given.eyes.to.see dot com | the ever changing status of m v6.0: spring in bloom

Jeez, it's been awhile since an entry and there's been a lot that's happened. I don't have a lot of time to recount it all, so if I'm brief in bits, sorry...I'm getting ready to head out of the house on some errands and one of those is to head over to my friend’s house to use his fax machine and internet for a few, so I wanted to get an entry written as soon as possible here, at home, so I can just publish it quickly there.

Let’s see, I left off last Saturday with the movie watching of Minority Report. The next day, Sunday, June 30, 2002 we hung out during the day with our friend Rand and then rented The Mothman Prophecies for the evening watch. We were quite a ways through it when, at about 10:15 pm, the phone rang. It was my Love’s mother. His ailing grandfather finally lost the fight and died about 9:50pm. Turning off the movie and quickly grabbing the keys, we bid farewell to Rand and drove down to his parents house. There we stayed, crying and in shock for the next few hours as I experienced one of the weirdest experiences of my life. It was then, that my Mediumistic nature decided to kick in and assail me with a barrage of things - unbidden - that needed to be conveyed to those around me. It was, in that clarity of moment, something I realized is always there so strongly, but something that having never experienced death of anyone close to me, much louder and pronounced then I had ever truly acknowledged. I was a swarm with his presence and the sheer unwavering need to tell those around me certain things - messages of comfort from him. My Love, I told openly - though heartbreaking, I knew for him at least, I could be blunt. The message of his grandfather’s Pride in him; the fact it has been and shall always be was made to pass my lips that I tell him. He took it oddly - how else does one take such a message? - but I think was bettered for it. The rest were not so easy.

His mother - her father being the one passed - needed to know that he loved her yet, even in death, and always would. Such things are hard to work into conversations and harder still to say without intruding on her own, private grief. That whole night and even somewhat into the next morning, his presence was ever near me - so much so that I awoke the next day with a headache from the duration of the contact. The only time I had ever felt anything like it was my friend Rand’s brother’s funeral where I just knew that he sat in the back row watching; smiling. I wanted so much to tell him and his mother that he was there, but I did not know them well at the time (this having happened a few years ago now and shortly after having met Rand at all) and I did not know the way to say such a feeling; nor if that feeling would make things better or worse. To this day, I do not know how to say such a thing to him - or even if I should - but I remember it vividly and often ponder when (if ever) would be the right time to say such a thing.

In any event, that night was hard on all. I too cried for the sorrow my Love’s family felt over this loss, though I saw it from a perspective different since I saw both their loss (and hence the tears of my own) and yet also, it being all ok now. More then just a blind hope for a betterment, I could truly see and feel from him that it was now all alright. He stayed only that night and I have not felt him since. I do not know what the funeral will bring, but I know he was at least comforted by my ability to get the things said in soft and subtle ways that he wanted said. It truly felt good to be able to impart such tidings in times when they were truly needed. For the first time, I welcomed this Gift of mine…

Monday July 1st and Tuesday the 2nd saw us gathering with his family again - my Love having taken time off from work in light of these events - and generally making plans and arrangements. Hard days for them all as his mother felt guilty for her perceived “weakness” in her emotional state (despite telling her repeatedly there was no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to mourn and that crying did not make her ‘weak’) to my Love fighting for stability and a strong front for her and for himself. His grandfather was a true role model for my Love and this death has hurt him deeply. The funeral and service were scheduled for the following Monday complete with a Veteran’s Honor Guard and flag-giving to the widow on plan. (something we were all happy to hear confirmed as his grandfather was not only a hero of WWII, but an ex-POW, and one of the men who bore the flag when Paris was liberated and thus more then deserved the honors)

Wednesday, July 3rd, my Love went into work with the intent to work the day to pass the time and get his mind off his sorrow. He ended up working a half day instead, but getting his time off coordinated so one less thing to worry about later. His friends at work gave him a card and asked after him and his family and in the end, their well-wishing being such that he had to leave. He appreciated greatly the kindness of their thoughts and such, but needed to get away from thinking about it. We had a few friends over during the evening and tried to figure out what to do for Independence Day. We also stopped by the mall to shop for a black suit for my Love who had no such thing for the funeral.

Thursday, July 4th we had planned on getting together with several friends and heading out to see some fireworks, though the specifics were sketchy. We had tried three previous years in a row to see them at the St. Petersburg Pier, all of which were unsuccessful and ended in us getting not only rained out, but flooded out like drown rats. So hard as the rain come down the last three years, that the inches fell in mere minutes and being thoroughly soaked, we were forced to leave having seen nothing.

