Jef is out in the living room laughing so hard, I think he's actually crying. He, Karii and my Love are playing some game called Def Jam Vendetta out there on the GameCube. It's this wrestling game with rappers and such and they're all doing a big three-person fight. They've been playing it for hours today and several hours more each of two times since Jef bought it. And I'm sitting here, mind-numbling bored at my pc, listening to them having a good time. They invited me to come out and play it, but seeing as all of them have hours and hours (over the course of three different's night playtime) of experience in it, yeah, that's just a big no. How much fun can it be for me to get beat up by people who have played so much they've beaten boss characters and everything in the story modes? Then they get mad at me for not wanting to participate. Well sorry, but I don't think it's fun or fair to try to get me to "participate" in something I don't know how to do and they all excel at. Not my idea of a fun time. So instead, I get to sit here - at fucking 12:45am - waiting for them to leave on the off chance I'll get like a half an hour to hang out with my Love at all today (but probably not because he'll want some "down" time away to himself since he's been having fun hanging out with people for hours all night). Why don't people ever just go home when they realize it's almost one-fucking-am and he has to work in the morning (neither Jef nor Karii need to) and I've not had a fucking thing to do all night but sit there and be bored? I'm so fucking sick of just sitting around this house, 24 fucking hours a day, 7-goddamned days a week and listening to people come over like every fucking day of the week - literally - and interact in ways that leave me that much more fucking bored? Because when people come over, I can't watch tv (well I can on the shitty tiny tv here in the bedroom, but there's no place to sit but the bed) and I can't even play a video game, because of course, they're using it. There's only so many fucking hours of the day I want to sit and stare at this fucking computer being fucking so bored I want to slam my head in the wall to actually do something. ARG. I'm a fucking prisioner in my own apartment with no way to leave the fucking house EVER and nothing to fucking do that's even slightly entertaining anymore. If I'm hungry and there's nothing to eat in the place, oh fucking well, I just have to deal with it and be hungry (and hope that my Love brings something home with him or wait a couple hours for dinner after he comes home from work so I can eat my only meal of the entire day). If I want to go to a store because I need something, oh fucking well, I have to wait until the weekend and hope I can get someone to take me to Target or something so I can hurry up and rush in and rush out because they're all fucking bored with being there, but for me it's goddamned DisneyWorld compared to being at the apartment. I've needed to go to the postoffice for like three fucking months to mail off some things that I bought for postcardx but I can't ever leave the house and no one even comes here before like 5-6pm and it closes at 4:30pm.

I am so fucking bored every goddamned moment of my sad and pathetic fucking life and I am so sick and tired of being fucking trapped in my apartment 24 fucking hours a day, seven fucking days a week!!! I'm so sick of pretending I don't care that I'm sitting here alone - SO FUCKING ALONE IN A GODDAMNED CROWD - all the time while everyone uses our apartment as a way to get out of their own homes and have a good time. Why can't I ever have a good time?? Why can't I ever leave my house?? The only reason I get dressed at all is because people come over every single night. Some nights, after like three or four hours of people being over - they NEVER leave before like 2-fucking-am - I just give up and put my PJ's back on since I'm condemed to a 10x12 room anyway. It's like fucking jail without even the socialization. Times like this I just get so depressed and moody and I snap at everyone and everything and people can't understand why, but if they just sat and stared non-stop for 15+ hours a day at the computer for lack of ANYTHING else to do, they'd be depressed and moody and snappy too.

Fuck, I'm just ranting and I'm sure I'll manage to piss someone off who'll get all huffy or shit about what I say in my own fucking journal, but right now I don't care. I'm upset and this is the place for me to say what I feel so I'm fucking saying it.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 4/11/2003 12:58:47 AM ~ ~