So we went around and looked at apartments today. Fell in love with two of them. Problem is that even with all the moving discounts that the various apartments were offering, everything is at least $100 more a month then we're paying now. And that's just fucking impossible. It's so frustrating. We found literally exactly what we want. It has a loft (which we need for Love's drafting table and two computer desks) and even a roman tub in the bathroom. These things are so beyond rare in this area, I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it is to find them both in one apartment. And in fact, we found TWO very similar and gorgeous, new and amazing loft apartments both in the same general area. And both are more then we can afford.
We don't want to move into another ghetto apartment complex. Dammit. I'm so sick of the bullshit we've endured. I want to live somewhere nice and decent; where people don't get arrested for drug dealing in front of you building; where convicts don't break down doors after being evicted; where your floors aren't sagging, you don't have people leaving their trash out for days in front of their doors and there's no weekend ritual of carrying passed out people up the stairs in front of your door. Is that really so much to ask for? Every complex over by us is 20+ years old. The buildings suck, they have no features, they are run-down and just craptacular. And they charge out the ass for them.
The apartments over by where my friend Rand lives are new - most built within the last 4 or 5 years. They have higher-scale tenents. They offer modern appliances and full-sized washers and dryers! They're beautifully kept and they have pools which aren't closed because of toxic bacteria and fecal matter. And we can't afford them. I don't want to move from this shithole right into another shithole just because there are no other places. But we also can't put ourselves out $100 more a month on rent plus take on the new bill of water (which is factored into our rent currently). We have times where we can barely get by with the rent we pay now. So there's no way we can do even more...
It's so hard. If we had two reliable vehicles then this wouldn't be as difficult. I could get a part-time job and even if it only paid $6/hour, then it might be the difference we need. Then we'd only have to worry about our shitty credit and trying to get approved (our problem last time we tried to move was the insane amount of security deposit they wanted). But with our car not only barely working, but dying, and with us looking to move further away from Love's work, it becomes an almost impossible task. I'm just so stuck. We're mired in a situation we can't get out of. Everything relies on something else before it can be improved but none of those are attainable for the same reason. It's endless circles - round and round we go spinning our wheels but never able to accomplish anything.
Dammit. It's all so disheartening. And my slightly improved mood and sunk back down to the point of deep sorrow again. It wasn't too many nights ago I sobbed for hours over the frustration of it all. How badly I just didn't want to live anymore; how I wished I were able to simply die. (I must note that the desire to die has been with me pretty much every day of my life. It's much different then being suicidal as I can not harm myself like that, nor do I want to. I simply don't want to live. It may be hard to understand but that's the best I can do.) I thought I had come out of it with the chance of moving on basically the complex's dime but now it feels like even with that kind of help it's never going to be. It's still out of reach and it floods those feelings of utter hopelessness forward again.
I'm just so tired of it all. Why can't I have something nice in my life? Why can't we just find a place we love and want to live and actually be able to afford it? Why does it have to be so hard just to survive? Not live and most certainly not thrive, but just get by?
I don't know where to go from here.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 8/22/2004 01:02:31 AM ~
~
