Alrighty then... four refreshes later and I finally get ALL the interface for blogger. First no publish buttons, then publish buttons but no text area, then text area but no post area...etc. Weirdness.
Not much to say. Head still hellish. Getting really frustrated and feeling really hopeless. It's just been so long since I've been able to sleep properly and since I could think straight. My brain is on major slowdown - everything taking so much effort just to keep up a conversation or follow-through a train of thought. Ugh, I just can't take much more of this...
In lieu of any actual entry (since I'm having a damned hard time being cohesive enough to write things), I'm going to post a pic I took which thought came out neat. It's a package of gel pens as seen from above.
colorful.
please let tonight be the night I actually sleep...
So, to preface, as noted in the post below the lack of posts was not truly a lack of posts but rather an inability to post while my webhost switched servers. Path changes, DNS changes, caches, IP changes - all of that has caused an intermitent ability to actually access my content, let alone make new content changes. For now though, the majority of the waves should pass and people should once again be able to access the site. On to the actual entry...
I've been plauged with an inability to sleep properly lately. I simply find myself unable - utterly - to fall alseep. 2am, 3am, 4am, sometimes 5am I'm still awake, just waiting for some signal that my body will finally give up and be tired enough for sleep. This has been going on the better part of two weeks now. My sleep isn't troubled with bad dreams I don't think - for I've really lost touch with any clue what my dreams are; they are instantly gone the moment I wake up - but I am tossing and waking (startling awake many times) and from all that (or because of that), I wind up with a sore neck and a headache then for the rest of the day. I'm still sleeping the same number of hours and even sometimes if my headaches get bad enough, I lay down for a short nap to try to escape them, but these continual headaches and bad nights of insomina are driving on me. I don't know what to do.
Add to all of that today's looming date. It's October 22nd. Six months ago today I had to put Kush-ka to sleep. I still mourn and miss him so very much. It seems it was a moment ago that he was still here; I can't fathom he's been out of my life already for this long. So, I've been sad lately, thinking of how much closer this way was coming. It seems like I should do something; some symbol that I miss him and that I've not forgotten how important he was in my life; but I don't know what. Kush was family for a lot longer - and in a lot more ways - then almost anyone else in my life. I know he was sent by Her for me to have something good in my life and some days I miss that. Yes of course, I have a new animal companion in my life - the every silly Mika who is, to say the least, the exact opposite in her loudness, hyperness and general silliness then Kush ever way - but it doesn't make me miss him any less. I still cry when I think of him being gone and how much I still miss him. I had wanted to go out to the beach tonight - sort of my "sacred place" with which to gather myself and speak of sorts with the Divine - but pending my head, I don't know if I'll be able to. Though it's important to me and I hope I can.
In less tearful news, things went amazingly well with the selling of the horns. I'm so excited about that - I never thought it would do so well as it did. Truly. That money is such a help and is so needed. I feel proud that so many people wanted something I made with my own hands. I feel artsy and slightly validated because people were willing to buy what I made. All but one of the pairs I had listed on ebay sold (and that pair is relisted here for anyone interested), plus several pairs which people either commissioned or liked when I showed them as other peices I made. In all, I sold... a copper twist pair (ebay) two red twist pairs (ebay) a blue twist pair (ebay) a purple twist pair (commissioned) a purple and white twist pair (bought direct) a purple devil horn pair (commissioned) a pink satyr curl pair (ebay) a glow in the dark pair (ebay) two granite stone pairs (1 ebay/1 commission) a red/gold twist pair (bought direct)
and I have a copper devil pair, a silver devil pair, and one more pink satyr curl pair left over. Pale Pink Faerie (Fairy)/Satyr Horns - Ready and Available NOW! ($13.00 + $5.00 priority mail shipping)
Metallic Silver Devil Horns - Ready and Available NOW! ($10.00 + $5.00 priority mail shipping)
Anyway.... that's enough for now. My head hurts (still) so I'm going to stop staring at the monitor. Ta for now.
Let's test this now.... apparently drak.net (my web host) moved servers and everything's a bit wonky. Has been for days. Haven't been able to post. I guess the path had changed now for some reason and despite the idea that the old paths should work, it didn't appear that was the case afterall.
I feel this compulsion upon me; as if there was some great words of import to preserve upon this forum...its as if there is a mass of words just simmering to boil below the surface; waiting for release. Something of profound importance and deep, enlightened insight. Though I can't grasp that which bubbles so near and yet so far away. Words...spinning on the edge of awareness; like a fleeting star shooting across the night sky, so fast you can't truly take it in, though somehow, you know inside that the moment has forever altered you in some way; that, from here on out things will never be exactly the same. Fingers dancing along keys, forming words I read as they appear - headlong and thoughtless to what they say. Something waits; something is; something wants to bloom from the inner core of my being. It's Autumn and the world slowly prepares for sleep but this is a frenzied change and feeling of forthcoming, though what is forecasted is obscured from my sight. Words, words words...hollow and vague, they riddle and skirt the edges of understanding and float idally along the edges where they should instead carry weight and bearing. I had planned merely to check my site prior to sleeping - realizing that it is again so much later then it should be and that once again (as has become all too common) I find myself awake and unable to give in to the welcoming arms of darkness and slumber - and instead a pressure to open a blank screen and write overwhlems me instead. There seems to be at times like this such potential; such power lurking where I can feel it and yet not claim or know it fully. It is times as this when I feel the weight of reality and existance and struggle to claw my way to the surface again that I might touch once more the distant sky. It presses on me; it pushes me down and yet this unseen and unknown assailant has no true name - none which I can call upon or fight against. It's there though and yet at times I feel the shackles strain as if skybound and knowledge known can I be again. So close and yet so distant. Thus these churnings in my mind which make no sense and take no tangible form, leaving seemingly meaningless words and lines to fill the screen, saying nothing and everything in their singular way.
