I started writing a letter to a random person on px the last couple days. I really just sorta poured it out onto paper and I liked some of what I wrote so much that I didn't want to lose it completely. So I'm going to just copy it here as an entry and leave it at that.
Just now, for several minutes, I listened to a waomn here at my temp job bitching on and on about first one thing, then another. COmplaining that the woman who answered the phone when placing a flower order was in training and had to put her on hold six times in order to answer her querstions. Oh! Poor her! The injustice of it all that she - who's ordered a dozen times she stresses - should be forced to deal with a woman who didn't immediately know the answers because she's new. Say it isn't so?!
Puh-leeze.
Attitudes like that confound and depress me. Why do so many people find so many reasons to hate each other? Why do they spend so much time going so far out of their way to belittle and cause harm to others? All that wasted energy. All that lost potential. Why sour a soul when you can help it sing? Why supress good intenet when you can help it fly? Hell, if people would even just stop actively harming others, the world would be a better place! Perhaps it's the dreamer in me; the idealist. The one who can see kindness and prefers Light to Darkness. We surround ourselves in hatred and coat ourselves in negativity and we wonder why it's what we get back in return.
A silly movie, but one with a good point, "Bruce Almighty" has a part where god says, "Parting soup is a magic trick. A single mom working two jobs who still has time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teen who says no to drugs and yes to an education, that's a miracle. BE the miracle." And I get that. It clicks with me. I feel something when I hear that. I wonder if most do not or if they simply don't get it. Are they not listening or is there some vital part missing from their make-up? I don't know, but sometimes it seems like something was lost a long time ago. So long ago in fact, people don't remember they should be looking for it.
I've been feeling different lately. Like I'm changing or something. A fish out of water who, instead of dying, is slowly and painfully adapting. It's like something is coming in the world and I need to be ready to face it. I believe that I am here for a reason, though the specifics have always elluded me. I wonder if this reason is coming and that as time draws me closer, I'm changing to face what's ahead..... Does that sound egotistical to you? A stranger who's reading these words poured out in secret confession? I don't feel special so much as resigned to a fact I can't understand fully. It's like being born to a duty or responsibility; it's not a bragging point, it just is. Hrm...So I write to you, my near anonymous friend and ponder how they will find you and what you will make of them. Will they spark something in you? Will you think on them for a moment, but then allow the words to sink deep within where you don't really see them, but they tickle your mind anyway? Can this letter be a catalyst of sorts whereby you explore new concepts or possibilities. Or is tha tmy ego again...? *soft smile*
Just thought like sharing that. Almost out of here for the day.
Writing and keeping a journal of your thoughts has long been known to those who do as helpful emotionally, but now, a new study says that it's helpful physically as well.
Researchers once believed that the main benefits of writing were purely psychological. But there is new evidence of the health value of forming coherent stories out of the chaotic elements of your personal history. In the Journal of Clinical Psychology, James Pennebaker, Ph.D., and Janet Seagal, Ph.D., of the University of Texas at Austin, report that people who write about personal details are healthier than those who don't.
Pretty interesting read. So start writing people! It's good for your health!
Back after two days sick. Still not feeling well, but pushing through. And of course, my day wouldn't be complete without the Rude Bitch. Not only rude, but stupid. I mean, come one, this is her company, she should know what the hell something means. If a customer calls in needing his user id number because he wants to put in a new order (for tenent screening information) and I write on the message, needs user id for new order one would think that it would be understandable to even the most dense of lawn gnomes. Instead, I hear a shrill new order?! what the hell does that mean?! Damn, you are one STUPID mean, nasty bitch.
*sighs*
Only an hour to go today. Two days this week. One day next. Breath.....
Finally starting to feel better. A little more even; not such waves of sickness. I spent a lot of time yesterday dozing, having a headache from hell or being stuck ill in the bathroom. Ugh. What an unpleasant day. Add to it the fact that I didn't sleep worth a damn last night and that I woke up this morning getting ill again, I called in to give myself another day to really get over it. I am starting to feel more normal which is a great thing and I don't see any reason why I won't be well enough to go in tomorrow. Didn't want to have to stay home two days like this, but when you're sick, you're just sick. What can you do?
Anyway, having problems with the stupid phone company today. Had a number call us no less then a dozen times in three hours. It was an 800# with "blocked name" listed on the caller id. (It was 800-514-7490 for anyone searching for it - I couldn't find it listed on google - and it belongs to Verizon) I finally answered it around noon and it was an automated message telling me the service I ordered was active on my account. I didn't order any service. So I press "0" to speak to someone. I explain it to her and she says that there were changes made to my account today. She says that my voicemail, inside wire maintence and something else had been disconnected. (Though the message was that call restriction or something was ON not off) I asked her why the heck changes were made I didn't authorize. She said it was because when accounts get to a certain amount past due, they remove things. Then she gets confused because we're only $84 behind and it's less then two weeks overdue. She doesn't know why they'd do that when it was such a small amount. So she puts me on hold and eventually transfers me to the department that would know about that kind of thing. I sit on hold for over a half-an-hour and no one ever picks up. I finally give up in disgust, but now it seems they just up and decided to remove some services from my phone and damned if I know why. Stupid ass phone company is such a pain. It's not like I run up huge phone bills or whatever, it just so happened that I needed to wait until this upcoming check to make the payment rather then last week. We use zero long distance - ever - so it's not like there's some risk of us running up an even more massive bill and why the hell would they just up and decide we don't get our voicemail service anymore? It's not like you can use that to charge a ton of money to your account! Fucking idiots.
