So a few months ago I had one a free PS2 game (though I don't have a PS2 *shrugs*) and it was random draw what you got. Today I check my mail and it's there. Turns out it's a soccer game World Tour Soccer 2002 to be specific. Nice thing is that it's totally sealed so I'm thinking of trying to turn it in somewhere for store credit. Wee..
And here is a shot of me and my new plant, Heidi. I have better shots I need to crop I took with the digital cam, but this will have to do for the moment.
That's it for now. Love's going to be coming home from work any minute and another friend's coming over too so should get going and get offline. *sighs* Still no DSL yet, but the phone company did say 10 business days. (oh and apparently, I get a free webcam too which is cool - now I'll have two) I can't wait though, as nice as it is to have something (Rand's dial up access), it's be so much nicer to not have to tie up the phone and deal with disconnects and slow connections and stuff and get back to my beloved broadband.
well seems everyone else is doing it so why not me...? My first ever Friday Five
1. Where were you born?. Johnstown, PA
2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? If you don't live there, do you want to move back? Why or why not? I moved from PA to Florida when I was almost nine years old when the steel mills closed and my parents were facing foreclosure on the house. I've lived in Florida ever since and while I wouldn't move back to the specific area of PA that I'm from - small, backwater town - I might move back to PA in general or somewhere in the area. I miss the changing of seasons, the long stretches of forest and the mountains.
3. Where in the world do you feel the safest? I don't know really. I haven't seen much of the world - ok, like none of it - but I really enjoy the beach at night (something I didn't know how much I liked 'til recently).
4. Do you feel you are well-traveled? No, not at all. (much to my sorrow). I've been along the eastern seaboard of the us (stopping in places like NC, PA, NJ, NY where I have family) and once I drove from Florida to Montreal (which was exciting since it was the first and only time I left the country) but I've never been any further west then New Orleans.
5. Where is the most interesting place you've been? Of the few places I've been, I loved them all, but one that strikes me particularlly is Pine Mountain, GA. It's where my Love and I really became and item and it was an unexpected bit of serene beauty a (LONG) day's drive from our home. I hadn't expected to see such beautiful mountains in Georgia of all places.
ugh. so much i want to write but my hands are not responding tonight and my wrists are hurting so this will be short. typos and laziness in grammatical structure (like caps and stuff) are part of the my-hands-hurt reason for brevity.
last night could not sleep. sobbed and sobbed for about an hour at 2am. just broke down. everything just got to me too much and i couldn't hold it in anymore. had that meeting today with the recruiter (that I had to reschedule already from wednesday) but i missed it because my Love just let me sleep this morning - didn't wake me to take him in (my appointment was 10am and an hour away and he goes into work at 8am). i slept until almost 1pm. felt good. had dreams of being an astronaut. that was what i wanted to be when i was a little girl. went up in space twice in my dreams. was influenced a bit by my love of sci-fi, but pretty realistic and actually really sad to wake up from. felt like i was important in my dreams; like i had actually done something of use and good in the world....like i really did what i had always wanted to.
when i stopped crying last night and went to sleep, i was so petrified by how 'loud' things had gotten for me - so many spirits/ghosts/entities etc that had swarmed in while i was too upset to stop hearing them. i think it's sorta like staring at the sun - i can't turn the sun off but i can wear shades to help block the worst. i guess the same goes for my mediumship...i can't turn it off but i never realized just how much i really block myself from seeing until i was so upset i couldn't. i had to cuddle up tights against my love i was so scared and overwhelmed....silly of me i know - like i'm some child afraid of the dark - but last night, that's how i was. so small. so scared. so helpless and useless and damaged.
today joolo came over and he, my Love and I went and saw Lilo & Stitch. Joolo and i had seen it the other week but both wanted to see it again and my Love had not seen it at all (and loves elvis and disney so we knew he'd like it). thanks again to joolo who paid for it since we didn't have the money to do it ourselves. after that, we went to the new popeyes' chicken they opened up over here and he bought us dinner too. i had never had it before but it was really good. moist chicken.
my love's trying to quit smoking and so far it's not going so well. we can't afford the patch or anything for him and he doesn't want to believe me that sneaking in one or two cigs a day isn't helping his body recover from it's addiction - that he's only making things worse by drawing it out. problem is that i know he doesn't really want to quit for himself, he just wants to for his family. his grandfather just died of emphysema and i know it's important to him and his family that he doesn't do the same. but it's not really helping him through the withdrawal because he really doesn't want to stop for him. i told him that addictions aren't a taper off thing - alcoholics don't just start drinking less, they have to stop and let their bodies go through the hell before they get better. he doesn't see it for what it is - a drug addiction. it's a drug and he's a junkie and that's what it boils down to. its a terrible truth, but trying to hide under euphemisms doesn't change the basic fact that smoking really is a terrible thing.
