Weird dream I just woke up from. Going to try to catch it before I lose it.
Me, my Love and some friend (I don't know who) were in a big city like NYC, but not NYC. I'm holding hands with my Love and suddenly things change. We just start noticing things are different, like wasn't there a stadium over there? but the weird thing is that only my Love and I seem to notice this, our friend sorta just looks at us funny. Somehow we come to the conclusion things have changed. Or rather, things have been changed on purpose by another. We also somehow realize that I am the one who was able to percieve it and because I was holding my Love's hand when it happned, he is too. But my friend can't because he's just gotten fooled by it like everyone. (no on seems to see that things are off or weird or different). It's weird. I just know things are wrong and in someways, it's something like buildings not being there, but in other ways it's just feeling. The knowledge that reality is off-kilter.
We go to this location. It has a real estate agent next to a fast food place. We go with the idea of getting to eat, but I think when we see the real estate agent, we realize it's a good place to start looking. (*I think I had a novel with me and there was something in it like a receipt or something that showed it wasn't brand new as I had thought. Somehow this led us closer to who the person was) I guess we think we can come to find large homes recently on or off the market. This, I guess works out because next we are in this large, wooden home. It's very northern and expensive in looks - dark wood inside, leather furnature, the sorta Olde English furnishings one sees in a fancy private library. There's a large window with these five or six cats sitting there looking out from atop the back of the couch. For some reason I see the picture of this award-winning silver tabby and then "learn" from the cat - who, I guess, has been bespelled so it's normal to me I can communicate with him - that the five or six cats (all different colors, like one really white, one grey, one brown, one orange, etc.) are all really the one prize-winning cat. The weird person who did the spell to alter the world started with, or it happened to alter the cat as well, the cat. Somehow, through this spell, he (and it was made clear at that point it was a he) broke apart the cat into all these other cats during the process and the cat(s) were very unhappy about that. (although I think only one of them spoke with me, the rest just stayed quiet).
Anyway, the cat tells me how he saw the guy use this book and this spell. We search the house and find these peices of metal which look like bent paperclips, but when arranged in a certain way in your hand (with the metal coming out from between your fingers and the center being in your palm, it made a star.) The book I found and it had some piece of paper in it that had these dates in a number format like 07 13 00 0840 pm sorta thing (though I don't recall what the exact number were) There was blanks underneath the printed (like receipt printing) numbers where - through the cat's instruction - I entered in the correct date, time, and thing. I then said it aloud, and felt this shimmer that explodeded when I finished it. (there was something on the page like a completing password you needed. It was three words, very weird but I can't remember what they were). It was this huge flash of light and I found myself where the dream started. Only everything was back to normal. I had foiled the evil plans and fixed reality. That's was it I think, just ruined the plans and fixed everything and then everything was ok.
It was so weird though that I woke up still thinking about it so I decided to try to capture it. *shrugs* Weird stuff. Anyway, just woke up (see, not going to bed until like 4:30am will do that to ya) and I need to call my friend back. Have a good one.
Ok, pics are up. Not many that I really liked, but I did get three really cool shots of my eyes that I like a lot. (I have horrific times trying to get shots of my eyes that actually show how pretty the color is. Between red-eye, glare, flash, or other, you can just never see it.) Anyway, this one is really cool I think. There's two more here if you're interested.
Oh yeah. My journal. I'm supposed to put stuff in here aren't I? Oh well. Been lazy today. And not even, surf-the-net-mindlessly lazy, like REAL lazy. Where you don't even bother with your pc. Ugh. So, I haven't really thought about a journal entry. Guess I should at least attempt to put something down.
Something you suck.
(yeah, ok, lame joke.)
I had the idea to take some pics today but my camera was quickly flashing at me that the batteries were just about dead. Aw poop. It takes 4 AA batteries so I was scrambling around to find some. Managed to find two and took some more shots. (Look for them in the Cam Achive later tonight. Arg. I've determined I really need some accessories for it. Like the A/C adapter might be useful. The rechargable batteries are sold seperate from the charger and are nasty nickle metal hydrate and not lithium ion. Blech. (seems there aren't any Lithiums available either. poop). And, man, could I use a larger Smart Card since 8megs means about 16 or so pics before I have to stop, run to the computer, upload them, delete them from the card, and then start shooting again. Sixteen pics is not a lot when you're talking about having to take several shots just to get one that is good. (hey, I take them myself with a timer, some planning, and some luck!).
