I didn't sleep well last night, going to bed like 5am and getting up like 10:30am with all kinds of weirdness inbetween. I think I'm going to just sleep for a day or two when I get home today. My mom's meeting me at the vet and she already said she'd stay with him until the very end. I don't think I can; I don't want to remember him as being actually dead. I don't think I can handle that. I feel really bad about that and really weak; like I'm leaving him when he needs me most, but I just can't do it. I can't actually watch him die. It's just too cruel in a day that will already go down as being horribly cruel. (To me anyway, the point of this all is to free him from the cruelty of his cancer, though it still feels too much like I'm just killing my cat. Logically, I know the cancer is, but...)
I really have to thank everyone for their supportive comments and while I don't have the mental state to write coherant thank-you's back, know that I really do mean thank you nonetheless.
This is all for now, for probably a few days unless I feel the need to write more about how I feel afterwards. I'm not sure yet, I might want to get some of that sorrow out, or I might not. If I go silent for some days or a week, I'm not gone, just in mourning. If you need to reach me, you can drop me an email.
I love you now and always Kush, you're a friend, you're family and you've been there for me for thirteen years. Thank you for the gift that is your life. It's touched mine in so many ways, I couldn't even begin to count them.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/22/2003 11:05:29 AM ~
~