my hands hurt bad. like hurst to move them or curl them up. hurts to use my trackball. this sucks. i need to stop typing but i don't want to go to bed. can't sleep, don't want to think.....i'm so depressed it's not even funny. i can't even pass out into oblivion - my body doesn't let that happen. last night, i gasped and sobbed for an hour til my hands went numb and i got dizzy but do i pass out like a normal person hyperventalating? oh no. i sit and cry more. because my body hates me. *sighs* anyway, this hurts so i'm going...
Ok, so let's take another stock here eh? I did some consulting work for Chris' company back on June 28th. They were supposed to have paid me by now but didn't causing me to bounce my rent check. My apartment complex then proceeded to charge me $165 in late fees and charges bringing the rent total to $765. They gave me an ultimatam eviction notice that if I didn't pay by 7/17/02 (today) I'd have to surrender posession of the apartment. So Chris' accounting office swears they'll cut the check - that they just hadn't gotten around to cutting first, then who decided a faxed copy of an invoice wasn't valid second - no later then Tuesday for overnighting to me for delivery Wednesday am. I had an interview with a recruiter today at 2pm and needed to have time to get to the bank, cash the check, add in the very very last of our money and get a money order to get back to the rental office before I had to leave to drive an hour to my appointment.
Well, none of that happened. Seems they hadn't bothered to do it yet - despite Chris going to the CFO of the company and telling them they needed to do it NOW nor was it sent out. So I ended up having $500 less then what I needed to pay the rent and it was the last day to pay it. I ended up having to call my friend Rand and impose on him - yet again, this is like dozens of times I've had to rely on him at the last minute and I'm so sick of feeling like I'm just using him but I just didn't have a choice - to front me the $500 by check that I could pay him back tomorrow when they finally get around to overnighting the counsulting check to me. So I meet him but he's running late because of another technical issue his mom was having with her email and then when he got there, he realized he was out of checks so we had to drive back over to his house - all the while, he's missing his lunch hour and actually eating - get the checkbook, drive back to where my car was and write me a check. At this point, I need to get to the bank because it's like 1:15pm (my appointment remember was at 2pm an hour drive away and I wasn't even dressed for it yet) but guess what? I forgot to bring with me the rest of my money to make the total amount of the money order (they would not accept cash or check, only money order or cashier's check). So I had to drive back to the apartment (the opposite direction of course to the bank), call the recruiter and reschedule for tomorrow (oh yeah, looks sooo professional to cancel an appointment 20 minutes before you're supposed to be there) and then get to the bank, get the money order and get it back to the rental office.
UGH.
And then, last night I discovered something really fucking scary. One of my teeth is cracked. Fuck. Back when I was little and first moved to Florida (like 16 years ago) I had a cavity filled. Well that tooth (a molar in the middle right hand side bottom of my mouth) is the one that's now cracked. For over a year it would hurt when I'd have something sugary on that side - sharp, sharp stab of pain - but a year or so ago when I had my second cavity filled I mentioned it and they said there was nothing wrong there. (the 2nd cavity was on the other side). So it goes on like this, nothing there, X-rays showed nothing until last night, I'm brushing my teeth and I see it. A HUGE split right down the front part of the tooth. This is so not good.
I do a web search on this because, quite frankly, I'm panicking at this point (I've never had a problem like this before) and I find out all sorts of nasty information I just don't need right now. Like, at the very least, the filling needs to be removed and the tooth x-rayed to see how far the crack extends. They will definately need to do a cap and possibly (if it's cracked deep enough) a root canal also (oh fuck). There is also the risk of losing the tooth all together either now, or at some later point - even if I do treat it properly. Fuck fuck fuck. And time is now very much of the essance. The longer I let it go, the worse it's going to get. But....oh yes, now I remember. I have no fucking insurance because I have no fucking job and the unemployment office denied my claim after three months of waiting for an answer and now I'm waiting again for an appeal and I can't fucking do this shit anymore!!!!!!!!
I can't. I just can't keep on like this. I can't make my car payment, I can't pay my rent, I can't pay my power bill, I already lost my cable and internet a while ago, I can't pay my storage unit, I don't have insurance so I can't renew my car's registration, and now I have health problems I can't do any fucking thing about. I'm fucking drowing here, literally drowning and I can't keep holding my breath...
