Ok, time for me to go to bed. I need to get up relatively early tomrrow - a group of us are being treated to lunch at *drools* Outback tomorrow! YEAH! I've only been absoultly dying for a steak, but unable to even consider getting one since the whole no job, no money thing. Yeah! Beef!
So, off to bed with me I go. I probably won't be around tomorrow during the day since I'll be out. Ta!
taken from a topic on my Embracing Mystery forum on the duality of nature and the question of the good versus the bad and how it resolves in one's self and nature. I really liked my reply - it just sorta came to me - and I think it's very honest not only to myself, but as a symbolic reality in people as a whole. Lately, I've been finding more and more out about myself and who and what I am. And, moreover, I've been accepting that...which is a very good thing.
Hrm. ok....let's see what ramble of thoughts I can put to this.
I understand what you mean about the conflicting urges. At my core; the soul of who I am, I believe I am Light. I serve at the pleasure of the Divine, happily, willingly, and with great joy. I am Her creation, and She is part of me. I am compelled to help, to give, to hurt for them - others, people - who are in need of help. To the extent they need it, I give of myself and infuse them with the Light of my being. It is not a sacrifice, it is my Duty and I accepted it so long ago I do not know any other way to exist.
On the surface of my being; the physical, the woman in the world, I've endured unbelievable amounts of pain, loss, and hurt - all at the hands of the very humans I help. And I hate them for it. I hate the way they harm me so willfully; the way they dismiss me; the way their arrogance Broke the world. I rage at them, I ache to harm them back, and I wade in the Dark that I might bring them to their knees in pain.
Somewhere in the middle is the merging of the two parts: the purity of my soul and the corruption of my flesh. I am both, each, and neither all in one. It is a singularity formed of a duality and there are no exact words to explain it better then that.
In my day-to-day, I react in both directions in different times. Sometimes my Light bursts forth and others, my Dark swallows up. It is the process of learning though that I believe I have this conflict - and, by the sheer act of addressing it and accepting it, I can find the balance to better experience and learn from it.
Never believe an angel or a vampire is a one-sided being. The highest choir of angel can bring wrath to smite the world while the cruelest vampire can bleed to save humanity. We are all more then the sum of our parts.
What does any of this mean? I do not know really, just that we must understand and accept both sides of ourselves to truly be ourselves.
Note: My Email is all fubar'd up right now. Drak.net is looking into it, but I've not gotten any in days because of it. If you need to reach me, use { webmaster AT giveneyestosee.com } instead. That one's working despite being on the same server - don't ask, I have no freakin' idea. Thanks
Blah. I just realized as I meander through my blog links across the net how sparse I've been on my own entries. Brief little things I've been putitng down but I think that has to do with so very little going on in my life. Not much you can do when you're unemployed, HORRFICALLY broke, past due on all your bills, and stuck with one car at the moment and therefore homebound 24/7. In short, it sucks.
I've been getting a lot of headaches again the last week or so. Might have something to do with the sheer number of hours I've been sleeping lately. What else is there to do but stay awake until I am so tired I collapse and then sleep the day away? My Love's battery went dead, but it doesn't matter anyway, he can't legally drive it. His tag expired in February and we can't renew it 'cause we don't have car insurnace. You need the proof of insurance when you get your new tag. Mine will be expiring in exactly seven days and then we'll have to illegal cars. Nice, hu? And with said birthday coming up and us not having any money, it's going to fucking suck. I hate to sound petty, but gods, I'd like to think I deserve something special on my birthday and now there's no way in hell that's going to happen. I mean, let's break it down shall we?
1st Rent - $620/month - paid May 1st storage unit - $100/month - not paid 3rd cable & internet - $70/month - not paid 10th my Love's cell phone (only phone right now) - $50 - not paid 16th plate renewal - $45 - not paid (insurance to get tag - $500/down - not paid) 16th my birthday (a gift maybe?) - not paid 20th power - $110/month - not paid 20th car payment in full + 1/2 extra payment (for being past due) - $415 - not paid 23rd Love's car payment - $300 - not paid 1st rent - $620/month - not paid 1st storage unit - $100/month - not paid 3rd cable & net - $70/month - not paid 7th payment (1 of 8) for Kush's sugery - $120/month - not paid
....and on and on and on.....not to mention pesky things like food or gas or anything. Let's also not talk about shit like MY cell phone with it's $200 past due (it's been off for months now, but I was having all kinds of problems with service they weren't resolving), or the thousands in medical expenses I'm getting from my lovely three day hospital stay back in January, or the little things in life like all my clothes are literally falling apart they're so old.
Yeah, yeah, pitty party for me right? But I guess it's like I'm just so mad that this stuff always happens when it means I get the short end of the stick. I don't get a christmas, I don't get a birthday, I don't get any number of happy days that I should - out of all the damned year! - be entitiled to. Fuck. I mean, my 25th birthday is in seven days and it's like no one cares - unless it's a way to fuck me over.
