So, a little history. My biological father (hereto called "asshole" for simplicity) and I haven't had any contact in years. At my own chosing. As many of you know, he was abusive to me, my sister and my mother for the first 13 years of my life in every way possible. He made my life a living nightmare. When my mom finally divorced him, I was 13. Howerver, I continued to have contact with him for a few years because he was persistant in his "right" to see me and for those years I was too scared and spineless to stop interacting with him (despite how much I loathed it). Finally though, things reached a breaking point and I had enough.
He moved back to PA - where he is from and where I was born. And that was the last contact I had from him. (Except of course things like him cashing in my pre-paid college fund preventing me from attending college.) He remarried and I don't even have his address. He threw a hissy fit and that was fine with me.
Asshole has a second cousin. And he is married to my mother's sister. (I know it sounds weird, but it's not quite as bad as it sounds.) He's a jerk too. (We'll call him "Loser") So the other day, Loser calls my mom and leaves a message on her answering machine. Turns out that Asshole's mother died the other day.
Now, a side note. I kept in loose contact with my paternal grandparents even after I broke it off with Asshole. I would send the occassional card (though they stopped sending them to me) but since they were up in PA, and I was here in FL, I didn't see them for over ten years. About six years ago I went on vaction to Canada. And I called to make arrangements to drive through my home town and stop to see them; stay over for a night for a visit. Keep in mind, this was the first chance in all those years that I was anywhere near the state and that I was willing to make a special trip just to stop by.
They told me they couldn't be there. That they had plans to visit Asshole's sister who lives in Ohio. Something they did regularly and something that wouldn't be a problem to postpone by a couple of days. They weren't even willing to wait two days so that they could see me for the first time in over ten years.
That was the last contact I had with them. It was clear they didn't want me involved in their lives; that I was a "black sheep" of the family and that as far as they were concerned, I didn't exist. Fine. I had stopped trying to be nice and go out of my way to accomediate them and maintain a civil relationship.
Flash forward to the yesterday. And my mom's message on her answering machine. Asshole wasn't man enough to call himself. He had to have his cousin call my mom to tell me that my paternal grandmother was dead. And since neither of us has his address, we can't even send a condolence card (which, for sure, will be another trantrum by him and more proof that I'm a horrid child). He can't have it both ways though. If he wishes to hide and act like I don't exist, he can't very well expect me to talk through the relay of my mom to my uncle to him when matters like this happen.
The surreal part is that last night I went online to my hometown newspaper's website. And I looked in the obits. Sure enough, hers was in there. And, amazingly enough, I was even listed as one of three surviving grandchildren. I wasn't expecting to see that. I felt surely, they would have "failed" to include me. There's something rather odd about seeing your name written in context of a death notice, about people you are uttely unconnected to and uninterested in.
I'm not happy she died, nor am I upset over it. I know she had been sick for many years and was in-and-out of hospitals near continuously. She was 85 and so it wasn't any big surprise with her poor health and her age that this was due to happen. I don't wish her any ill-will, nor even do I want to rub it in Asshole's face that he lost his mother. In honesty, I can't really work up any feelings on the matter at all. It just doesn't seem like it applies to me. Since these people removed themselves from my life so many years ago, there's no connection and certainly no familiarity.
All the more reason it's surreal to see your name in a paper that's so severed from that life and those ties.
~ castles of sand by Memory and Dream
at 8/24/2004 03:59:49 PM ~
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