Chris says I'm like the lyrics to "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World right now.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can. And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away. It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle, it'll up the ride. Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright. Hey, you know they're all the same. You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in. Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else. It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright. It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright. Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just do your best, do everything you can. And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say. It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright. It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
We had a really long, in depth talk this evening about life and pain and conformity and the death of soul. There's a large portion of the convo up on my half of MD right now. It's worth reading I think but here's some of it as well...
me:ever start to question at what point is it that someone crosses that line? Like when exactly is the boundry to crazy? (and then panic that not only are you rushing headlong to it, but you actually passed it a long time ago?) ...or you ever feel like you just want to stop? like just stop? People keep thinking that I mean to kill myself but it's not that. I just want to step off the track and say no more. I'm not playing anymore. I give up. I hate the rules and I don't understand them and I don't want to play the game anymore and just wander off instead...
chris: I have done that
me: how?
chris: I just dropped out of the world and lived on the internet for about 6 months I would wake up at 3 pm and stay online till about 8 am
me: but see, I don't know how to live. eat. roof. without being part of their fucking game. I hate it. I hate their game and their rules and all of it. it's so fucked.
chris:and the rules change all the time ----- chris: I just keep swinging and fighting cause that's all I know how to do I'm a warrior remember ;-) you're the thinker, I'm the fighter
me people are branded for being a thinker or a dreamer....they're dismissed as useless and flighty when they're the soul of life reminding - screaming! - that there's MORE...but no one listens.
chris: I just live the fight, any fight, as long as I believe in what I"m fighting for
me I'm the dreamer. I'm the thinker. I'm the believer. I hope. but it gets harder all the time....I just don't think the way they do and it's killing me chris, it's just killing that what's inside me.
me I'm not just words on a resume or jobs I've worked or skills I posess or dates and bosses opinions
chris: no, your the thinker
me I'm not black and white and I don't fit this peg but I keep getting cut up into smaller and smaller pieces so I will....
chris: you come up with the ideas that people like me fight for
me but no one wants ideas anymore......
chris: no they don't.
Anyway, things are bad. There's real chance of missing my deadline of rent tomorrow because there continue to be problems in the accounting office of Chris' company. It's not his fault at all, but it's down to the line you know? Down to the moment that I don't know if I can fix this; if I can pull this one out of my ass. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm selling my soul to corporate america and the "way things are supposed to be" (bullshit) just to try to feed myself and keep a roof over my head. I feel like I'm being punished for having a thought of something different; something better. How dare I dream of happiness when I should know my place in the world and simply conform like I'm supposed to....?
And I'm sick of it all. Disgusted. But I don't know how to survive and I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.
People are weird. I get this crazy-ass email today in my inbox and, my curiosity piqued at the specific narcossis of the sender (coupled with the question of "just how much to they wish to charge for participation in their little group?") I did a little search. Seems it's a weird sorta spam that's making the rounds. See, the email details - in great babbling length - the fact that everything and everyone is fake and crazy and don't ya know life is really like the Matrix (though don't hold it against the author that he's pirating their idea though he claims in the message, he can't help that eventually similar ideas come to the surface). The email then goes on to say that in order to make contact with them, the initiate must actually find them first. This is what leads me over to the personal site of Paul Jarvis' entry about this same email. The comments of the entry are very amusing as other recepiants share their own thoughts on the receiving of the email and the crazy content of the author's site. (in which he details his hatred of music, his lack of sexual experiences, and a host of other distinctly insane comentary)
In short, all you people out there who receive an email intitled "Fakes" by diagonal498@yahoo.com asking you to search for them on the net and prove your worthiness to join them (Ryan {age 24} and Jacob {age 21}) through 25-page commentaries on yourself and your beliefs and your past and why you are worthy to be of their ransk, go ahead and hit the delete now.
