I really want to get the new theme up, but after working so hard on it and looking at it for so long, I'm not really happy with it. Though I tell myself I should put it up at least for a couple days while I work on something else. (Probably more traditional like a color change to the current layout.) It's just that I put in so much work and yet it feel short of what I wanted it to be and I simply lack the skills and talent to be able to improve upon it further. It's like I've stretched as far as I can and that's the best I can do, despite falling short of intent. Oh well. A long time ago I had the drive and ability to learn new things - taught myself html - but then, somewhere along the way I got lost in the shuffle and now I can't tell you thing one about how to design a page with css rather then tables, how to use php or perl or what the heck you even do with mysql. I feel so far behind so fast that I just can't keep up anymore. And so I gave up a long time ago on web design and instead just went for bland but functional content delivery (all the while watching people do these amazing things with their sites that I could never dream of achieving). Even when I try to do something bolder or more challenging (for me, not for a 12 year old making her first webpage *sighs*) I can't do it and it's just a failure. One of those reminders of how stupid I really am about these things and how lame I can be. I hate that feeling. And I hate when things remind me of that feeling, so I try to stop doing them. Damn me for that little voice which always tries to prompt me anyway, with what seems like good intention but always leads to another damned failure.
Anyway, I'm going to try to figure out how to finish the layout, try to upload it and leave it for a few days. It's sad when the best you can do just isn't all that great, but after all this work and my strong wish to have a spring-theme layout for the start of spring, I suppose it's better then nothing.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 3/19/2004 12:25:34 PM ~
~
