It's been a cold day - and in more then just temperature.
My Love had taken the day off today. Our friends were over until about 4am last night (including a run to the 24-hour Super Wal-Mart in 30F temperatures at 2am for snacks) which was fun and silly.
We thought perhaps we'd make the drive to the IMAX cinema to see The Lion King which is back in theaters at IMAX and other "Large Format" theaters. We ended up waking up a bit too late and decided to go do some other things instead (like run down to the cool craft store since I never get to go down there). Turns out, there's something wrong with the car. It's making this hideous noise - which gets worse when you step on the gas. We ended up cutting the day short, not going anywhere, (except stopping at the bookstore which is where we had pulled off the road to turn around) and doing nothing. It was too late today by the time we got home (like 4pm) to try to get the car seen by anyone, so tomorrow - damned Saturady - we've got to take it somewhere and see what's wrong. This really, really sucks. We've literally been surviving on the change we had saved up in a jar for the last week-and-half, and just when he gets paid again (once every two weeks, was today) something unknown is wrong with the car. Looks like we won't be paying the cable or the (already past-due) phone bill if the repairs are more then about $50 (probably what it will cost just to have it "evaluated"). Fuck. We sooo can not even remotely aford this. Damnit. The last almost two weeks we've been living on no food and no gas in the car and absoultely zero money (literally just about $17 in spare change I scrounged the house for) and now, when we should finally be able to catch up a bit, put some food in the fridge, and pay our past due bills (including paying my mom back for the $80 I had to borrow so they wouldn't turn our power off on Tuesday), the car's fucked and we'll be starving another two weeks - if we can even afford to fix it in the first place. If it's more then about $250, even not paying bills, we just won't have enough to fix it. And since my Love's car has already been not running for the past YEAR, if it doesn't work, he can't even get to work and we'll be left with NO car (and no public transportation in the area) and NO way to get to work.
I just don't fucking know what to do some days. And people wonder why I get fucking depressed and suicidal. Life is just so fucking hard all the damned time and it never, ever, ever lets up. I'm ALWAYS drowning and I never get to stop and breathe. I've had a cavity for a couple years now (which hurts to eat on that side), a chipped tooth since June (which is on the other side so I can't eat much on there either), badly reoccuring and debilitating migraines and no medication in two years for it, something fucked up in my shoulder which I went for x-rays over a year ago, but haven't had the money to follow up on (it pops out of place every time I move my arm and hurts very badly each time it does that), and a host of other health problems that just get pushed aside because there's no fucking way I can afford health insurance let alone seeing a doctor unless I'm literally dying and we don't mind not eating that week instead. I'm in pain literally every day of my life (between my permantely fucked-up neck and for the past two weeks, something wrong with my jaw so that it hurts to open it and I basically can't eat anything) and there's not a single over-the-counter painkiller that touches any of it anymore unless I take at least triple the recommended amounts at which point, it's just too fucking dangerous. I just hate everything when I feel this way and I start feeling like I'm just literally worthless and that I can't take living anymore.
It just never fucking ends. Ever. And I'm sick of hurting. I just want it to stop.
Ugh. Awake and my head hurts. So...tired. Couldn't sleep worth a damn. My neck's killing me. And I wanna curl back up and sleep the rest of the day away. I am SO not prepared to be showing someone anything today. I'm in a fog and feel like shit. This just sucks ass. The wind is absolutely howling out there as the cold front moves in and it sounds so nice to sleep to. :(
fuck.
and it's going to be a looooong day. All day teaching her ACT! and then still being over there for dinner, so there all evening. I can't even come home and crash when I'm done showing her whatever the heck I can. Ugh. damned neck and head. I officially feel like shit.
So...eh. My day off turned into more of an afternoon-evening off. *lol* What can I say? I had stuff to do!
Got my second hard drive installed. Tomorrow I'm tackling formatting it, making it the primary and installing a clean windows install on it. (and thus preventing me from having to back up all my files on my current main drive). Having all sorts of wonky system errors, crashes, and junk, so....I need it.
Busy day tomorrow. I'm supposed to train my friend Rand's mom on how to use ACT! which I find funny since I don't really know how to use it, I just kinda installed it and started using it to get her contacts entered for her. It's money and such, but I feel weird trying to teach someone something that I'm just figuring out myself. This is when the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants ability to just "get" software really, really helps out. Rand's picking me up like 11am tomorrow (ugh! I normall get up like 12:30pm!!) and then, when my Love gets off work, we'll be having dinner over there as well. So...I definately won't be around during the day tomorrow.
Mkay, well stuff to do. Sleepiness to attempt to find so I can actually sleep tonight for once in like a year. ttfn.