Blah. Just more stuff I really want that I don't have the money to get. :( Bah humbug. Ok, now that I've depressed myself again, I'm going to go play with the shots I took and see whats decent.
Ok, the internet can be a damn cool place, that's just all there is to it. So, I'm meandering about, randomly refreshing the blogger main page to read through randomly chosen blogs. (yeah, unemployment does equal lots and lots of free time) and I came across this. The post is about Garbage Pail Kids - these stupidly silly stickers I used to collect as a kid and I just had to comment. Shortly thereafer, I get an AIM. Well, sure enough it's the site owner, Peter, dropping off to say hi. All I have to say is damn, he's funny. Yeah for interesting AIM conversations where you actually laugh out loud.
So....much needed humor this evening. Always a good thing. Takes me out of the funk I get in from all the rest of the shit going on. So, I'll be adding his link to my reads list. Check it out, it's really worth a read. :)
decided to put my quiz results - and oddball song ramblings over here to get them out of the way. This will remain my primary journal, but the assorted little crap I find on the net like quiz results will go over there. There's a new link for it in the navigation to the left. "quiz journal" will take you there.
Blah. Ok, this is a total miserable post so feel free to just close it now if you don't want to hear me rant...
*sighs* I hate not having money. I hate that there's so much that needs to be done and none of it can. I hate the fact that my cat's latest tumor is growing in size and I don't have the money to get him in to get it removed. (gods, I'm so close too...) I hate the fact that the money I do have will most likely be needed to pay for other things like bills or whatever. Then I'll be back to square one and I my cat will be dead. FUCK. Then, there's stupid shit, like the fact all my clothes are well over 4-6 years old, falling apart, ripping, and just distergrating and I can't do anything about it. Especially if - gods, pending I ever freaking DO - I find a job that requires me to be business or business casual again, I simply do not have anything left intact to wear! It's all so old, it's fallen apart! Everything I own has been worn so many times its just crumbling...it's so stupid of me to sit and daydream about being able to buy new clothes, maybe clothes that actually fit right, or clothes that aren't from my senior year in high school (1995). Maybe something even remotely from this decade, something that I actually want to wear, and somethign that can handle being washed without fear of it not surviving the experience? Gods, maybe I want to look decent for once in my fucking pathetic life and maybe I'm sick of looking like I'm a pauper. (hell, maybe I'm just sick of BEING a pauper).
I've posted my resume online, applied to online postings, I sent out all kinda of resumes yesterday, have some more to fax out - pending I can get to my friend's to use his fax machine - and still I have gotten back zero interest. None. Not one person has even contacted me for more information. I'm in that phase where I'm feeling really worthless and then I think that's stupid. I'm so much fucking better then most of these damn jobs in the papers - these answer phones, file, must be computer literate. How about, must be creative, command usage of written and spoken language, ability to design, style, and provide content for websites (including web graphics), articulate, intelligent, jack-of-all-trades who knows how to do all kinds of things, can learn whatever she doesn't already, dyanmic, complex, truely unique and interesting person who can solve your problems and improve your company if you just gave her a chance ad? Where's that? Where's the idea that it doesn't matter if you don't have that piece of damn paper saying you're smart because you spend hundred thousand dollars on college, but that you're naturally Gifted, blessed with the ability to learn anything and can do any job anyone else with that damn paper can do if given the chance? Why don't people understand that just because I didn't have that kind of money, that kind of interest in college, nor that ability to go to school when I've been supporting myself for about a decade now, doesn't mean I'm less then you? Or less then anyone? When did it become ok to judge a person because you were able to do it, came from a rich family, didn't have to hold down a job til you were 23? I'm almost 25, but that's twenty-five hard years. Years where I've been self-sufficent; years where I've made it because I had to; year where I accomplished more things then anyone thought possible despite hardships, sickness, and loss. I'm not some flighty child who is just looking for party money, I'm trying to build my LIFE here people. Your little answer answer phones, file, must be computer literate for $8 doesn't do me any good. (yeah, right now, in the meantime as a temp job, I'd do it, but I've not even gotten any of those because I'm "overqualified"). I'm looking for something that I can really do, shine in, and excel in. Why is that such a hard thing to accept? Someone being dynamic in their knowledge, skills, and ability to succeed? Damn damn damn damn damn!!
I am so frustrated right now. I couldn't sleep for frustrations, anger, and hurt thoughts in my head all night. Or I woke up from nightmare, bad dreams, and other painful visions. I'm mad at my old company, mad at my old boss, mad at this situation I've been put in. I'm mad at me and mad at life. I'm just so sick of having these situations where things just fall apart - especially when I really truly feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm sick of situations that are unfair to me working out all peachy keen for everyone else and leaving me even more at loss.
