference between being told you're off for the next four days and then getting an email at like 11pm at night telling you no, to come in at 8am. (meaning I should be in bed already AND meaning I have to be up at 6:45am tomorrow to be there at 8am) ::pissed:: As soon as I can, I'll fill in on the details, but this should be enough to give people an idea of the bullshit I'm dealing with.
Off to bed with me. I've got a wicked headache and my night just got much worse. :(
Oh yeah, by the way....whomever was looking for this: home personal webcam shower pics when they found me can now be satisfied.
*shrugs* I don't know how interesting it is, and well, technically my cam won't strech that far so this was taken with my friend's digital camera, but, it's my home, personal cam shower pic. :) Enjoy.
Forget Dingoes ate my baby it should be Blogger ate my entry! ARG. Yeah, I wrote an entry earlier. Don't feel like rewriting it. Will be moving to greymatter soon. (already downloaded it) Anything but this. Been busy. Errands and such. Had to work yesterday 'til 1:30pm. (yeah, still there for the moment). Tired. Frustrated. Sick of my job big time. Doing something about it. Sick of blogger big time. Doing something about that too. (don't get me wrong, it was great a year and a half ago when I started, but now I want more then server crashes and lost posts)
Blah. Laundry to do as well. Blah. I'm not bothering to write much since this might get lost too. So, off for now.
