Nothing much to say. Haven't felt like posting. The days are kind of just going by, you know, the way they do whether or not you pay attention. My Love wasn't feeling good and called off so I spent the last couple days with him which was a nice change. Being around someone makes it easier for me to keep from sliding back into the crushing sadness. We went for ice cream Thursday night which was nice too. He's just a sweetheart. Someone gave me the name of a local place that I might be able to call to see someone for cheap - sliding scale kinda thing. Which is good because I just don't have money for anything, let alone something extra. We ended up getting behind again so we're like a check behind right now. It's making it even harder then normal. We won't be able to catch up until about the second week in August. He gets paid every two weeks and we have schedule of what comes out of the first and what comes out of the second check. Well, we got behind and now it's tighter then normal until we can get back ON schedule. We basically ended up having to pay rent on back-to-back checks and rent takes pretty much all of his check. Add to the fact last month we had to pay $100 extra because we were four days late and you can see how easy it is to be stuck megabroke. The thing right now is that I hope the phone company continues to forget about disconnecting the phone - we got the final day to pay notice dated July 16th, but *knock on wood* they've not disconnected yet. If they do, it'll be like a month before we'll be caught up enough to pay it and by then, we'll lose our phone number. (Which sucks because I have business cards printed up with my number). *sigh* And of course, if the phone goes off, then there's definatly no way I can call about seeing someone to talk to. I hate money. I hate the fact that such pathetic amounts can cripple me. Like the phone bill. We're $150.42 behind plus the next bill came in. So for like $200 total, we're going to lose it. That's just stupid. I hate that some people can spend more then that on a pair of shoes and I don't even have it to pay for a utility. I'm depressed in part because we can't survive but because I'm depressed I can't function enough to look for a real job, let alone hold one down. I just can't even seriously think about pulling the 8am - 5pm plus drive there and back schedule without seriously feeling like I'm going to vomit. It makes my head hurt and causes this horrible pressure in my chest. I can't even describe it. It's like someone who was attacked by a horrible, vicious dog who now can't even think about Lassie without a near panick attack. I think I might be able to do part-time - like a four hour day kinda schedule - but I can't find ANYTHING around here that's "real" work (not a minimum wage crap job that will make me feel worse about myself and my situation, not better AND not pay a single bill). Those I do are over an hour commute one-way away and with one car and for only part-time, I can't do it. It'd cost me more then I was making. I swear I should just tattoo "damned if I do; damned if I don't" across my forehead. It seems to be my life's motto...
Anyway, I should go get dressed. Our friend Rand's coming over. I think we're going to go out to look for a big screen TV for his new house today. Vicarious shopping. How sad. That's all for now.
My mom pisses me off to no fucking end. She has no class or taste in the slightest. And she certainly doesn't know when to just shut the fuck up.
Her mother goes up north over the summer. And my mom called me on Monday to call her Monday or Tuesday night to say bye to her. Well I didn't. I wasn't trying to be coldhearted, I just wasn't thinking about her. I've been just a smidge occupied lately. So, the phone is being turned off. Today was the last day to make $150.42 payment. Don't have it. So my Love suggests I call my mom today to let her know. Against my better judgement I do - thinking this way it will stop her from just showing up at my doorstep, convinced I'm dead or something. The conversation goes like this:
me: hey mom.
her: hey honey. did you call nanny? (what we call my grandmother)
me: *sigh* no, mom I didn't. Look, I don't want to get into it, I'm just calling to let you know that my phone will be disconnected and I don't know when it will be back on.
her: (outraged) why didn't you call her!? Did you forget? You forgot didn't you!
me: mom, no I didn't forget. Just drop it ok, I don't want to get into it.
her: I can't believe you didn't call her
me: mom! Look, ok, I'm depressed. Leave me alone. I don't want to get into it.
her: About the phone bill....? I don't understand what being depressed has to do with it.
me: (crying and yelling at this point) no mom, in general. I hate life and I'm severly depressed just stop it already
her: what does being depressed have to do with it? Why didn't you just pick up the....
me: (yelling) NEVERMIND! I DIDN'T CALL FOR THIS I JUST CALLED TO LET YOU KNOW YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO CALL ME. LOVE YOU MOM, BYE.
-- I hung up. --
So then mrs fucking tact herself writes me one of her infamous guilt emails that goes on and on about how I just need to get a job and ride the bus and blah blah blah. No you dumb fucking bitch, I DON'T just need a job - I'm FUCKING DEPRESSED. Getting a job isn't going to make that go away. I'm not emotionally stable to handle my life right now, you think that some piss fucking $5/hr job will make it all the much better? Especially when I'm worth so much more then that with my experience and knowledge alone? Oh yeah, I'll feel so much more "self respect" as the fucking fry cook at McDonalds (oh, no, there's nothing "wrong" with demoting yourself to that point when you're 26 fucking years old and made more in a month then they do a year), no, not at all. That'll perk me right up. Then she goes on to insult me saying how when I was in high school I was a "dynamo" and went to school and worked and how now I'm just a loser. Thank a lot mom. It's berate, berate, berate. Fucking guilt trip from hell. She goes on how I'm being selfish because I won't think of my Love - how dare I say I love him when I won't think about him. Oh fuck off. I can't stand her some times. I can't take this kind of bullshit in my inbox and on my voicemail. She just doesn't fucking know when to quit. She doesn't grasp that HER WORDS make me feel worse, that her fucking emails are salt in my wounds and when I say FUCKING DROP IT, I mean don't continue to fucking go on and on about it. ARG.