I'm sick of not knowing, not being able to plan, not having a solidity in my life. I'm sick of losing everything. Of being a loser. I'm sick of never knowing at all what's around the corner and never having the resources to deal with it even if I did. I'm sick of denying myself so very much in life because I simply can not afford it. I'm sick of pushing myself to the brink of breaking and not having anything left to show for it. I'm sick of counting pennies, sacrficing meals, clothes, or other needed things just to pay some bill like the power. I'm sick of feeling guilty if I need to buy shampoo or gods forbid I'd like to buy some lipstick or nailpolish (what was I thinking??). I'm just sick of being tired and tired of being sick. And I'm sick of being here, again, over and over, waiting for something better that just never fucking comes.
Was reading through some of the older topics over on my Embracing Mystery forum and found this from last month. I don't know if I ever got into any of this in my journal (though I meant to) so I'm putting it down now so I don't lose it. In background, you have to understand that flashes of instant insight come to me at the oddest of moments, where suddenly I will just start saying something and I know it's True. Not just accuate in the normal, mundande sense, but it's knowledge I have (or have access to) which is part of the universal whole. It's hard to describe, but when it comes, it's just there. Anyway, one such thing that came to me was the basis of this quote:
This came to me the other day and it's very true... "I think I am lost at sea, small and helples when in fact I am truly the sea itself. it's just that the sea is so big and that terrifies me even more..." It's not arrogance to know you're here for something. That something can be a tiny word or step, but it's ripples cast out far. I used to think that it was silly or fancy to think such things, but now I've come to accpet otherwise. You don't Sleep for that long, Incarnate now, live through all the things you've seen for nothing. This is me. I am here and while I don't claim to know why I am here, it is enough know in my maturity to know the Divine has Her reason.
Anyway, for those who read this regularly, know that I am in the process of trying to grow spiritually. Accepting of who and what I am, and pushing the boundries of what that means. Because life is about change, growth, and learning. If I don't do any of those - preferring to stay stagnent in my comfortable ignorance - then I will have accomplished nothing.
Ok, I am in love with Postcardx. :) I got a postcard in the mail the otherday. Just a little something wishing me a happy spring day. That's just cool. I suggest everyone sign up - or at least go through, pick a name and sent out a hi. The idea is just to do something nice for someone else for no reason other then to be nice. It's a good idea and one there's not enough of in the world.
Anyway, I'm sending out stuff now so it made me think of it.
Cam's On for a bit if anyone's interested. Haven't had it on in like a week or two and figured I better turn it on again eventually. ;)
The Cam Hightlights are up and the shots from today are posted. They're weird. I like it that way. :)
Um...stuff. No clue what I was gonna say. Oh, there's a couple new links over there <<
for somethings I use. Like my fanged shots? Got them from a company called "Vamp Fangs" and you can get a pair too for about $20 plus support the site. The other one is for Tshirt Hell and they have some of the silliest, crassest slogans to ever go on a shirt. It's damn cool. So, there's my shopping plug for ya for the day.
Um, I'm gonna meander a bit. Drop me a message if you really want to (and if I really feel like answering I will. lol) AIM: memory dream 22 Out for now.
Yeah, yeah, so it's another quiz. *bah* Addiction is hard to stop. LOL (I think I may start another quiz-only journal and just let people meander them in peace without actually interrupting my real journal with them.
Hrm. Let's see. Today I had to run a bunch of annoying errands. Just got home and my car was getting ready to turn over to 100,000 miles so I drove around the neighborhood behind my apartment for 20 minutes trying to get the last four miles over so I could get a couple pics. Got them and I'll post them later in my Cam Hightlights as soon as I upload them.
Another pretty useless day. Cramps (which sucks) bugging me. And it's aggravatingly bright out there today. It's not sunny in the bad way, but the ugh, summer's coming way. (Because in Florida, April IS the start of Summer). Managed to take a shower so hey, that's good. Always nice to be clean. May hook the cam up later, I don't know. Depends on if I feel like trying to make myself look decent. *shrugs*
So, yeah, still looking for a JOB and getting worried since there's not much in the way of options in the classifieds and I'm not getting any nibbles. I'm also at that point where the idea of having to actually be a fucking corporate whore is really not that pleasent. Its like I know I need to do it, I know I'm really good at it, but ugh....do I have to? Can't I just keep sleeping in until noon everyday and yet the bills somehow manage to get paid anyway? :(
Oh well. Rambling now. Off to upload my pics I guess. More later perhaps.
