given.eyes.to.see dot com | the ever changing status of m v6.0: spring in bloom

Listening to some Sarah McLachlan right now. So, snipet from my song of the moment.

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

-Sarah McLachlan, Elsewhere
Album: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy (1994)

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 1/11/2003 01:59:34 AM ~ ~

Ugh, I had the worst headache earlier tonight - full blown damned migraine (my sleeping has been all out of wonk, so it was bound to happen) - but it actually just sorta got better on it's own. Which is wonderful (because that pretty much doesn't happen. Ever). I'm heading off to bed now - much later then I wanted again - because tomorrow's a busy day. We're having my Love's family over for a dinner and I'm making my famous lasagna again which is a bit of work, plus the kitchen needs to be cleaned before I can even start making it. (ugh). Need my rest because tomorrow's going to be hectic!

Just wanted to say a general thanks to those who have contacted me in one way or another about my recent entries discussing my unhappiness lately. It's nice to know people care and can relate. I'll get more into it again I guess tomorrow or such, but I really just wanted to drop off an entry since I haven't and I felt the desire to. (and right now, feeling a desire to do anything productive is a good thing. I mostly don't have the desire or strength to do anything at all...) I don't know what it is, but eh..I'm here, I'll figure it out or get over it eventually I suppose. Either way, I'm going to bed now (good avoidance manuvere there, hu?) so that's about it for now.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 1/10/2003 05:40:53 AM ~ ~

I feel so sad lately. So lonely. I don't really know why either. It's just like everything hurts. Like I'm trapped at the bottom of some well, cold and damaged as the world passes by so far overhead. And I can hear them; and I can see glimpses of them out there, but I'm stuck waaaay down here where no one even remembers I've fallen. I hate when I feel this way. It's like it just washes over me; crashing like waves on the shore. And I'm suddenly there, drowning, under the force of the sadness. and it smothers me. I don't know, I just sit and stare and want to just cry. There's nothing wrong, but everything is and feels that way and then those stark, cold facts start slapping me and it mreminds me there are things wrong and everything is not fine. I'm just so lonely and sad and even though I have friends and a wodnerful Love, it never seems to permiate into the sadness. it helps me not be alone I guess but never helps me not be lonely.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 1/8/2003 04:22:08 PM ~ ~

Jef got me playing Animal Crossing on the GameCube (me..and my Love...and our friend Rand...) so he came over tonight and played with it for a bit.

Tried to use our new (xmas gift from my mom) electric fondue pot for the first time tonight and didn't do so well. It works wonderful, but cooks way faster and we just didn't have the timing down on it. We'll figure it out though.

Just going to bed now. Haven't wanted to post. Nothing to say. No want to say anything anyway. Made myself post this before going to bed just because it's like habit to post at least once a day. Maybe it's a habit I should break. I'm not so sure that it's serving any purpose anymore. There's never anything to talk about and I just always am unhappy and feeling like shit and even I get sick of hearing it.

So, if I just up and stop posting that's why. I dunno. Maybe I'm just emotional from Aunt Flo being in town. Maybe I'm overtired. Or maybe I just wanna go away for awhile. All I know is I'm not happy with how things are now. And I haven't been for a long time. In so many ways.

Can I wake up tomorrow and just be someone else instead? Is it too late to do a trade-in on this life? No, not a refund, maybe just an exchange? Because, I was sure I had my receipt in here somewhere...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 1/7/2003 06:17:19 AM ~ ~