Surprised to still see me here? That makes two of us. Hopefully I'll have it through the weekend *fingers crossed* I don't know what I'll do without internet or cable tv. Arg.
Anyway, just a brief note to let everyone know I'm out all day at a festival today. I'm taking the camera so look for some pics later on (pending how they come out). Now where's my sunscreen...? :)
Quest for Focus Well, day two of my latest go at scheduled meditation complete. To start, I'm doing 10 minutes at least two times a week to get myself into the habit and to get accustomed to the schedule. The first was done Wednesday. (I'm terrible with getting into a good habit, so I'm working on it slowly and realistically)
Thoughts so far....well, today was a bit harder for me then the first time. I had a hard time keeping from being distracted by every little noise. I also felt the attention of those in my apartment complex much more keenly. (I also kept thinking how my Love and friend Rand were just inside beyond the blinds and might come out at any moment - I find explaining the idea of getting into a meditative pattern awkward to either of them.) For lack of anywhere better, I am sitting on my balcony and doing it there. It's outside, it's mostly private and it's the best I've got around here. I was looking forward to it today though - which is a positive step for me - but wanted to wait until it had come closer to sunset. The afternoon is just too hot to be outside for any amount of time.
I find I feel short of breath when sitting though and it's a distraction. Perhaps I am unaccustomed to sitting cross-legged? I try to focus on breath deeply and yet get distracting moments of not enough air. I hope this resolves itself as I continue as it's a hinderance now.
I like the way I feel though in those brief moments where I don't just feel my body; where I feel the air and like a pressure in a way. It's hard to describe. It's very fleeting now, but I believe if I can keep up with it, I have something to look forward to. I need this. I need a way to quiet down my mind and just be every now and again. I need to work on the things I feel and the senses I have.
So...anyway, dinner is almost ready and I'm starved. I've not eaten a thing yet today (there is no food in this house) so I'm going to join them for the meal.
Tree-Free Cards Having seen an example of these in person, I can't tell you just how lovely these things are without you seeing them. They're made without paper - but they sure feel like paper - or trees. It's amazing. It's a different kind of plant instead that is farmed apparently. Very nice. Anyway, the cards are amazing and the envelopes are just as beautiful and I wanted to share this link with everyone because they are just beautiful. (here's an example)
What? One good thing? Well I got my very first interiew so far scheduled for Tuesday at 11:45am. Woah. It's very local - just down the street actually (yeah!) - but I don't know anything about it really. It's apparently a telecommunications company and they need a back up receptionist/office person. *shrugs* Sounds boring but if it pays halfway decent I'll take it for now. Anything to get some income in. Arg.
Well, I've got a couple things to do before my Love gets home from work so I'm off to it. Ta.
Gods I'm at that place again...that place where things that please me, or make me smile, or hell, just make me feel are fleeting moments that fail to linger. Days later, they do nothing for me as I drown again in the voice in my head chanting over and over ...i hate my life....i hate my life...i hate my life... Even the small pleasure of my target dog coming today is a distant bit of happiness, lost under the swirling thoughts of depression and failure. Of misery and how badly things are - everything - and how I just don't want to continue facing it. How each moment just slaps me in the face with the knowledge of how pathetic I am. How it berrates me into believing I'm worthless and useless. How obvious it is when I risk losing - all tomorrow - my car, my license, my cable, my electricty, my internet - because not one person has wanted to meet with me for even an interview in two months. not one I am an utter failure. Useless even to myself.
And so I take the step off the edge - not even having that choice, having it thrust upon me as I am pushed by my inner demons - straight into the heart of depression.
Just an FYI I will be disappearing without notice very soon because I am way overdue on my cable bill ($70/month x 2 months due) and will therefore be losing my internet shortly.
As I also do not have a phone, I have no way to use dial up so...yeah I will be back offline very shortly. (read: I'm surprised it's not been turned off yet)
Ok, I finally got up my Garden Shoot last night but there was - again - no blogger to announce it. Nothing interesting and no shots of me, just some work on flowers and color. Also, two desktops for use at the end if you like them. One of them I'm using myself, the shot just looks really good (if I do say so myself. ;D)
I think it loses something now, but this is what I wrote last night but could not publish because blogger went down sometimes slightly before I hit the publish button. Anyway, I wrote it and saved it though and it should have been up last night so here it is now. Don't know if I feel the same in the light of a sunny day or not, or if it's all just loss and hurt and pain in general....*shrugs*
*sigh* bummed. broke. depressed - or at least sinking there quickly. I hate feeling this way. It's like teetering on the edge of a cliff and though I look over and see just how far I have to fall I can't bring myself to move to stop myself from falling.
Part of me is so cold inside...numb from not wanting to feel it anymore - any of it.
Part of me is screaming...fighting and pounding from within but grows smaller and smaller each day.
Both are just dimming....shrinking into the nothingness of the void before me; the depression at the edge of the cliff. So I sorta totter there on the edge unwilling to take a step in either direction.
Ooh. Exciting day. As I posted the entry below, my friend Rand called me. He took a couple extra days off and wanted to know what I was up to. Honestly, I wasn't even dressed yet - that's about the extent of what I was up to. *lol*
Got dressed, he came over and we went in search of a Sunday paper for the job classifieds. Went to his place and I used the fax to send out some resumes. Just got home and emailed some more out. Slim ass pickings. I had all of like 15 or so in there to send to (most meager ads at that) and about 4 more leads that may or may not pan out to even a submission. *sighs* Still no unemployment update either.
