Well, I didn't make it to the mechanic today. In fact, I didn't make it out of the house. I was up all night last night utterly unable to sleep. By the time 7am rolled in, I was exhausted. We're now set to try again on Wednesday.
The last post, someone commented that I might be depressed. Which they offered, would account for the sleep problems. But see, thing is, I've been depressed pretty much every single day of my life. But I've always slept well. This sleep issue is something new. And I'm not feeling especially low at the moment. There are times that it hurts to breathe I'm so depressed. Were I in one of those stages, yeah, I could see the escapism of wanting to sleep all the time. But this is really much more physical. I simply feel unrested all the time and am physically suffering the effects as if I were perpetually sleep-deprived. I could understand it if I were maybe coming off of a lot of caffine, or, perhaps if I were taking a medication which causes drowsiness, but neither are applicable. It's so weird.
Oh and my small appitite thing is just me. It's not like I avoid food. Or that I don't eat. I eat. Frequently actually, nibbling throughout the day. I just can't eat large portions of things. My stomach can't handle it. I eat kids portions of things but I'm full and I enjoy it, so it's not like it's abnormal for me, it's just how my stomach works. (Or, rather, how it often doesn't though that's another story.) So, again, that's nothing new.
I wonder if it's not that I'm in this perpetual state of boredem and inactivity which just, for some reason, makes me feel tired. I can walk over 12 miles in 95F heat at Disney and come home and be a little tired, sure, but not like I'm in pain tired or anything. I'm not exhausted. But, if I sit around the apartment and do nothing but surf the web a little and watch some tv, I'm beat. Do I just need more physical activity? It seems almost oxymoronic, but I can't account for this annoying tired feeling all the time. I don't feel weak or sick, just like I didn't get enough sleep.
Anyway, I'm just utterly rambling at this point. Sorry. I guess I just find this journal a very helpful resource to spill out the thoughts that churn around in my head. Putting them on paper as it were helps me think about them better and see more sides of the problem. Don't ever let anyone tell you writing a journal isn't theraputic or helpful. It is. Even just by asking the questions - not even getting the answers - it helps sometimes.
I think I just need to get out more. I need a part-time job. The money would be extremely helpful and it might help me with my inactivity problems. Anyone need someone with over six years of office experience for maybe four or five hours a day just to help out and do general clerical things? No? *sighs* It's so damned hard to find a serious, part-time job that's not telemarketing or "work from home" scams. I haven't even had any luck with retail jobs at the mall. Not like I want to work for $5.50/hour but still, I can't even get that. Maybe I'm just going stir-crazy. It's like a form of house arrest the way I don't ever leave here, so I'm sure it's got to be fucking with me physically and mentally by this point. And I don't think it's going to get better on it's own.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 8/2/2004 04:59:07 PM ~
~