I've turned off my pc - yup, that's right, off, not just rebooted - for a bit and I'm going to go do something non-pc related for a bit. Just posting from my love's pc to say I might not post in a bit and I'm definately not going to be on YIM or the boards anytime soon.
Taking a vacation from the virtual tonight. :)
ps: it is the most BEAUTIFUL day out. Light breeze, low humidity, warm sun, about 73F...man, I wish I could bottle a day like this up and make it last forever. Apparently, we should enjoy it while it lasts because they're forcasting the next two days we'll drop into the 20's at night. Oh dear god.
We went to a hockey game tonight free thanks to tickets my friend Rand's company had bought. Jef came along and got to see his very first game in person ever. :) The Lightning hosted Ottawa and beat their asses 6-2F. It was a good game with much hitting and a lot of on-ice aggression (the Lightning had lost their last game to Ottawa, 7-1, so tonight was payback.) We were ONE row back from the glass and that is always great because you get to really see/hear/feel when the players SMASH into the boards. It was awesome.
Jef has an even greater love of hockey now and wants to see more games live. He didn't believe how fast the games are when you're watching them in person as opposed to on tv. That, and how FAST it is and how BIG the players are. :) It was fun to go since we could root for the Lightning (we normally only get out to games when Boston or something comes to town - like twice a season) since we got to cheer them on with the rest of the crowd. There were like zero Ottawa fans there tonight.
Anyway, been dozing out on the couch and my Love's just gone to bed, so I'm gonna get ready and call it an early evening myself. TTFN.
Recent thoughts on this bullshit war and reading Orb's Journal made me think of this quote I had heard on the Discovery channel a few nights ago. It was a special on the Voyager spacecraft, which was loaded up with all sorts of things from Earth - pictures, music, art, drawings - as it was sent out towards the edges of our solar system. It took pictures of our sister planets and, at the very edge of the system, a brillant scientist named Carl Sagan, successfully got NASA to point Voyager's cameras back at Earth, to see the "pale blue dot" the way someone from outside our system would see it. These are part of his thoughts.
... Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there - on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors, so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light.
We're so small. And our differences so minor. All alone in the night, and we can't even live on this wonderful little planet together. What is it all for? This war and hatred? For a cosmic blink of an eye in so-called "glory." We should be humbled by this, our home, so small and solitary. We should realize that we all live here together and we shouldn't be so quick to hate each other. I think this image and his words ring with truth and I hope everyone takes a minute to really think about the context of this in the latest line of wars that we're blindly stumbling into.
Ok, I went to bed last night, thinking I needed to reverse the colors, but as it was like 5:30am and my Love was happily sleeping next to me, I decided to wait until I got up to do it. So here goes nothing. :)
By the way.... FUCK it's COLD out!! It's like 45 degrees right now. Today is day two of the three days of freeze warnings. Jeez. These are the coldest days of the season so far. I realize that 45 may not seem cold to a lot of people out there, but you have to grasp the fact that it was like 77 degrees on Christmas day and you could wear shorts! It just doesn't get that cold here that often. So...after almost seventeen years in Florida, I am so not used to being in 45F temperatures and I'm a popsicle!
Eh. Can't figure out what to do with the background. I don't want the fire (don't know if anyone besides sang saw it because it's too much), don't want it white (too bright), don't want it black (too dark and the table doesn't stand out enough) and I can't figure out what other color to make it. It's a dark grey at the moment, but...eh. I'm not happy with it. It's that one last thing I'm just not "getting" to call the design done ya know? Sheesh, spent far too damned long on a "temporary, holder" layout this evening! *lol* We had a "gaming" night over here tonight - a house full of people playing video games and card games and such - but, mostly, nothing I play, so I hung out in the bedroom here, working on it. (and actually not surfing at all...impressive!)
Thoughts or comments or suggestions welcomed. :) Night for now, I'm gonna surf a bit and call it good.
edit: I'm so stupidly thrilled with the very simple css I used for my link hover - the use of an image (esp. a gradiant) - just looks so freakin' awesome. Yes folks, I DO amuse easily!
Wow. I think I actually got almost all of it working properly the very *first* time I've published. oooh. Just need to fix the target link on the feedback link since it's trying to open a javascript window AND target a new window at the same time, but...hrm. Might actually have gone smoothly for once. Go figure.
testing a new theme I made this evening. I wanted to do something simple since I've been pounding my head into the wall trying to do something complex and not getting it the way I want it. So of course, I end up spending like four hours working on my "simple" layout. *smacks head into wall* doh! kinda defeated the point. Oh well. At least I popped it off in an evening. This way when I get sick of it in a couple days, I won't feel bad changing it again. *lol*
Can you believe I've kept ver1 since AUGUST 2002? Ugh. That has to be a record for me.
