I'm so bummed out. Yesterday I was sick - violently so, puking and miserable. I slept fitfully last night (waking up with sharp pains in my stomach, sweating, etc.). We had set the alarm for 7am (we went to bed at like 2am) so we could plan to leave for the wedding about 8:15am. Well, somehow, while hitting the snooze button, my Love turned the alarm off. We slept until 8:20am. At this point, we're already running late. Then my stomach decides it's not done with me and I go throw up again (despite the fact there's pretty much in my stomach, it doesn't care, I'm still in there dry heaving for ten minutes). My stomach is hell and I'm in total pain and we're already running late. My Love has to leave and I'm not even dressed because I just got done trying to throw up my stomach lining and I just utterly feel like absolute shit. He ends up leaving and going by himself.
I so did not want this day to go this way. I ended up being in the bathroom another hour or so, then laid down and slept (fitfully again) for a couple hours and then back to the bathroom. He called a little while ago and everyone of course is asking where I am and what's going on and he's stuck there by himself facing another two-hour drive alone to come back. Ugh, I feel like shit on so many levels. I think the leftovers I ate for lunch yesterday were bad because this has to be food poisoning or something. I don't throw up from stress - only from virus or food poisoning. We were going to have a nice day and spend some time together and enjoy the apparently beautiful grounds up there, and now it's all gone to shit. I couldn't go because I was busy being sick and my Love is all mad at me (even though it wasn't my fault and I certainly didn't just puke for the fun of it; I think I have to hate puking more then anyone on the planet because I rather do just about anything in life then fucking puke) and the have a nice day out day has turned into a source of bitterment and anger and hurt and sickness for me. I still feel horrible and I just want to curl up and die. I hate that my fucking stomach ruined the day and that now it's all gone to fucking shit because I ate something bad.
Out at Ross trying to find a present for my Love's cousin's wedding tomorrow (the one that we have to drive to, two hours away and be there at 11am) when my stomach just went haywire on me. Rushed home, puked (something I like never do and when I do, oh gods do I hate it and it never ever fucking makes me feel better) and now I've been sitting in pain for like two hours because I still feel sick (like I need to puke more, but I don't think I do - pretty sure every last bit of the food that was in my stomach is gone so what's left??) and it's not getting any better. My Love just ran out to get me some ginger ale, but fuck do I feel horrid. I was fine until we were in the checkout at the store. Ugh...what the hell?
*so sick....trying to distract myself and it's so not working*
I'm over with Rand's mom working on the ACT! database. I'm always so happy when there's some error and it's not just me. I just had to track down why all her reports were printing solid black fields instead of just the black text of the field. Luckily, it was an easy find and an easy fix (just edit the template). She ran off down the street because someone's lawn truck didn't make it through the gate and the trailer took out the gate. This amused her to no end - the people in this neighborhood are so uptight that she finds it funny they are now going to face consequences for making the gate close on purpose even when a car is in the way - and she had to go see the damage for herself.
Walked around today with my mom out at the (oh-so-touristy) sponge docks and it was a bright and hot day out. I was looking for some kitchy items to send out for postcardx. I found some, but by the time I got home, I was really drowsy from being out in the sun and I nodded off twice on the couch. Now of course, I've got that sorta queasy, kinda headachy feeling from the passing out but not actual sleeping. (Hence the "urmph")
Food's up though so I'm going to go eat and maybe take a shower in the hopes it will make me feel better. It's Wednesday (West Wing night!) though I'm not sure if it's a new one or not. Anyway, dinner's waiting. Ta.
quicksand of the soul... taken from a post with a friend on a message board about how he's felt things are just off and changed with him. I related and replied and wanted to share
I can understand this. There are many times where I just disconnect from everything - and not just from online things. Yesterday I was literally just out of sync and out of place with the entire world around me. I was quiet and just sat there while everyone around asked what was wrong. Nothing was, just that I wasn't really there . It's like something that slips up on me when I'm not paying attention; this unnatural stillness inside. It's like I stop being and just start existing on only the most shallow and basic of levels. I don't even know if I'm making any sense, but it's like something that comes over me - the word shroud keeps coming to mind, but it's more and it's within and it just slows everything down so I don't really think or see or feel so much as just sit there.
I hope you find your own way back into the things you want and enjoy and perhaps even add to it with new and different things as well. Perhaps you need a temporary change of scenery or a shift in approach and routine in your daily life to jar you out of your funk.
his:: It's like I was walking (figuratively) somewhere, and suddenly I realized that I didn't know where I was, where or why I was walking, or where the things I thought I was carrying were... Kinda like suddenly looking in your pocket and finding not the wallet you thought was there, but a smoothly polished rock...
drifter, coming in never touching down -- never leaving ground a twilight world in which we roam still we don't belong -- drift on - siouxsie and the banshees
I'm just at a complete loss just now to really explain things at all...
..or I blink and suddenly things have shifted - maybe time has past and I didn't know, or the colors just seem off somehow - and I don't remember them chaning and I don't know why they have and I feel I should be concerned about it, but I'm not because I'm numb or dead inside somwhere and something's just off...
I come and go in this in phases and stages, but lately, I don't feel it coming and it sorta seeps over me like the inevitable tide rolling in under the cover of the dark hours of the night.
It's effecting everything too - the once near constant things I'd see or hear are seemingly gone, though now I'm startled all the time and odd moments by things which are like the spirits of old I've grown used to, but not. It's suddenly just wrong and weird and uncomfortable somehow. I feel like I'm not myself anymore and that the things I speak of are someone else's thoughts and memories.
Is this a plauge of the soul? Or some dark misma overshadowing the world? Do other people feel this way or is this (seemingly pathetic) attempt to force myself into speaking about it, just something in my mind, leaving me in some debilitating, perpetual catatonia that I dismiss as a mood swing...?
I don't know. But I hope we're here as well. Both now and later when - if? - this quicksand of the soul leaves.
Had a nice day yesterday just my Love and I hanging out. Most days (weekday and weekend, we have our friends over. Our apartment is Grand Central Station normally). We made a point though to take time just for ourselves since we really don't get to spend time together and we're both noticing that and the distance and strain it's been putting on the relationship. We've decided to make sure we dedicate more time just one-on-one.
Don't know what the deal is with the car. We filled the radiator with antifreeze (took a whole container - don't know why it was so low, must have a leak somewhere) and we managed to run to the store and such without problem. Somewhere along the way, we must have a leak in a hose, the water pump might be going, or the cap's leaking fluid. Apparently we need to get a pressure test to track the flow of the fluid and see if it's escaping anywhere, but that's just going to have to wait (like a month.) We're tapped out now, and the next paycheck doesn't come until March 7th and that goes all towards rent (which is due on the 4th, so don't ask me how we're going to avoid the $100 in late fees since we can't pay it on the 4th). So, it's roll the dice, drive over two hours away on Saturday (for my Love's cousin's wedding) and hope we don't break down somewhere (without a cell phone or anything since we don't have one).
*sigh*
Tonight, we're having people over - my friend Rand and my Love are playing on the GameCube right now - and I'm in the middle of making a necklace so I'm going to go. I just wanted to post an entry since my network went down an hour or so ago when I was originally going to write something and I just got it back up now. Stupid computers. Not much else to report.