Sorry, bitter, upset and on the verge of tears. I better close before this gets worse.
I'm actually disappointed. The color isn't nearly as red as I had expected (or hoped). I really was reved for something boldly red and I bought a redder shade then I had done back in October and it turned out even less red that that instance. *pouts* It really took going out into sunlight to really show up as a difference.
There's more over in the Cam Highlights that I took just for the hell of it since I had my cam out anyway. :) Thoughts?
If you'd like to send a fan pic, annoucing how cool I am, how much you just luv me, or something similar, drop it to webmaster@giveneyestosee.com. Nothing dirty though folks, mkay! ;) I'll post it to the world.
Okay! Got some pics up finally from my consultant job. Check them out here! The office was on the 25th floor and I took some great skyline shots. Also, got some shots of this lunch park area right in the middle of the buildings. Lovely! There were so many though, I've broken them up into pages with only a couple highlight images here to save on loading. Go check them out though!
Today went really well. Yeah for not looking stupid! Even though I meant to, I haven't written an entry since lunch time when I posted off the quick entry from the assignment. I have tons of pics to put up too, but soooo sleeeepy. Got almost no sleep last night and then an early morning today. But I did get tons of cool shots. The office was on the 25th floor, so I got some great views and some nice ground shots as well. They'll be up tomorrow - I've uploaded them and even started to format them, but ugh...sleep becons.
soooo tired....
Check back here tomorrow afternoon when I decide to wake up again for an update. G'night
I am at my consulting gig right now, checking out the user pc's and I've already set up the server. (of couse, all sorts of funky things happened like the monitor just deciding it wasn't going to work for now particular reason and the UPS hating a keyboard cable). Luckily, Chris was there to listen to me scream via long distance. Yeah for company paid long distance! :)
Okay then, just waiting for a hardware analysis to finish up, so I'm gonna go. Just a note in case you see me on AIM, I'm NOT available to chat - I was using it for work commication purposes.
Yeah so I actually have to get up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow for my consulting gig. (good thing I'm already beat from my day today) But...
ACK! ACK! ACK!
*runs around panicked and all scardy cat*
Ack! ack! acK!
I'm soooo afraid of looking like a dumb ass. Like some stupid girl who doesn't know what she's doing and is in WAY over her head. And then pissing off my friend who stuck his neck out for me and then losing his friendship 'cause he'll think I'm some dolt.
Ack ack ack!
Mommy, don't make me do this! *cries* I don't wanna! I don't wanna!
I'm so stupid. But I really can't stop thinking of a thousand and one excuses why I just suddenly can't make it and how I just suddenly need to do something else. Oh, this is so shitty. Waaaa... why do I have to be such a chicken shit!?
Jeez. So I had an appointment with the Health Department today at 2pm. I'm out of birth control pills and since I don't have a job anymore, I don't have insurance anymore either. (Therefore, the $45 per month for the cost of the pills are just not possible). Got there early in hopes of getting out with time to go get my tranmission fluid changed. (both things are about 20 miles north of where I live and I don't get up that way often) I end up getting there like 1:40pm. Of course, then I sit and wait. And wait. And did I mention wait? Oh yeah, for like 2 hours. They finally call me in at like 3:30. It takes all of five minutes for them to see me and give me my pills. That it's. Doesn't cost me anything since I have no income (yeah for the Health Department) and I have four month's worth now to hold me over. It's just....two hours waiting Ugh. How utterly and completely boring. No magazines or anything even to read and I forgot my book. I hadn't eaten anything and had to just sit there and watch as every other person who came in after me got called in and got to leave, until the entire waiting area was empty - I was the literal last person in there - before I got called. Talk about a day of frustration. So, by the time I got out of there it was after 4pm and I didn't have time to make it over to the shop to get my fluid changed.
So then I go to get gas on my way home. My car is literally on "E" and I've got 20 miles to go to home and $4 in my pocket. Turns out the freakin' bank has turned off my check card again - denying me access to the money within my checking account - and leaving me with literally not enough gas to get home nor money to buy gas. I call and talk to the damned collection lady (I'm still behind a payment and a half on my loan) and she's all snobby; saying I didn't make a partial payment last month like I promised. I never told her I could make one by April 30th specific, just that I'd make one as possible. Shit lady, I lost my freakin' job, I didn't agree to have you freeze the funds in my account. Bitch. So now, get this, I have to make a $70 partial payment now (yeah right), then my full $274.70 car payment before May 20th (ha), AND another $70 partial payment before May 31st (wtf?). Pardon my french but FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! NONE of that is possible, least of all, all of it! I can't even claim my unemployment until then end of this week for a check in like two more weeks! (at a whopping $167/week). ARG. Where the fuck do they think I can pull this money from? And, she's all saying there's like $700 in the checking account. Sure there is, it's called my Love's two week paycheck which is needed to cover our $620 rent and leave us with almost nothing until he gets paid again in TWO MORE WEEKS. Fucking nazi bitch. Won't turn my card back on so I can't do silly things like call Time Warner and make a payment over the phone with my checkcard or anything. Not to mention, oh I don't know, get out $20 from the ATM so I can put gas in my fucking car! ARG. I hate these damn people. I mean, I've already paid like over $10,000 on my car loan. I only have like $2K left and they're pulling this kind of shit!
