First up, my tooth...ugh. You might remember that over a year ago now, I discovered I had a cracked tooth. More accurately, a split.
And then, last night I discovered something really fucking scary. One of my teeth is cracked. Fuck. Back when I was little and first moved to Florida (like 16 years ago) I had a cavity filled. Well that tooth (a molar in the middle right hand side bottom of my mouth) is the one that's now cracked. For over a year it would hurt when I'd have something sugary on that side - sharp, sharp stab of pain - but a year or so ago when I had my second cavity filled I mentioned it and they said there was nothing wrong there. (the 2nd cavity was on the other side). So it goes on like this, nothing there, X-rays showed nothing until last night, I'm brushing my teeth and I see it. A HUGE split right down the front part of the tooth. This is so not good.
I do a web search on this because, quite frankly, I'm panicking at this point (I've never had a problem like this before) and I find out all sorts of nasty information I just don't need right now. Like, at the very least, the filling needs to be removed and the tooth x-rayed to see how far the crack extends. They will definately need to do a cap and possibly (if it's cracked deep enough) a root canal also (oh fuck). There is also the risk of losing the tooth all together either now, or at some later point - even if I do treat it properly. Fuck fuck fuck. And time is now very much of the essance. The longer I let it go, the worse it's going to get.
So, I discovered it last year. In July 2002. And for the past year, I've just not really eaten anything on that side and tried to be careful. Well, now it's starting to hurt. Like all the time. A dull, constant throb that's made worse when I touch my gums near the tooth or eat on it in the wrong way (I sometimes eat soft things there because my left side gets sore from being used so much and might have a cavity from being forced to eat on that side all the time; it hurts when I eat things sweet on the upper left side). All-in-all, this just isn't good. I don't have medical insurance let alone dental, and it's going to be way more money then I have (which is basically none). I just don't need shit like this...
Then, the other fun thing looming over my week is that it's my mom's birthday on Friday. I haven't spoken to her the last couple weeks since she was a flat-out bitch to me and told me all the things you DON'T say to someone who's depressed. Telling me I just need to "cheer up" and shit and how I used to be such a "dynamo" and now how I'm basically just a loser. Yeah, fuck you too mother.
So the problem is that I do NOT In any way want to deal with her. Period. I can't fathom a time that I'm going to want to in the near future. Seriously. At this point in time, I can't picture myself interacting with her at all. But if I don't do something for her fucking birthday, I'll NEVER hear the end of it; like for the rest of my life no exaggeration. My mother guilts me for everything in my life. And I realized how unhealthy it is to let her talk to me that way and for me to deal with her. So I'm not. But I'm trying to figure out how to shut her up and still not have to deal with her. I'm thinking if I just mail her a damned card - but it's SO not going to be some sappy peice of shit I normally by because she demands a fucking tear-jerker card - and most likely, it will include something about how utterly helpless her comments are and how I don't want her in my life. It's not going to be pretty and I just find myself even more stressed about trying to pry her influence out of my life.
Anyway, physical and emotional pain are the headliners of the week for me. Add to that some really weird dreams that leave me tired when I wake up and my new downstairs neighbors who are fucking pissing me off to no end - they literally are doing something down there that sounds like an elephant stomping. There's a HUGE T-H-U-D ALL THE TIME and it's so bad that it rattles my computer desk sometimes and wakes me up continually. I've taken to jumping and screaming and stomping on my floor when they do it, but it doesn't help and just worries my Love because parts of our floor is sinking (we're on the 2nd floor)...just a bad week and a bad situation all over the place. I think I'm falling into a funk again....I feel myself just losing grip and sliding. Too much; I just can't deal with it. I dunno. I'm going to try to get some sleep I guess. I just feel so hopeless and I hate it, but it's like I don't have the energy or will to do anything about it.
whatever. I'm out for now.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 8/6/2003 03:17:45 AM ~
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