The sky seems to have opened up in a loud rumble of lighting and thunder and the pelting of a hard rain. Yesterday, it was the same, only by the late afternoon, the sun had come back out and without the sodden ground, there was no sign of the downpour that had occured. I wonder if today will be the same. I desperately wish to get out to the beach - a goal I've been shooting for since Solstice; a month ago now. In my closed little room like a cave, the rain sounds monsterously large - though at the same time, it tries to lull me back into my bed. There is something wonderful about sleeping to the sound of rain.

Off to feed the feline. Poor Mika is simply melting away to nothing out there in the living room. *chuckles*

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/25/2003 12:59:59 PM ~ ~

Ok, I got the email that my plan's been upgraded. I now have this. I also downloaded MT and had my Love print up like 90 pages of MT manuals, MT installation info and MT general help files (at work he has a laser printer). I'm going to sit down and try to read through some of it. I also need to try to figure out how to make a template in css. Up until now, I've only added css for things like handling text - removing underlines on links, etc. - I've never actually designed with it. I might need to get a book this weekend. (Yes, I like tangible, printed things when learning something. It's nice to have something in your hands to read when you're learning something) I also need to figure out what to do about the location of the MT...do I want to add a subdomain that will move forward with the new entries and keep files seperate so there's less confusion with adding all the new system and then just set up a redirect for /journal to point to the subdomain....or do I want to leave it where it is and mix the blogger archives in with the new stuff.... Hrm. Either way it's a lot of work, but I'm thinking a clean slate might be better. I just need to figure out what I want to use for the subdomain if that's what I chose. I don't think I just want to change the directory name, though that would work as well I suppose. Ugh. Thoughts. I'm going to try though and if {when} it crashes on me, I'll beg one of my friends who HAVE managed to get the damned thing going to help me with it. First things first, I'm going to read through some of it to get a better idea what the heck it is. Then I need a template. So....it might be a couple days before there's any progress but I will be working on it. Not right now though, I've had a damned headache all day.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/23/2003 07:51:37 PM ~ ~

Ooh. This is for the West Wing fans out there. Bravo will be rerunning The West Wing beginning August 11th

Kick starts with a West Wing themed weekend:

Sunday, August 10 - Mini Marathon (The actual "West Wing" episodes for the Weekend) Eastern Times
11 am - The West Wing pilot
noon - "Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc"
1 pm - "A Proportional Response"
2 pm - "Five Votes Down"
3 pm - "The Crackpots and These Women"
4 pm - "Mr Willis of Ohio"
5 pm - The West Wing Special Episode

And moves into the daily schedule as listed:

"Episodes are then scheduled to run Monday through Thursday (the same episode three times a day - 11:00/10:00c a.m., 7:00/6:00c p.m. and 11:00/10:00c p.m.) beginning Monday, August 11. A mini-marathon of that week's four episodes will then air every Sunday from noon-4 p.m. eastern."

Seeing as The West Wing is only available on dvd for the UK audience, this would be a great time for anyone here in the States with digital recorders and/or a dvd burner on their pc (just need a tv tuner to save them to your harddrive) to get episodes of the best show on tv.

pokes entry since it says it posted, but it's not showing up

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/23/2003 06:57:39 PM ~ ~

Just a plug...

Sega Cd: LUNAR THE SILVER STAR

It's a classic roleplaying game. If there are any old school platform gamers out there, I'm in the process of selling off some of my old games on ebay. This is the one I'm currently offering. It's going for $19.99 at the moment - a steal. I've seen this game close for between $45-70 before!

There are pc emulators for sega cd out there for those who might be fans of the series but never had a sega cd, or those (like me) who's sega cd never worked right. This link is limited, so eventually, it will not work. The auction will end in a little over three days.

Happy Bidding.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/23/2003 04:29:16 PM ~ ~

Ok, I moved the entry that was being eaten by a glitch into the the entry from the 21st. This way it won't get lost. So, until I can get set up differently, at least I can make entries. It's a bandage job to be sure, but... it's at least a bandage.