And then, I'm freaking out to the point of sickness over my consulting job tomorrow. I mean, I'm so thankful to have something that will lead to some funds, it's just that I'm so afraid of looking like an idiot. I can - given a bit of time - learn just about anything. I've done it before. It's part determination, part luck, and part magick. But it's not like I know everything already or even necessarily what someone's talking about until I can figure it out. In a normal job, I have enough time to bring out the wizard in me and figure out what I need to know in order to do something and still keep up with my duties. But in this format, I'm afraid they'll just want me to accomplish a list of things I don't really understand up front and not have the resources to figure it out. And, therefore, end up looking like a complete ditz.
Arg.
Somedays I hate my life. Why is it that just when I start to come to some spiritual comfort in me, or to think of myself in a positive light for one reason or another, that things just hit me in the face and cause me to stagger and worry? Why do so many things come at me when I'm just trying to feel something good for a moment or two in my life??
Bah. Depression looms heavy again. And just in time for a uselessly empty and shallow 25th birthday.
ok, so LOL I didn't actually accomplish anything with it, but I did make a new splash page for my new domain. Still figuring out what I want to do and how exactly. I have all sorts of lovely ideas though. They're just waiting to be translated into form. The journal and such will be moving first over there most likely, but I'll try to put up notices and redirects and cotnact everyone who links to me and such as much as possible before hand. (although I'm eager to throw caution to the wind and just do it now, I'm going to try to do it smart. lol) For those wondering, it will be found here: www.giveneyestosee.com/journal The holder is there now, but soon, the journal will move there. Good thing about it all is that I own ddd so I can keep redirects and notices up indefinately. :) (unlike when gothic-angels.com went down and I only had a very narrow window to warn people of the move)
Anyway, just excited. All sorts of geeky joys for me today - the 1gig processor and some inspiration for assorted web items. Yeah! :) Um, yeah, there was no point to this entry other then the showing off of my new splash page holder. LOL. More coming soon. (I may actually move the cam highlights there first...hrm....) It's just so much work to download all the files, then upload them back to the new location and update the links throughout. I may leave some archives on ddd to save myself the trouble, but I'm not sure yet.
Yeah! Today my Love is going to see what he can do to give me the new processor and motherboard! Yippie! He's taking back the cd burner, but no biggie, I don't really need it if I am online. So..... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Alrighty, I was asked about how I registered a domain and such with paltry $15 odd bucks. So, I'm going to plug my webhost for a moment. I don't get any credit from them or anything, I just happen to like them and think it's a pretty fair deal.
You go here, and register your domain name (of course, it has to be available) from dotstar for a mere $13/year. Then, drak.net's hosting plans start at a measly $5/mo. (and if you pay in advance, you get a discount on top of that). drinkdeeplyanddream.com is on the $10/month plan right now (or $28.50 in advance for 3 months). That's it. Cheap, hu? For the $10/mo you get 150 megs of storage and 12 gigs of transfer a month. (worried it's not enough? DDD uses about 20 megs of storage and about 2-odd gigs a month thus far - including hosting all of the images for the forum, my journals, my cam archive, etc.) For the $5 I believe it's like 100 megs and 6 gigs of transfer - more then most sites will ever need. Each plan comes with different levels of special things like extra pop email accounts, subdomains, etc. so there's plenty of room for choice in what you need. I also like drak.net because they are Pagan-oriented (occult friendly - although NO adult sites are allowed) as well as woman owned and run. To me, that's pretty cool.
Anyway, it's as simple as that. And, once you have a domin, let me tell you, you'll wonder why you ever put up with free-server crap. :) It's great.
Updated on 05/04/02 at 11:30 PM All Customers are unable to connect to the internet at this time. Network Engineers are working to resolve this quickly. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Customers in the (area) and (area) areas of the county may have intermittent, slow, or no connection to the internet at this time. Cable and network engineers are working to resolve this issue and we apologize for any inconvenience.
Isn't it great they post it on their website that no one can connect? Idiots. If I can't connect, I can't see the notice now can I? Gods, I hate time warner.
Damn time warner. Road runner went down for no reason in the middle of loading a page just after posting the entry below. ARG. I swear, they need to stop advertising "no disconnects" in their commericals or someone will sue them for false advertising! *sigh*
