Nothing much to say. Haven't felt like posting. The days are kind of just going by, you know, the way they do whether or not you pay attention. My Love wasn't feeling good and called off so I spent the last couple days with him which was a nice change. Being around someone makes it easier for me to keep from sliding back into the crushing sadness. We went for ice cream Thursday night which was nice too. He's just a sweetheart. Someone gave me the name of a local place that I might be able to call to see someone for cheap - sliding scale kinda thing. Which is good because I just don't have money for anything, let alone something extra. We ended up getting behind again so we're like a check behind right now. It's making it even harder then normal. We won't be able to catch up until about the second week in August. He gets paid every two weeks and we have schedule of what comes out of the first and what comes out of the second check. Well, we got behind and now it's tighter then normal until we can get back ON schedule. We basically ended up having to pay rent on back-to-back checks and rent takes pretty much all of his check. Add to the fact last month we had to pay $100 extra because we were four days late and you can see how easy it is to be stuck megabroke. The thing right now is that I hope the phone company continues to forget about disconnecting the phone - we got the final day to pay notice dated July 16th, but *knock on wood* they've not disconnected yet. If they do, it'll be like a month before we'll be caught up enough to pay it and by then, we'll lose our phone number. (Which sucks because I have business cards printed up with my number). *sigh* And of course, if the phone goes off, then there's definatly no way I can call about seeing someone to talk to. I hate money. I hate the fact that such pathetic amounts can cripple me. Like the phone bill. We're $150.42 behind plus the next bill came in. So for like $200 total, we're going to lose it. That's just stupid. I hate that some people can spend more then that on a pair of shoes and I don't even have it to pay for a utility. I'm depressed in part because we can't survive but because I'm depressed I can't function enough to look for a real job, let alone hold one down. I just can't even seriously think about pulling the 8am - 5pm plus drive there and back schedule without seriously feeling like I'm going to vomit. It makes my head hurt and causes this horrible pressure in my chest. I can't even describe it. It's like someone who was attacked by a horrible, vicious dog who now can't even think about Lassie without a near panick attack. I think I might be able to do part-time - like a four hour day kinda schedule - but I can't find ANYTHING around here that's "real" work (not a minimum wage crap job that will make me feel worse about myself and my situation, not better AND not pay a single bill). Those I do are over an hour commute one-way away and with one car and for only part-time, I can't do it. It'd cost me more then I was making. I swear I should just tattoo "damned if I do; damned if I don't" across my forehead. It seems to be my life's motto...

Anyway, I should go get dressed. Our friend Rand's coming over. I think we're going to go out to look for a big screen TV for his new house today. Vicarious shopping. How sad. That's all for now.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/19/2003 02:47:47 PM ~ ~