Anyway, I'm feeling better but I'm grumpy about shit like this. It's just stupid and when you can't even get them on the line to find out what the hell the deal is, it's even dumber. I hate this time of year because it's always a big mess with money and things just always suck ass. We haven't bought present one for anyone, let alone for each other. Ugh. Fucking holidays. Like we need the damned phone company giving us hell on top of it.
Friday - picked up a tree, set it up to give Mika a chance to get used to it.
Saturday - Spent the day at a very ritzy mall with my Love and friend Rand. Got to try a sample of the ultra-exclusive G Collection by Godiva (by invitation only) Put our name on the waiting list for an order since they are only available in like eight places around the country and were supposed to run through Valentine's day, but are already selling out. Luxury? Certainly. But one of those once-in-a-lifetime kinda things that doubles as a great xmas gift! :)
Then we came home to get ready for my Love's company xmas party. It's a fancy afair down at one of the nice resorts on the beach. Well, turns out the city was having some kind of parade thingy and we sat for about 45 minutes in a parking lot, trying to reach the beach. We never made it. So, him in a suit, me in an evening dress, decided to head over to our favorite Chinese resturant and have some dinner. (By this time it was going on 8pm and there was supposed to be dinner at the party) We don't often get over there because it's kinda far from where we live. It was fun and silly being so overdressed, but we enjoyed ourselves anyway.
When we got home, my Love and I decorated the tree late into the night while watching Lilo and Stitch. It was a nice ending to a nice night.
Sunday - My Love and I spent the day together by ourselves, running out to pick up some kitty food, hitting Michael's and then the Super Target. We also stopped by Peir One and found a couple things that will make nice, but inexpensive gifts for xmas (we've not gotten anything and will pretty much be buying things the day before xmas since he gets paid the day after xmas and we'll need to write checks that, thanks to the holiday, won't clear until we can get the money in the account. Nothing like waiting until the last minute, but when you don't have anything to spend, that's the way you have to do it.
I wasn't feeling well last night though. To the point that my Love told me I looked ill and he suggested that I take the day off for Monday. He never suggests things like that, though he was right. I fell asleep on the couch at about midnight and he put me to bed shortly after.
Monday - I called in this morning and slept in until about 10am. Though, all day I've been dozing off and generally just not gfeeling up to par. My head's been pounding all day with this tight, constricting pressure around my skull, coming on so hard at moments that I have to stop and freeze because I feel like I'm going to collapse from it. It's not like a migraine, it's just something else and I don't know what it is. My pulse pounds in my head when this happens and I see flashes of blinding white light - as if a camera flash went off right in front of my face - which obscures everything else for a second and leaves an after-image just the same as a physical flash would. Though, there's no flash, I've been here alone all day and the light must be a trick of my eyes or brain. It's not pleasent, whatever it is and it's not helped me feel any better today. Everything is slightly off-kilter today or maybe I am, but either way, I'm not meshing in with the reality around me the way I normally do and the way that's natural. It's different then other times I've gone out of sync with reality - an odd, but re-occuring event which I've never been able to fully express in words - because this time, I feel different. I wonder if my body is attempting to adjust to these changes and it's causing my sickness. Hrm.
My stomach's been unhappy with me today as well which doesn't help with my overall feeling of being ill. I keep feeling like I want to sleep, but I've done that on-and-off all day today and it never makes me feel better. I don't know what would or when this malise will pass, but it feels - from here, at this moment in time - that it's on-going or longer term. I really feel like I'm attempting to adjust to a new environment but I've not moved or changed. I don't know though, something is definately happening and I have thoughts and hints as to what it is, though I'm hesitent to get into it here as it gets deep into thoughts on the nature of reality, what one would call magick, and the essance of existance. Lofty and complicated subjects that I can only grasp my personal understanding in small ways, which become near impossible to explain to another. I think though, that something is happening. And that this is only the beginning. I think I'm changing and that my scope of vision is changing as well. Things are out of focus now, but small sections seem to snap! almost physically into place. I've been drifting, but I don't think I'll have that luxury for much longer. Hrm...so much to say, so few words to say it and even fewer souls to understand.
Note: I started this last night, but never finished because I just wasn't feeling well... Feeling rather blah tonight. Kinda down too. Not for any specific reason, though there's some little things nagging at me (like dreading dealing with the rude woman again tomorrow. though my Love's awesome and said if she's rude, that I can, with his full blessings, politely tell her off and leave. he says there's no reason I should have to deal with someone talking down to me like I'm an idiot or have them be rude to me.) it's not really enough to cause this sudden funk. I had a pretty nice weekend and all...