I cried for hours today. I also talked with a friend online for hours. I'm not sure I feel better, but I definately feel spent. My Love's walking in the door and I just want to lay down for a little while, not really talk to anyone and try to rest.
Everytime I get into a funk, it goes deeper and deeper. Each time I hit a new low point in my life and my moods, I think I've gone as far down as I can. Then it gets worse. I feel like I'm so far down a hole that it's closed in over me; that I'm trapped in a sufficating tunnel with no opening anymore. I'm so sick of people telling me that my feelings are wrong, or that other people have it worse, or that I'm just exaggerating. I'm sick to death of people telling me that things will just fucking magically get better and that it's all ok. No it's fucking not. And you know what? I don't personally care if some people have worse situations. It doesn't invalidate my own feelings one iota nor does it make me feel any better. My feelings are just as valid and I utterly hate my life. I hate feeling this way. I hate waking up. I don't want to do it anymore. I hate the reflection in the mirror. I hate the fucking SAMENESS of it all and the fact it only ever hurts more rather then less. I hate that I can't take joy from life anymore and I hate that I have to pretend to live in these moments as if I actually wanted to, or as if I actually felt something other then this pain. I hate the fact that in a couple hours I'll want to come back here and delete this and even if I don't, when people try to comfort me with their empty words, I'll pass it off as a momentary fit. Because I always do. I don't need distracting from my feelings - because the distraction only lasts fleeting seconds until the pain comes crashing back even worse - I need to be freed from my feelings. I need to either go numb and finally escape this constant suffering or I need it to die. I can't just keep feeling this way and I can't even put into words all the ways it hurts nor why it feels the way it does. I hate myself and I hate everything about me. I think it's all a sad, cosmic joke and I'm the only one not laughing. I feel like everything is burrying me deeper and deeper but I just won't fucking die.
blah blah blah. I've been thinking I need to write an entry for a couple days now but.... the inspiration and motivation just haven't been there. I had to force myself to do this one as it is.
Saturday the rain didn't let up and my stomach decided it hated me (it does that often; it's not happy and has hated me pretty much all of my life) and so we couldn't go even if we wanted to get soaked (which we didn't). Ended up being a rather boring night.
Sunday my Love ran around for a few hours trying to see his grandmother for her birthday but no one was home and he ended up having to come back after wasting a lot of gas for nothing. After that we were going to hit a 4:30pm showing of League of Extraordinary long movie title, but we didn't have time to really make it (you need to get to the theater an hour early - and more if it's a big night - to get a decent seat) so we planned to hit the 6:45pm show.
The old man behind me kicked my chair for two hours. I wanted to flay him. The movie itself was actually decent, although I really hated the dizzy/twitchy/blairwitch-esque camera motions they used in the fight scenes. First off, it's damned hard to tell what the hell is going on when it's all fast and jittery and second, it's hard on the eyes. Ugh...damned urpy cam. Mina was by far the coolest in the movie though there wasn't much of her. In fact, the thing that was the worst about the film was there were too many "main" characters and not enough for them all to do, so many just ended up being there as props and interesting scenery. The movie times listing said the movie was 2 hours, 24 minutes, but that's not right as the movie started at 7pm (15 minutes of previews with very little looking interesting among them) and we were walking out at 8:45pm. *shrugs* (Upon searching further, I've discovered no one exactly knows the running time: 107 minutes, 110 mins., 100 minutes, 112 mins. Oh well, I don't feel so bad now)
Today..ugh...today it poured again. And the lightning storms were so bad I had to shut my pc off for a number of hours this afternoon. The thunder shook the building over and over all day long. I talked to my mom (who's only like 20 minutes north of me) and it didn't rain a drop by her. It finally let up around dinner, but is right back to being a downpour outside again now. What stinks is that I've been wanting to go out to the beach since Solstice and every weekend when I say, ok, that's it! Tonight I am going out there....it pours and I can't. I know it's not helping my mood lately - I've been so bored and restless and disconnected - three things that are clear signs I need to get out and reconnect. *le sigh*
Made a couple necklaces today. One of them was just a redo of a design I had made and mailed to a friend as a gift but the other was a new design. I think it came out really cool. It's all purples and stuff. Aw hell, I got nothing pressing my time, I'm going to take a pic (not that the pics come out even a fraction of the quality of the peice - for that I need a scanner - but it'll give an idea anyway).
It's very purplely (though it looked pinkish in most of the pics I tried to take)