Let's see...today - er, it's after midnight, so I suppose technically yesterday, but dammit, I've not gone to bed yet so it's still today for me (so there) - Joolo came over and I helped make some changes to his site. After that, we went to the mall and got some food. Then we wandered around a bit (him buying a psycho anime called "I wanna be an angel" or something) and ended up checking out that cool store Inti again (where I got my so cute Goth Hello Kitty shirt). Joolo was so funny 'cause he got all flustered by a pretty girl with some wicked cool red hair. (I teased him later that his face blushed the color of her hair). I think she was the same person there the last time we went to that store but I wasn't sure. I was gonna snag a picture of her for the site if it was but I didn't want to make her think I was crazy if she wasn't. (having to open any conversation with the words "er...I'm not some psycho but...." just not my sorta thing *lol*) What was so annoying though was the other lady there - maybe the manager type lady? - was so aggravating! She kept hovering around Joolo and I like we were gonna steal something. Please lady, the only thing I'm gonna steal is some blood from you when I punch you in the nose for being a hovery bitch. (grr) Joolo didn't get to say one word to the redhead - not like he'd tell her he thought she was cute or anything anyways (sheesh, so shy!) - and all I got to do was comment on a couple cow and pig keychains that poop when you squeeze them. (yeah, lovely sounding conversation, eh? *lol*) Anyway, Joolo's probably either turning bright red again in embarassment that I'm blathering about this here (tee hee, be forewarned! EVERYTHING goes in my journal at one point or another!) or he's going to promptly kill me tomorrow when he sees me again. Either way, I can only hope that I figure out if it was a) the same girl and b) whether she thought Joolo was cute back. *giggles* Hey, he spent enough time saying how pretty she was and dammit, the boy needs to interact with more pretty ladies.
Hrm....I believe I got on a tangent there. (who me?) As you can tell, I'm still here. Not so much doing better as just trying to believe it will all be ok. Chris' company is supposed to overnight the check (for the work I did for them a couple weeks ago) to me tomorrow for a Wednesday AM delivery (my rent is due Wednesday or else eviction) so I can go and pay them every single penny I have until my Love gets paid again on July 25th. *sigh* We are going to be so fucking broke I don't know what we're going to do for pesky things like food and stuff.
The good news is that I have an interview on Wednesday at 2pm with a recruiter who's got an opening that would pay big bugs (but would be a looong commute). The big bucks part though (like $10k MORE a year then I was making at my last job kinda big bucks) makes me more then willing to handle the commute. Considering I picked up an application for part time help at the Disney Store for crying out loud means I'm not being picky at this point, ya know? Felt good to get someone to call me anyway. Nice to know my resume isn't falling on ALL deaf ears... (which it feels like far too damned often).
Um, *blinks* I got the cutest little plant on Sunday for $1.98 (yes I splurged) that I named Heidi. She's a little Ivy and is sitting on my desk looking simply adorable. We were at Home Depot and looking at plants and I see her down on the ground, way away from the rest, hidden almost completely under the display. I felt so sad that she was like lost under there that I told her I'd take her home. And I did. She's on my desk now and I have a pic to upload which I guess I'll just do tomorrow since it's late and my Love needs to get some sleep.
Thanks to everyone for their kind thoughts. I'm trying to hang in there, but it's hard and I'm just so....empty lately. Oh well. No thinking about that now, I'm going to close the entry here. More tomorrow. Be well all.
we drink in deeply dreaming like honey'd dew in Spring; we walk in splendid sunshine and clouds of gaily fling; we fly in raging rivers with joy our voices sing; we breath in livid living and watch what heaven brings.
just something I wrote the other day and saw on paper and thought I'd post. More in a bit, I'm reading up on some interesting things here on the unbelievable, horrible and bigoted things people still try to say against Paganism, Witches and Wicca. Gods it makes me sick to my stomach to even conceive of people still being such hate-mongers!
I feel like I should write something since I can and I've missed that so very much, but as I sit here I find that there's very little I have (or desire) to say. I'm in such a funk right now that I don't know if I even want to try to work to pull myself out of it and the sobering fact of looming eviction on Wednesday makes it all the worse. It's like I just want to turn off my brain right now and just stop. I keep replaying over and over in my head all the things I feel I could do and none of them are feasable...I think of all the scoured classified ads and hours spent faxing resumes and how I'm no closer to a job then ever and things are so poor that no matter what, it's all too little, far too late... I want to sleep, but even that denies me as I wake through the night; tossing and turning and wishing I could just pass the time in oblivion. Don't think, don't be, just sleep forever.
And then I wonder why I bother to even write anything at all. Just me bitching at nothing and pouring out the same old words of sorrow and discontent to an audiance long ago bored of the show. And yet, nothing new I have to offer but my pain which is an old and long time compaignion of mine - one I've been saddled with and one I simply wish to leave me alone.
Whatever, I'm being a whiney bitch I guess...some lame ass loser blemishing the face of life. Joy of joys, I'm officially a waste of space, air and flesh who's now brought cause to waste bandwidth as well. Go me. Someone shoot me now; take me out of my misery and save my Love the burden of this useless sack of shit he's stuck attempting to support who can't even manage to support herself.