Things are bad. Money is not only tight, it's nonexistant. Things keep coming up that demand money I just don't have. The "check engine" light on the car came on for example. Gods....
Anyway, I'm not going to get into that right now, it's too much, I just don't want to think about it. Just been gone all day and still not back yet. More later when I'm around.
Light on the entries lately....just not been around. Three day weekend - and Memorial Day weekend at that - has meant a lot of time away from my pc. Not to mention the recent plague of migraines I've been having (oh gods, I just don't know why they're coming back again in force, I've not done anything different and I watch my diet closely for triggers). Let's see highlights...
Saturday Was out all day Saturday running errands, and such with my Love and Rand. We got a couple DVD's and Rand was nice enough to pick up the A/C adapter for my digital camera (got one for $29 instead of the psycho $59 Olympus wanted) at best buy for me. That's a good thing since my digital camera eats AA batteries for breakfast lunch and dinner. We ended up watching Clerks that night and then I pretty much called it a night - headache hit.
Sunday Slept late again. Rand's mom had a lovely BBQ we were invited too. Now, you have to understand that this is not the average hamburger and hotdog kinda deal, more like the mustard glaze chicken/pork with peanut sauce, fresh fruit platter kinda thing. Oh yeah, on china. *lol* (I don't think my family ever used even real plates - that's what paper plates are for right? - let alone the "good" dishes!) I also took a ton of pics in her award-winning garden I'll try to get up later (been meaning to for a couple days now). It was nice time though and as always, Rand's mom is such a sweetheart.
We came back to the apartment and watched The Others on dvd. Ok, this movie is creepy. Old school creepy, like no blood and stuff, but the sound effects and the sense of foreboding were perfect. I was creeped out the whole time. And yes, it DOES have a pretty cool twist ending. All-in-all I liked it. It's much more subtle then anything, but it's good.
After that it was about midnight and Rand went home. My head went from annoying to debilitating and got worse from there. By the end, my Love pretty much carried me into bed I was just stuck sitting in my seat crying 'cause it hurt so bad. I don't know why or what this is, but gods, I can't bear to go through these things like this. Especially so many so close together.
Monday Slept in today and woke up with it thankfully gone. Mulled about a bit, just recovering from the lingering effects of the headache (and the grogginess from so much dead sleep) until Rand came over and we all decided to get out of the house and see a movie. Rand treated since my Love and I are just flat-ass broke. Decided to go ahead and see Episode 2. Oh dear god....it's a freakin' 2 1/2 hour movie for about 10 minutes of actual plot. No really. There is simply NO real point to it. And George, buddy, lay off the fucking DIZZY cams... *ugh* I swear, I'm STILL dizzy from it. (not to mention his attempt at inducing siezures with a near pitch black lightsaber fight of red and blue sabers - just spinning, flickering, flashing red and blue lights and nothing else - *loses lunch*) And oh...sad. Why oh why did he make Yoda into Flubber? I mean, seriously? Bouncing off walls? What the fuck was that? It's like a preview of the new "Yoda: Pinball" game or something. Ugh, sad.
The even worse thing then the fact poor Rand gave George $22.50 (and we gave him about three hours of our life) is that I am well underway for another migraine. Despite having taken Excedrin during the movie in an attempt to prevent it and even drinking some caffine in hopes of curbing it, it's coming back on. Fuck.
Anyway, dinner is ready and I'm starved so I'm off to go eat.
I have no idea what I'm doing today I just know I won't be around the pc. My Love, my friend Rand and I are off to find something to do with little to no (stress "no" money). I've still got pics to upload (a flower gallery from yesterday) but I need to finish formatting them. I took a TON of shots. I also have a few more pics to put up in webcam archive but again, need to compress 'em and go through them.
Oh well. Lazy day. Lazy me. At least my head's not ready to split open at the moment. (yeah!) Can't take these awful migraines.
Someone was looking on how to add Pagan Holiday's to their Outlook calander. This is certainly a fine and worthy serach (yeah, it wasn't for porn!) and while I doubt they'll be back, I did a quick look around for this exact thing and came up with this resource I don't use Outlook so I can't tell you how well it works (if at all) but it was one of the only ones I could find.
edit: I also found some info from Microsoft that might help.
Ok, BBQ to go to. I just woke up so I need to go meander off and get ready. Look for some photos later on probably and an entry tonight. Have a great day everyone!
This is my official "I'm too lazy to write an entry entry" for the day.
Bought the A/C adapter for my digital cam today. (yeah!) Got "Clerks" on DVD ($12 at best buy) and watched it tonight. Also got "The Others" on dvd but didn't watch it tonight.
Wrist is hurting, I feel like I didn't sleep yesterday (though I did - from 5:30am - 1:30pm) so I'm going away. Ta.
Slept late again. Rand's mom had a lovely BBQ we were invited too. Now, you have to understand that this is not the average hamburger and hotdog kinda deal, more like the mustard glaze chicken/pork with peanut sauce, fresh fruit platter kinda thing. Oh yeah, on china. *lol* (I don't think my family ever used even real plates - that's what paper plates are for right? - let alone the "good" dishes!) I also took a ton of pics in her award-winning garden I'll try to get up later (been meaning to for a couple days now). It was nice time though and as always, Rand's mom is such a sweetheart.
