After that, we swung by Best Buy and he thinks he found the tv he wants, but didn't buy it because the sales guy there was a jerk. He kept badmouthing Sony even after Rand expressed that he was quite interested in the tv and that two different consumer reporting sites gave the model very strong marks. He kept repeating over and over that he didn't like it and was trying to push towards a Mitsubishi instead. (Can you say SPIFS anyone? Just because they don't work on commission, doesn't mean they don't get told to push certain models/brands.) Poor Rand though is now in his new house, but doesn't have a tv in there, or his computer set up yet. Kinda boring to be in a house without a tv (as in none; he doesn't have one set up at all) or a computer.
Beyond all that, I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who's come out of the woodwork (you guys all read my journal? Wow. *blushes* An audience - go figure!) to give your support in the journal feedback. This whole depression thing - understanding it, learning about it, trying to come to terms with it and also trying to figure out how to [perhaps finally] look for ways to get better - has been painful to wade through. But it's cool to know that there are others out there who "get" it and who understand at least a little what this is all like. So...thanks. At a time like this when I'm feeling very estranged from my family at the same time I'm trying to decide whether or not I need to break ties for my own betterment and health, it's especially helpful to have other people around - even if it's just through a comment. Makes me feel a little less alone and a little less isolated. If anyone wants to talk, you're welcome to drop me an email - the inbox is always open. me (at) giveneyestosee (dot) com
Well, Love's going to be heading to bed soon, so I think I'll wrap up for the night.
inserting previous day's entry here since it was being eaten by a glitch
Sunday, July 20, 2003
So I've been reading up a bit on different things about depression online. And some of it I thought I would share.
Signs of Depression: Five or more lasting at least two weeks
*Persistent sad, anxious, numb, or "empty" mood
*Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, guilt
*Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
*Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that you once enjoyed
*Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
*Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down" or feeling sluggish
*Increased appetite with weight gain, or decreased appetite with weight loss
*Thoughts of self-injury, or attempting to injure yourself
*Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts
*Restlessness, irritability, nervousness
*Difficulty concentrating, remembering things, or making decisions
*Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, backaches, etc.
Pretty much all of them with the exception of suicide attempts apply. And to be honest, when I try to really sit and think for how long I've felt this way, I can't really remember a time when I didn't. I fantasize in my head of a time when I was honestly and truly happy, but I can't put a date to it; I think it's more a sad longing for something that never really was, as opposed to something I once had. When I look back, I think I've spent most of my life in one form or another of depression. That's sad. And wrong. I think I got too much of the "oh, just cheer up" feedback growing up and I never had a chance to really address my feelings and deal with this ball-and-chain sorrow of mine. Which leads me to my next thing to share...
Things you should NOT say to a person who is depressed:
* "You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear."
* "But it's all in your mind."
* "As you get stronger you won't have to wallow in it as much."
* "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."
* "Do you feel better now?" (Usually said following a five minute conversation in which the speaker has asked me "what's wrong?" and "would you like to talk about it?" with the best of intentions, but absolutely no understanding of depression as anything but an irrational sadness.)
* "Why don't you just grow up?"
* "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
* "There are a lot of people worse off than you."
* "It's a beautiful day!"
* "What do you have to be depressed about?"
* "Happiness is a choice"
* "Maybe you should take vitamins for your stress."
* "Lighten up!"
* "Why can't you just be normal?"
* "Oh come on now, things aren't *that* bad"
* "You need to get out more."
* "Take a hot bath. That's what I always do when I'm upset."
* "Well, everyone gets depressed sometimes!"
* "You never think of anyone but yourself."
* "You're just looking for attention."
* "Have you got PMS?"
* "Why don't you smile more?"
* "The only one you're hurting is yourself."
* "You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it."
* "You brought it on yourself"
* "Snap out of it, will you?"
* "You *want* to feel this way."
* "You have no reason to feel this way."
* "Its your own fault."
* "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
* "Just don't think about it."
* "Just try a little harder!"
* "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."
* "Just pull yourself together"
* "Oh, perk up!"
* "Try not being so depressed."