Top Keywords used to find my journal 197 6.00% pics 96 2.92% webcam 80 2.43% girl 65 1.98% the 54 1.64% sex
So, if I start writing entries like The Girl has pics of sex on webcam I'll get even more traffic? lol Gods only know what kind of pervets they would be though. ;) Nah, I think I'll stick to some of my lesser keywords like this:
I'm so confused. My poo wittle brain. (hey, no comments from the peanut gallery!) Seriously though, I just don't get it. But, on the upside, damn! I've had 145 unique page views to the journal today and there's still an hour and a half left in the day. Groovy. It's been a high traffic day. LOL (too bad I don't have anything more interesting to write about today. It's just been eh. 'Cause it's Monday, I'm still unemployed and not a lot changes on days like this) Oh well. Off to surf and meander.
Ack. People. lol Take my friend Joolo for example. "Ok, come here!" he calls out from the living room. I'm supposed to play some PS2 game with him. Not that I'm even interested in it, but dammit, I have to go now to play it. Sheesh. LOL. Not like I'm busy updating my code to add my picture links to the new layout again or anything. Ya know, code? Require attention or you'll fudge it up. Some people. They just have no idea. Pretty soon I'll reconsider his personal page. ;)
So here's the new layout. *yeah!* It's done. Two entirely new layouts (for the Cam Hightlights and fhis one) in about twenty-four hours. I feel good. I love that new-layout feeling. (man, I can't believe I just said that. I really am a geek).
Out and About with Art Spent the day out at an art fair in Downtown St. Pete. It was hot, I think my face got burnt, but you can see the shots here I'm sure I'll get around to adding them to a gallery, but for now, that's wha the cam highlights are for. I'm thinking of keeping it as a photo log of sorts so I can post random images (both webcam and digital camera) as the need/desire arises. I think that's easier then anything and the easier it is the more likely I am to regularly update it. (and updates are good things. lol)
Man, did I mention I think my face got a little burnt? Ugh. It hurts. I'm almost afraid to go look. It feels scortched.
Night at the Beach I didn't get a chance to post last night as I was frantically trying to solve my table problem, but last night my Love and I went out to the beach. Gods, I don't know how long it's been since we have and it just felt so wonderful to be back out there. See, the beach is the place where I just Connect. I open myself up and embrace the elements, the night, the moon, and the universe. Think of it as a sorta meditation, sorta spiritual healing. It's a little of each and more.
So anyway, it was great. I realized just how much I desperately needed it once I was there. It's a weird time right now and things are messing with many people. There's this energy shift right now...it's hard to describe. Basically, it's called a "spirit moon" and it means that it's a time when the veil between the physical and the non; the living and the dead is thinned. Everything is getting a rush as they are able to move more freely through into "normal" reality. It's supposed to peek with the full moon and then taper back off to normal by the next new. Anyway, point is that it's messing with a lot of people - myself included. I've been feeling like I'm continually sleep deprived (though I'm not), and that I'm fuzzy around all the edges. It's a lot like feeling like you're buzzed (but I'm not). Anyway, it's been making me really cloudy; like everything was coming through a haze. So going out last night was a nice relief. It helped clear out some of the fuzz. Don't get me wrong, things are still weird and it's there, fogging up the back of my mind, but I at least don't feel like I'm sleepwalking so much. What's weird is the fact that I was all set to look out for things going on weird with others - but purposfully not mentioning things so I wouldn't "taint" people's ideas into thinking more was going on then there was - and yet it all found me. And, even more, I was stuck in the mire without even noticing it. It's weird... Orb went to a familier place by her mom's and was scared by her first real encounter with "ghosts" (they even showed up in pics she took as spheres of light)....Dawna has noticed a surge of activity and strange changes in energy around her and her house, Chris has been having problems with concentration, that same fuzziness, and even changes in inner dialogue (you know, when you think to yourself in your innner voice?). My friend JD has been feeling even more troubled lately and is having problems with his medication. It's weird. Everyone who's even remotely sensitive in any way has been reporting problems ranging from being spooked by otherwise familier places, to seeing/hearing things, to a lack of stability in reality. And I've been drifting in and out of it myself for days not even realizing it until someone else pointed it out. All I can say is I guess she was right and I'm glad she warned me I wasn't going crazy ahead of time. (she said it effects people like me a lot because as a medium, I'm already halfway to madness normally LOL)
So, the beach. It helped clear my head and gave me a basis for some stability again. I have to say though that I won't miss things getting back to normal since it's just been so full in my head lately. ;) (yeah, I realize how crazy this sounds, but oh well. It's true and it's part of my life and I want to write it down). The thing is that They (the elements, the Source, the Divine, that with which I Connect to when I meditate like that) told me to brace for Change. That Change was coming in my life and that it would be hard but it would be good. I don't know where it's going to come from though. They made sure to remind me that it was ok, and that I would prevail, but to know that Change was on the way.