I put in a request to my host to upgrade my plan. I didn't have anything - not even cgi which is why the feedback is hosted off another domain - and even though I didn't really want to spend $28.50/3 months rather then $14.50/3 months ($10 a month now versus $5/month with a discount for paying quarterly), I've long been hindered by what I could do without access to anything like cgi, perl, php, etc. Not that I know how to use any of it, but still. Most everything - even comment systems - requires one or the other.

That's it for now. Didn't really feel like posting, just wanted to test out the idea for a patch fix I came up with. More maybe later.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/23/2003 12:01:02 PM ~ ~

Well fuck. Blogger is eating one of my posts. And I don't know if this is a new "dano" (crapo) problem or not, but at the moment, it leaves me unable to post entries because it will push off the entry two below this one into oblivion. It's not recognizing it as being on the archive, so when it falls off the main page, it won't be there on the weekly archive.

This is my trouble report, but they don't do shit for you and won't even think of trying to actually help.

The entry I made 7/20/2003 @ 01:04:41 pm http://www.giveneyestosee.com/journal/2003_07_20_archive.html#105872068184259108

is showing up just fine on the current page.
http://www.giveneyestosee.com/journal/

However, when you click that week's archive http://www.giveneyestosee.com/journal/2003_07_20_archive.html
or the entry's URL, THAT ENTRY IS MISSING. It ONLY shows the FOLLOWING entry from 7/21/2003 @ 01:25:38 AM

http://www.giveneyestosee.com/journal/2003_07_20_archive.html#105876513826098239

THIS MEANS IF I POST ENOUGH TO PUSH IT OFF THE MAIN PAGE, THIS ENTRY WILL BE LOST PERMANTLY.

I have attempted to use the asinine "republish entire site" (since the VERY USEFUL ability to only republish *specific* weeks of archive is no longer an option) but it says "Transfer Error (details)" but will not bring up any details when I try to click on the details. I assume it has to do with the fact I have been using blogger for about two years and have amassed a LOT of archives in that time.

THIS IS URGENT. I do not know how many other entries were "lost" upon rolling from current to archive, but I know this one WILL be lost if nothing is done. HELP! I effectly can not use my journal at this point until there is resolution.

Now I'm fucking screwed because I don't have a journal. My plan doesn't include php and sql and whatever the fuck you need to run MT, not to mention I am just flat-out too stupid to set it up. I simply can't do it. I also can't design a CSS only template. I've tried and I just don't get that either. I just stick with blogger because it's all I know how to do. Fuck I hate this. I hate being so fucking useless!

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/22/2003 01:05:56 AM ~ ~

Our friend Rand treated my Love and I to see Bad Boys II this afternoon. A review is quite simple: Very minimal plot, a little too much spinning-in-circles and odd-ass camera angles that made me a bit urpy, but very entertaining 2 hours and 15 minutes of watching SHIT BLOW UP. (in massive and cool "woah!" ways). Not a good movie as storylines go, but very entertaining if you like a lot of WAY over the top action/car chases/shooting/crashing/houses blowing up kinda thing with some funny jokes tossed in the mix. The only real complaint I had was that it felt too long (and it is quite long, coming in at about 2 hours, 15 minutes by my unofficial estimate). That's a bit much for a movie that's just one action sequence into another, you know? If you can appreciate a movie that's just entertaining for the sake of being entertaining and don't require Oscar-winning premise, then it's worth your time.

After that, we swung by Best Buy and he thinks he found the tv he wants, but didn't buy it because the sales guy there was a jerk. He kept badmouthing Sony even after Rand expressed that he was quite interested in the tv and that two different consumer reporting sites gave the model very strong marks. He kept repeating over and over that he didn't like it and was trying to push towards a Mitsubishi instead. (Can you say SPIFS anyone? Just because they don't work on commission, doesn't mean they don't get told to push certain models/brands.) Poor Rand though is now in his new house, but doesn't have a tv in there, or his computer set up yet. Kinda boring to be in a house without a tv (as in none; he doesn't have one set up at all) or a computer.

