Mornings come too early these days and the week is STILL not over. By the evening again yesterday, I had another migraine coming on. Went to bed at midnight with a migraine ice and I'm still way beat. I keep waking up in the mornings way before the alarm - like an hour or more sometimes - and then I'm there not fully asleep for the rest of the time allowed. Then the alarm goes off the first time which wakes me up more fully again. Then it goes off the second time from the snooze. Then I lay there another 20 minutes while my Love's getting ready before I have to actually get up myself and throw some clothes on to take him in. So by the time I actually get out of bed at 7:30am, I've been awake since about 6am. It's just killing me. How can I be this tired so many days in a row and going to bed so very early? Hell, I've even dozed off on the couch the last couple days in the afternoon for like half hour or so. I'm just beat.

The apartment situation has gone from bad to possibly do-able to bad and now to absurd. Instead of over $800 in deposit, the first apartment complex now wants over $1200 in deposit. We'd be moving not only to a different city, but across the county border and would have to change our power company as well - another $216 deposit. Also, the cable and phone have transfer fees ranging in the $50-100 line. THEN, we'd also have to get renter's insurance - required by that complex. That's payable quartly so there's ANOTHER $75 or so bucks. Plus first month's rent and THEN moving costs and cleaning costs for our current apartment. The other place we applied for - and who we didn't forsee an issue since the first place said they'd accept my Love without issue were it not for me having the problem on my record with Twin Lakes. Well, they did have a problem and they're saying the only way we can go in there is with a co-signer. A CO-SIGNER! What....?!! Needless to say, we don't have that as an option and so now we're royally fucked. We've been keeping our current place at bay with month-to-month because they knew we were looking for another apartment. Well, now that we've spent $100 in application fees to the two places and we just can't spend $2000 or more to get into apt. #1 and don't have a co-signer to get into apt. #2, it looks like we'll be stuck signing a new lease on our fucking ghetto complex. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Neither one of us wants to stay there a moment longer, let alone another year. But we can't keep spending money, having my Love's credit score go down each time it's checked, and keep getting denied. We're out of options and both of us are just about ready to jump off a cliff. (Good thing there's no cliffs in Florida or we'd both be dead by now.)

I don't know what to do anymore. It's like I'm not allowed to get my hopes up. I'm not allowed to have anything better in life. I can't get out of the scary, dangerous, loud and felons-for-neighbors apartment complex. I can't ever come home and relax because I never know when the cops will be out again, perhaps arresting people again, or when the group of thugs will be leaning against my door or railing. I never know what they're up to - the screaming, the yelling, the throwing glass bottles around - and I never feel safe. That's such a good way to live right? What the fuck now. I mean really. What the fuck...?

This morning it was all I could do to crawl out from underneath my blankets. I'm slipping again. The depression is clawing me back down and it's like I don't even feel like bothering to fight it. Why? Not that it does any good. Not like I can ever hope for something more or better in life. I don't want to be here and I don't want to think anymore and dammit, most of all I want to stop hoping that things will work out for me. They never fucking do and I'm sick of failing.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 12/11/2003 10:02:00 AM ~ ~