And then there were Two. The other weird thing is a felt someone with me last night...and I relized that he's almost always there and I just never noticed before. Just behind my right shoulder, I always tend to "feel" things...I used to think that it was that for some reason I felt ghosts and spirits there and just took it as that. But after last night, I have to think differently. It was as if I could feel him hold me last night; wrapped around me from behind in comfort. I was frightened, but They said it was ok; that he is always there to watch me and it is just that now I have finally noticed him. This is weird to me. I've never given much thought to the notion of people having "guardian angels" or "spirit guides" (despite having seen spirits that hung around others...I assumed it was personal connection that kept them their hung over from life, not that it was as a watcher). I also always thought of myself as the watcher, I guess I never thought an angel needed an angel. *soft laugh* It's weird. Part of me is really frightened by this thought - and the fact that I can just "feel" him there all the time now - and the other part is so comforted by his presence. It's like it's so familer...like being wrapped in wings, I just want to fall into that embrace and be safe. But that's so not me. I'm the one doing the be strong; be tough; help others before yourself kinda thing. I find myself wondering all sorts of things about this....from allowing myself to accept where I am now, but at the same time, realize that the Divine still loves me (that I'm not shunned, just learning, and because I'm not shunned, I'm still looked out for)...things like if he's there and so familier to me, why can I not speak to him as I can with other spirits? It's all feeling thus far, but will it turn to more in time? And why does he feel so familier? Do I know him from Before? Will I know him again? Have others known he was there even when I was ignorant? Can they too see him as well or is this for me alone? And, one I fear the answer in either direction, is my ability to perceive him limited to this odd influx of the moon and will I lose touch after it's over?
Oh it's all confusing and I don't know what to think about anything. Not to mention I still feel half-crazed thinking any of it, but that's my boringly mundane side trying to hide in the corner and pretend the world is black and white. I know it's not, so I'm making a point to stop trying to convince myself it is. Maybe that's where this all came from. My "return" so to speak into the realm of acceptance and understanding and perhaps even taking happily whatever purpose the Divine has cast for me. I guess for once in my life I finally feel like I can trust in Her and somehow it will be ok. Gods, I sound like some religious zealot, but it's so personal it's impossible to accurately put into words.
A Dream Before I go (and I need to, my food grows cold in the other room) I wanted to also record the weird dream I had. The sum of it was that I discovered I was pregnant. This was a nightmare to me since I do NOT want children. I did not know what to do though because although I 100% believe in the right of a woman to choose to have an abortion or not, in my dream, I did not know if I could do it for myself. So I was stuck. I was so horrified and fightened and it left me shaken when I woke. Now, even hours later, I can feel the terror at the idea of being pregnant. Ugh...let's all hope for a dream just being a dream.
The End I need to close here now. My dinner's gone cold while I type. Comments on anything welcome. Until again.
The damned new layout - same problem as I had last time. ARG memory dream 22 (4:20:23 AM): remember last time there was that thing with the tables and I was like what the hell is that 'cause it's fine except in blogger and you were like, oh yeah try this and like none of it worked and then finally it did and I was like what did you do and you were like i dunno well it's doing it AGAIN zer0 n0de (4:20:38 AM): oh that! zer0 n0de (4:20:44 AM): I don't remember what I did... zer0 n0de (4:21:33 AM): hrmmm zer0 n0de (4:21:37 AM): let me look at the code abit memory dream 22 (4:21:48 AM): ARG memory dream 22 (4:22:19 AM): ya know the prob might be that it's like 4:30am and fiddling with code at 4:30am can lead to trouble zer0 n0de (4:25:01 AM): hrmm that's true zer0 n0de (4:25:12 AM): that's when all my messs ups occur memory dream 22 (4:26:23 AM): I did the same thing twice and neither time do I know WHAT I did and since it showed up fine locally in ie and netscape how am I supposed to know nce it published that I made the same mistake????