Beyond all that, I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who's come out of the woodwork (you guys all read my journal? Wow. *blushes* An audience - go figure!) to give your support in the journal feedback. This whole depression thing - understanding it, learning about it, trying to come to terms with it and also trying to figure out how to [perhaps finally] look for ways to get better - has been painful to wade through. But it's cool to know that there are others out there who "get" it and who understand at least a little what this is all like. So...thanks. At a time like this when I'm feeling very estranged from my family at the same time I'm trying to decide whether or not I need to break ties for my own betterment and health, it's especially helpful to have other people around - even if it's just through a comment. Makes me feel a little less alone and a little less isolated. If anyone wants to talk, you're welcome to drop me an email - the inbox is always open. me (at) giveneyestosee (dot) com

Well, Love's going to be heading to bed soon, so I think I'll wrap up for the night.

inserting previous day's entry here since it was being eaten by a glitch




So I've been reading up a bit on different things about depression online. And some of it I thought I would share.

Signs of Depression: Five or more lasting at least two weeks
*Persistent sad, anxious, numb, or "empty" mood
*Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, guilt
*Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
*Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that you once enjoyed
*Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
*Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down" or feeling sluggish
*Increased appetite with weight gain, or decreased appetite with weight loss
*Thoughts of self-injury, or attempting to injure yourself
*Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts
*Restlessness, irritability, nervousness
*Difficulty concentrating, remembering things, or making decisions
*Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, backaches, etc.

Pretty much all of them with the exception of suicide attempts apply. And to be honest, when I try to really sit and think for how long I've felt this way, I can't really remember a time when I didn't. I fantasize in my head of a time when I was honestly and truly happy, but I can't put a date to it; I think it's more a sad longing for something that never really was, as opposed to something I once had. When I look back, I think I've spent most of my life in one form or another of depression. That's sad. And wrong. I think I got too much of the "oh, just cheer up" feedback growing up and I never had a chance to really address my feelings and deal with this ball-and-chain sorrow of mine. Which leads me to my next thing to share...

Things you should NOT say to a person who is depressed:
* "You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear."
* "But it's all in your mind."
* "As you get stronger you won't have to wallow in it as much."
* "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."
* "Do you feel better now?" (Usually said following a five minute conversation in which the speaker has asked me "what's wrong?" and "would you like to talk about it?" with the best of intentions, but absolutely no understanding of depression as anything but an irrational sadness.)
* "Why don't you just grow up?"
* "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
* "There are a lot of people worse off than you."
* "It's a beautiful day!"
* "What do you have to be depressed about?"
* "Happiness is a choice"
* "Maybe you should take vitamins for your stress."
* "Lighten up!"
* "Why can't you just be normal?"
* "Oh come on now, things aren't *that* bad"
* "You need to get out more."
* "Take a hot bath. That's what I always do when I'm upset."
* "Well, everyone gets depressed sometimes!"
* "You never think of anyone but yourself."
* "You're just looking for attention."
* "Have you got PMS?"
* "Why don't you smile more?"
* "The only one you're hurting is yourself."
* "You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it."
* "You brought it on yourself"
* "Snap out of it, will you?"
* "You *want* to feel this way."
* "You have no reason to feel this way."
* "Its your own fault."
* "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
* "Just don't think about it."
* "Just try a little harder!"
* "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."
* "Just pull yourself together"
* "Oh, perk up!"
* "Try not being so depressed."
* "Quit whining. Go out and get a job and you won't have time to brood..."
* "You don't like feeling that way? So, change it."
* "I want the old (Insert name) back. I don't like the way you are now."
* "Why don't you just get a part time job: you would feel so much better."
* "I know others who have overcome the same illness and they are holding down jobs: so what's holding you up?"
* "Keep your chin up!"
* "You're just being immature."
* "You are your own worst enemy."
* "That is life, you have to get used to it."
* "My life isn't fun either."
* "Maybe it's because of your diet."
* "A walk always cheers me up."

