My Love had taken the day off today. Our friends were over until about 4am last night (including a run to the 24-hour Super Wal-Mart in 30F temperatures at 2am for snacks) which was fun and silly.
We thought perhaps we'd make the drive to the IMAX cinema to see The Lion King which is back in theaters at IMAX and other "Large Format" theaters. We ended up waking up a bit too late and decided to go do some other things instead (like run down to the cool craft store since I never get to go down there). Turns out, there's something wrong with the car. It's making this hideous noise - which gets worse when you step on the gas. We ended up cutting the day short, not going anywhere, (except stopping at the bookstore which is where we had pulled off the road to turn around) and doing nothing. It was too late today by the time we got home (like 4pm) to try to get the car seen by anyone, so tomorrow - damned Saturady - we've got to take it somewhere and see what's wrong. This really, really sucks. We've literally been surviving on the change we had saved up in a jar for the last week-and-half, and just when he gets paid again (once every two weeks, was today) something unknown is wrong with the car. Looks like we won't be paying the cable or the (already past-due) phone bill if the repairs are more then about $50 (probably what it will cost just to have it "evaluated"). Fuck. We sooo can not even remotely aford this. Damnit. The last almost two weeks we've been living on no food and no gas in the car and absoultely zero money (literally just about $17 in spare change I scrounged the house for) and now, when we should finally be able to catch up a bit, put some food in the fridge, and pay our past due bills (including paying my mom back for the $80 I had to borrow so they wouldn't turn our power off on Tuesday), the car's fucked and we'll be starving another two weeks - if we can even afford to fix it in the first place. If it's more then about $250, even not paying bills, we just won't have enough to fix it. And since my Love's car has already been not running for the past YEAR, if it doesn't work, he can't even get to work and we'll be left with NO car (and no public transportation in the area) and NO way to get to work.
I just don't fucking know what to do some days. And people wonder why I get fucking depressed and suicidal. Life is just so fucking hard all the damned time and it never, ever, ever lets up. I'm ALWAYS drowning and I never get to stop and breathe. I've had a cavity for a couple years now (which hurts to eat on that side), a chipped tooth since June (which is on the other side so I can't eat much on there either), badly reoccuring and debilitating migraines and no medication in two years for it, something fucked up in my shoulder which I went for x-rays over a year ago, but haven't had the money to follow up on (it pops out of place every time I move my arm and hurts very badly each time it does that), and a host of other health problems that just get pushed aside because there's no fucking way I can afford health insurance let alone seeing a doctor unless I'm literally dying and we don't mind not eating that week instead. I'm in pain literally every day of my life (between my permantely fucked-up neck and for the past two weeks, something wrong with my jaw so that it hurts to open it and I basically can't eat anything) and there's not a single over-the-counter painkiller that touches any of it anymore unless I take at least triple the recommended amounts at which point, it's just too fucking dangerous. I just hate everything when I feel this way and I start feeling like I'm just literally worthless and that I can't take living anymore.
It just never fucking ends. Ever. And I'm sick of hurting. I just want it to stop.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 1/24/2003 10:12:24 PM ~
~
