I find myself milling around today, just mindless in my attentions and actions, not having any answer for those questions. I find myself daydreaming of reasons to stall or put it off; to delay it for another day, week, month...to not face it. To now know it hangs there bloated and menacing for tomorrow. I look at him and I know that everyone else sees it's time. They see how he's done to bone; they see the unbelievable size of the tumor; they see his difficulty in laying down. I see that too, but I also still see Kush; I see him jump up on my lap; I see him follow me around the house like he always has; I see him seek me out to lay down and have me pet him like he enjoys. I see so much of that and so much of him and I wonder how it is that tomorrow I kill him.
I think on the fact that it'll be $153 tomorrow including putting him to sleep and the private cremation so I can get back his ashes and I think how I don't even have that much money (and how I'll be letting my phone get disconnected in order to even hope to cover it) and I try to validate that as a reason to postpone. Is that selfish? Is that wrong? Or do I know it's not yet his time, but I hear the words of everyone else so convincing, who just see the bad that they don't see the daily actions and inherant Kush-ness still left in him? How do I know I'm doing the right thing?
The clock just keeps ticking and the answers aren't coming, but time is running out. What do I do and how do I make sure it's the right choice? And how do I hold on enough to keep him in my heart and mind when he's gone?
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/21/2003 02:24:31 PM ~
~