What not to say
Well-meant comments like 'you can't be sad, you've everything to live for' and crass ones such as 'pull yourself together' and 'snap out of it' are totally unhelpful. A depressed person does not have the ability to 'snap out of it'. Nobody chooses to be depressed or gains anything from the symptoms, and if they only could just 'snap out of it' they certainly would. Sensitivity and patience are paramount.

Many of these have come out of my mother's mouth almost identical as listed. Things like "it's just in your mind" and "just feel better" or "just get a job and you'll be happy again." All that crap that doesn't do a thing to make me feel better, just belittles the reality and the depth of the situation and shows just how little she really understands what depression is. So what is it really?

What Is Depression?
A depressive disorder, or depressive illness, is a whole-body illness, involving your body, mood and thoughts. It affects the way you eat and sleep, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you think about things. A depressive disorder is not a passing blue mood. People with a depressive illness cannot merely pull themselves together, or snap out of it and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months or years.

Depression is an illness. It's not just made up, it's not just someone who has a bad day. It effects everything from your mood to your outlook on life, to how you feel physically to how much you eat and sleep. When I find myself struggling to complete simple tasks because I'm tired and distracted and don't have the focus to follow-through, that's depression. When I can't fall asleep until I'm dead tired and then sleep for ten hours, that's depression. When I pick at my food and eat less then a child per day, that's depression. All these things are like eye-openers to me. It's realizing that things are the way they are because of how I am; because I'm sick in a way I didn't fully understand. A sickness that's stronger and more debilitating then I thought.

So...what to do about it? Well, if my phone is still on I'm going to try to call the local place that a friend left the name of. I'm really, really going to try. It's hard though. I don't know if I can make the call. Part of me almost hopes that the phone is off so that I have an excuse not to call. That might be hard to understand, but it's how I feel. I just know that this will be a long, uphill struggle and as hard as it is to believe, I just don't want to struggle. What I really want is to sink into a dark oblivian, so having to face a fight is painful. Another problem is that I don't want to be medicated in order to be made better. I don't do medication of any kind, so I want to go the longer, but I personally think more fulfilling route of trying to work through it by talking with someone. I realize that there is no reason to be shamed by depression and I also realize that anti-depressants do help the majority of people regain brain chemical balances, but....I also know that for me, it's not the right choice. I do not respond well to any medication I've ever taken and I have horrible times with side-effects even for normal things like antibiotics. I'm not looking for a bandage. There's too much inside that I need to work through before I can get over this. Medication may make the symptoms go away quicker, but it won't remove the reasons that they begin the in first place. I want a cure, not a patch job. I know that I can get better with help. And it's a goal worth shooting for. I just don't know if I can take the first step and make the call. *deep breath*

Anyway, here's info on getting help yourself:

How To Get Help
Call the National Foundation for Depressive Illness, Inc., 1-800-248-4344, for up-to-date information on Depression and Manic Depression, for nationwide referral lists of university medical centers and physicians who specialize in the treatment of Depressive Illness, and for patient support groups.

Some sources for further reading: WedMD Center for Depression, Depression @lliance Online (UK site), Depression @ About, National Insitute of Mental Health. There's plenty more with a quick google search.

Just some info and some personal thoughts on it all. That's it for now.

note: my server's ftp access is apparently down as I try to post this. So, it's now like 1:05pm, but this entry probably won't get uploaded until after I go take a shower and hope the ftp has come back up. Ok, it's up.

:: so says Memory and Dream at 7/20/2003 01:04:41 PM :: speak to me ::

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/21/2003 01:25:38 AM ~ ~

.. this entry was being eaten by a glitch. So I've merged it with another entry to preserve it...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/20/2003 01:04:41 PM ~ ~