What is it that I feel? What moves and compells me in directions I can not see nor fathom? These shifting sands, like quicksand under my feet; this dance I do to be all the people that I feel I am - or rather, should be - these hats I wear and these changes I see when my image mirrors back to my sight... it's figments and fragments and some how, somewhere there is more to know and more that I can not grasp. And then my Muse swarms on me and fills my head with such words as this; babbling out incoherant mutterings like the ravings of the mad. She comes to me and I hear Her - the Voice I once knew so well - though I can't understand it anymore and it's beyond who I am now. This shouldn't be though; there's somethign wrong and missing - a connection which has gone dead where live should flow and flourish.
I don't know what I say... I don't understand what I write. It just pours out of me and brings on the long-overdue weariness so vital to slumber. These dark and empty nights offering no real resolve and little shelter stretch before me like a vast mouth ready to swallow me whole. I both run from and to this place beyond the waking - seeking solace and comfort and freedom at the same time oblivian and release. It taunts me though, lurking where I can not find it and hiding where it can't be seen. Such ramblings come upon such wingbeats of purpose and lashes of air.
I wonder if even this will post. It seems the entry prior never did, so these meaningless words might end up gone and void like the empty place within from which they sprung, still born with so much lost potential...it is late and I do not wish to do this any longer though there seems to ceasing my hands as they dance the keys before me. There seems no end to this outpouring of words and fragmented thought...concepts which have no true essance, just shadows of what might be or what should have been. My palms sweat and stick uncomfortably to the keyboard and the sound of my Love in slumber behind me becons me to join him. Though I feel so alone and isolated, it seems an empty promise at this dark peice of night; a time when all else is gone and it seems I alone stalk these lonely places. Promises of so much which seems so far removed from where I am now.
Enough already. I wish to stop. Heavy do I feel and I can only hope that swiftly will sleep come to be; that I can receive her gift and fly through dreams of light and cheer to dispell this looming darkness and heavy weighted pressure I feel as one does the shift in the air just before the onset of a storm. Light and cheer my way o gracious ones; grant me such a boon as this that I might rest truly and deeply in your gentle embrace. Away! Away! And come the sun's touch of light, I shall look at this and wonder what ever was I thinking and from where did such words emerge? Surely I was overtired, I'll say; and surely it was mere fantasy as I plodded through the lines. Though someplace, deep within, where the Light does not seem to touch anymore, the warning will lay still; again quiet for a time before gnawing from within again; forcing such things that I do not yet comprhend to the fore.
So, let's see...Saturday we spent the day running around, hitting tons of stores and getting caught up on all kinds of things we needed (like laundry detergent and shampoo, etc.) We hit the Super Target, two bookstores, Best Buy, the Michael's, PetSmart, Perkins for food, and some general meanderings. Afterwards my Love and friend Rand played some Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2003 and then we watched The Matrix: Reloaded on dvd.
Today (Sunday), we went to see the Titanic Exhibit over at MOSI. I had seen it a few years back at a different museum so I wasn't sure what to expect. It was actually quite different and had a lot of very interesting staging - like you could walk through a replica of the 1st class passenger hallways and also a 3rd class one. Also, they had the grand staircase recreated. In one room, they had a MASSIVE peice of the actual hull (something like 15 tons in weight), complete with portholes and what remained of the glass. Facinating. In that same room, they had a large block of ice. It was carved so you could slide your fingers into the grooves to feel just how cold the water would have been. It was brilliant and creepy in driving home the horror of being in that water. They had people dressed in costume and set in the different galleries. There wasn't as much actual stuff - not as many artifacts - from the time I saw it years ago, but the things they had were different, such as a case full of actual money from the bottom of the ocean. I had never known that banks were permitted to print their own money as "promissary notes" at that time. It wasn't until 1913 that the Federal Reserve Act was passed which made it so only the government could print and issue money. Supposedly, because of such wide-spread and therefore unreliable backing for the "money" Americans traveling in Europe simply couldn't use US currency.
The entire exhibit overall was quite interesting and well worth it, though it felt a little short to me. One cool thing they did was hand everyone a "boarding pass" upon entrance with the name and details of an actual passanger. At the end of the exhibit, you could look up your person's name and see if they lived or died. It was a nice addition that made it a little more personal.
*yawns*
That's about the sum of my weekend. There's one day left on pretty much all the remaining six pairs of horns for auction so feel free to go get your last minute bid in. :) And don't forget, I've made as many custom items as I have pre-made ones so that's always an option. Heading to bed for now, so night to all.
