I thought I'd be alright today
Thought I'd be alive today
Give me your eyes, I'll show you things
You never dreamed you thought you'd see
I find myself in light I'd seen
In sleep sometimes or mescaline
And like the sun, you can't stare into
For too long without it blinding you
I thought this light would comfort me
I thought it would be easy
There's a tugging at my sleeve
And so much baggage I brought with me to leave
Something so big I can't understand
From trying to I would go mad
So I hurry back to little earth
For another life, another birth
Another life, another birth
-Toad the Wet Sprocket, Reincarnation Song
Ever get those nights were your head is full of thoughts on life, existence, reality? The border between life and death. What it means, why we're here, where the dividing lines form? I have this in my mind tonight. The animation of flesh. The fragility of ourselves and how we find so many more ways to snuff out that spark. The cause of that spark to being with; where it lives, comes from, contains. The difference between the living and the not; between animate and inanimate. Times like this I feel like I'm on the edge of something; the verge of some understanding. It's so close, I can taste it. The urge to push through that barrier, to understand, to know. It's so strong, it hurts. On moments of near revelation, you're alone and no one can share the tumbles of thoughts. So close, so close. It's like the realization of the question that needed to be asked, when all along I was mistakenly looking for the answer. I want to run, to sing, to scream to fly, to push outward onto the world and touch each part of it. The limits and confines of my mind and body are so small when I see that there is so much I can almost grasp. Do these moments happen to everyone? Do they touch the face of god? How many actually even reach out, let alone make that touch....is it me? Will I discover something? Will I understand? It's right there. I know it. I can feel it. But not in words and not in the material, though I feel it physically like I feel my heartbeat or my breath. It transends and I feel like I am on the edge of doing so myself. Manifesting something new, something old, something from before and something yet to come. How do you describe infinity? How do you explain potential? How can I put into words the way I feel in this moment so when it leaves me, I can still remember it and seek it again? Can I touch you with my words and bring you here, to this place, to this point, to this moment? Can I pull you along beside me and open your own eyes and soul to what I see is just outside me? It's so close. I am so near. If I Guide you, can I find it? If I help your path, can I follow my own? I tremble with it's pull; with the possibility. Those spaces inbetween...what was, what is, what will be. It's all one. The words manifest throug my fingers though they don't touch the surface, shimmering, shining before me. Are you ready for it? Am I? These moments....I need to something. It's falling into place, I just need that step, that key, that trigger. The understanding is somewhere within, I just need to find it. I need to accept it. It will change everything. Change the world. Times like this I almost understand it all, my place, my purpose, what it's all about. That moment, that breath inbetween this and the next. You can feel it. You can. It's yours as well, though someone had to show you. It's your gift, your birthright. You just didn't remember you lost it. So long ago, you forgot to even look for it anymore. I can give it back, return it. I just need to find it for you. And I'm right there. It's before me. I have only to close my hand to possess her... I stand before you and it, and this concept without a name or a voice, yet which sings within me the song of my soul, of my life, of being and purpose and reason. I feel it. I feel you and this place and I know that I can do it; I'm strong enough but I need to find it. It's like a dream where you're racing up the stairs and you know they end soon, you can't see it, but you know, you just know it's there. But you wake up before you climb the last step. Each time though, each dream, you get that much closer, that much nearer the top. I have entered that dream again. But it's coming awake and aware again. I forget, I hide. I leave it behind with dawn. But I remember now. How close I am. How soon I shall find it. And how quickly I can show you the way. I know tonight is not the night. It will fade and tomorrow I'll read this and wonder at what I was babbling. I'll be embarased because I'll think of what others will say; how they will react; how they'll assume I'm high or stoned or whatever. They'll pass it off as delusion and I'll retreat and apologize for it. I know it looms and I know this moment will wane. But right here, right now, it's with me. And I understand. I see it so close and so clear. It's right before me and I realize I will do it. That the rest is all distraction and process. It's window trappings.
I'm out of words. Not out, but the ones I want to say I already have. I want to keep saying them over and over to try to impart what they feel like to me onto you. How they mean and the depth they reach. I want to pour into them the glimpse I see right now so you too can feel it; so you can start to understand. They are part of me, they are myself given this form. Read them, feel them. Take from them this hope. This possibility. This potential. It's going to happen. I'm going to find it. And understand. And show you the way.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 6/27/2004 11:18:33 PM ~
~