We started the day making the round of calls to people to touch base and went back to the mall to look at the jacket we put on hold from the night before. Found a pair of pants to match and with the help of Rand’s store charge, purchased the items. (not having the $200 odd dollars on hand to buy the items ourselves outright, but needing them) After that, Joolo came over and we ate dinner. Another of my Love’s friends was supposed to meet up with us, but went to the ER from what was later found out to be a case of spinal meningitis. We do not know yet how serious it is, but the poor guy is in quarantine at the moment.

pooka

After this heartening news, we headed down to meet up with some other friends of my Love’s who had been down there all day and had reserved some grass for seating. By the time we got there it was just about 8pm and we had only and hour before show time. The guys wandered off to find some beverages - returning with yummy, yummy fruit smoothies (oh gods, I love those things….mmm…I could drink them constantly) - and Joolo having his in a $5 plastic cup. We at first mocked him for the $10 total cost of the cup and smoothie, saying that was a hell of a lot of money for a cup.

But it was no ordinary cup. Turns out, it was a Glow Cup.

glow

See, you break the bottom (not really, just the glow sticks incased in the bottom) and it lights up the cup in this really, really cool way. The cup itself is dual layered and there is a purple liquid in-between the layers and the glow from the bottom lights it up. It looked awesome.

A little after 9pm, the fireworks started and went for about 20 minutes or so. The finale was so cool because there were just dozens of things going off at the same time right on top of each other.
big

After that, Joolo and I flew to the restrooms several blocks away and then met up with my Love and Rand and headed home. Another friend who didn’t come with us to the fireworks, Kali, met us at the apartment shortly after our return and we played games until about 3am.

So…today, Friday, July 05, 2002 I’m typing this up before we head out to try to find me a black dress for the funeral. I don’t have one that’s not a semi-formal gown (literally). The question of the day is how do we do this when we have $80 left to our names for seven more days until he gets paid again. (my Love in his grief and such is snapping near constantly at me over this unforeseen cost of a dress for which I am trying to not snap back under the circumstances but grrrr…I am thoroughly annoyed) Blah.

Money continues to be the biggest aggravation - namely in that we have none. Things are tight as hell and we haven’t even accounted for rent yet - that, will just get paid out of the forthcoming next check July 12th (late I might add). Haven’t heard anything yet from the interview last week - the one I was sure I nailed (sigh) - nor have I had any calls this week. Then again, through all of this, I have not yet faxed out my resume to last Sunday’s classified ads because, well, it’s just been a week. I haven’t had time to get over to Rand’s to use his fax or net so none have been done. Which is what I hope to try to do today as well as publish this catch up entry.

I’m just going to end here with part of a song that floated through my head most of the week. It’s powerful and if you have a chance to hear it, please do.

Hope everyone is well. More after the funeral Monday as it permits.

I Grieve Peter Gabriel, “City of Angels” Soundtrack
It was only one hour ago;
It was all so different.
Nothing yet has really sunk in.
Looks like it always did;
This flesh
And bone.
Just the way that we are tied up.
There’s no one home.

I grieve…
for you.
You leave
me…

So hard to move on.
Still loving what’s gone.
Still life carries on.
Carries on and on…

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/6/2002 04:04:24 PM ~ ~

Howdy! I'm over for the moment at my friend's house and wanted to just peek in and say hi...also, I grabbed a few pics from my camera from the last couple days and hadn't had a chance to share them so here ya go:

Joolo's in progress Plum hair dye:

Joolo's after *note, his hair is unstyled and looks rather silly; this was just to show the finished color!

Kush-ka looking so unbelievably cute I just had to share:

Uh, and I'm panicking 'cause I can't connect to postcardx.net and I'm hoping it's just a temporary thing 'cause I love that site and I love getting - and sending - stuff to people randomly. I even had some new pics to share, but hrm....looks like a no-go for the moment. If anyone knows more then I do (like if it closed forever or something), please leave me a note in my feedback. Thanks.

Let's see....catch up info....
Saw Minority Report yesterday and it was really, really good. I very much enjoyed it. There were a lot of things in it that I made you think about the future of security versus freedom versus liberties. Just a deep movie on a lot of different levels. I liked it. Gets my recommendation - go see it.

Just got the cell phone turned back on at the expense of having to pay the rent late. (ugh, and rent will cost us like $100 late fee) There's not much we can do about it though, there were too many bills that just needed paying right now that can not wait for another two weeks for his next check. The rent's not due until Thursday the 4th, but....my Love's next check will happen the following week from that. What stinks is I earned about $500 for my three days of consulting work (gods, I wish I could just do that at that rate permantely) but I'll be lucky to get that about the time his next check comes in. It's just frustrating knowing I earned it but I have to wait for their accounting to get around to cutting it and sending it. *sighs* The good thing is that I did get the $75 check for the logo work I did for them so today I was able to - just in under the wire - make the remainder of my car payment of $70 today. One less thing to worry about.

Uh....beyond that, I still haven't heard anything on that job interview, but I hope today to get some more things faxed out from the paper while I'm over here. Right now though, we're all starving, so I'm going to close. More as possible...take care.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 6/30/2002 04:12:47 PM ~ ~