* "Quit whining. Go out and get a job and you won't have time to brood..."
* "You don't like feeling that way? So, change it."
* "I want the old (Insert name) back. I don't like the way you are now."
* "Why don't you just get a part time job: you would feel so much better."
* "I know others who have overcome the same illness and they are holding down jobs: so what's holding you up?"
* "Keep your chin up!"
* "You're just being immature."
* "You are your own worst enemy."
* "That is life, you have to get used to it."
* "My life isn't fun either."
* "Maybe it's because of your diet."
* "A walk always cheers me up."
What not to say
Well-meant comments like 'you can't be sad, you've everything to live for' and crass ones such as 'pull yourself together' and 'snap out of it' are totally unhelpful. A depressed person does not have the ability to 'snap out of it'. Nobody chooses to be depressed or gains anything from the symptoms, and if they only could just 'snap out of it' they certainly would. Sensitivity and patience are paramount.
Many of these have come out of my mother's mouth almost identical as listed. Things like "it's just in your mind" and "just feel better" or "just get a job and you'll be happy again." All that crap that doesn't do a thing to make me feel better, just belittles the reality and the depth of the situation and shows just how little she really understands what depression is. So what is it really?
What Is Depression?
A depressive disorder, or depressive illness, is a whole-body illness, involving your body, mood and thoughts. It affects the way you eat and sleep, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you think about things. A depressive disorder is not a passing blue mood. People with a depressive illness cannot merely pull themselves together, or snap out of it and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months or years.
Depression is an illness. It's not just made up, it's not just someone who has a bad day. It effects everything from your mood to your outlook on life, to how you feel physically to how much you eat and sleep. When I find myself struggling to complete simple tasks because I'm tired and distracted and don't have the focus to follow-through, that's depression. When I can't fall asleep until I'm dead tired and then sleep for ten hours, that's depression. When I pick at my food and eat less then a child per day, that's depression. All these things are like eye-openers to me. It's realizing that things are the way they are because of how I am; because I'm sick in a way I didn't fully understand. A sickness that's stronger and more debilitating then I thought.
So...what to do about it? Well, if my phone is still on I'm going to try to call the local place that a friend left the name of. I'm really, really going to try. It's hard though. I don't know if I can make the call. Part of me almost hopes that the phone is off so that I have an excuse not to call. That might be hard to understand, but it's how I feel. I just know that this will be a long, uphill struggle and as hard as it is to believe, I just don't want to struggle. What I really want is to sink into a dark oblivian, so having to face a fight is painful. Another problem is that I don't want to be medicated in order to be made better. I don't do medication of any kind, so I want to go the longer, but I personally think more fulfilling route of trying to work through it by talking with someone. I realize that there is no reason to be shamed by depression and I also realize that anti-depressants do help the majority of people regain brain chemical balances, but....I also know that for me, it's not the right choice. I do not respond well to any medication I've ever taken and I have horrible times with side-effects even for normal things like antibiotics. I'm not looking for a bandage. There's too much inside that I need to work through before I can get over this. Medication may make the symptoms go away quicker, but it won't remove the reasons that they begin the in first place. I want a cure, not a patch job. I know that I can get better with help. And it's a goal worth shooting for. I just don't know if I can take the first step and make the call. *deep breath*
Anyway, here's info on getting help yourself:
How To Get Help
Call the National Foundation for Depressive Illness, Inc., 1-800-248-4344, for up-to-date information on Depression and Manic Depression, for nationwide referral lists of university medical centers and physicians who specialize in the treatment of Depressive Illness, and for patient support groups.
Some sources for further reading: WedMD Center for Depression, Depression @lliance Online (UK site), Depression @ About, National Insitute of Mental Health. There's plenty more with a quick google search.
Just some info and some personal thoughts on it all. That's it for now.
note: my server's ftp access is apparently down as I try to post this. So, it's now like 1:05pm, but this entry probably won't get uploaded until after I go take a shower and hope the ftp has come back up. Ok, it's up.
:: so says Memory and Dream at 7/20/2003 01:04:41 PM :: speak to me ::
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 7/21/2003 01:25:38 AM ~
~
