"Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear." -Thomas Jefferson
Kinda random, I know. But I saw it at Orb's and I wanted to snag it. I've always felt this way. That any deity out there would MUCH rather have a person be true to themselves and their own convictions rather then just follow the herd mentality out of fear or the need to cover one's ass. So it was a lovely harmony then to see this quote which summed it up so well and from such a notable personage.
A Day Later... So.....after last night reading and panicking and then today crying and talking to everyone from my mom, to my friend, to some friends online, I'm not any happier about the situation, but I'm trying to not think about it. At least not dwell on it. I'm still really worried about it. And the idea of my world getting smaller and smaller on me brings me to tears....so....instead, I'm just pushing it aside for now to get through the next couple days.
Accomplishment Today we went and got my new glasses and my sunglasses. Ended up getting an amazingly good deal. It's still a lot of money but not as much as I was worried about having to spend and worth it in price for what I got. Two pairs, metal frames. Ultra-thin lenses (a neccesity lest I have coke bottles on my face), anti-glare on my regular ones and polarization on my sunglasses (another necessity since I need to cut down on glare), both frames ended up being brand name ("designer") frames complete and ready for pick-up tomorrow for $300. We got half off the complete set of both, plus a friend of a friend worked there, recognized us and gave us a "price match" taking another $70 off my price. The lenses alone for my standard pair were $105 a LENSE. The total cost before discounts was over $740. So, yeah, a lot of money. And money we don't have for other things (like getting our 2nd, unworking car to work again so I can maintain a permanent part-time job) but it's one less thing to worry about. Thank you tax return. Tomorrow after 2pm, I'll have my new perscription and even a pair of sunglasses after over two years being without. (The last time I had sunglasses, they were before I had glasses at all.) Anyone who has to get glasses and doesn't have insurance and is blind can appreciate a good deal with glasses.
All Dressed Up Made some more penguins tonight. One of them is going out in the mail tomorrow for the lovely lady who ordered two bracelets and a penguin from me. It's a really amazingly cool feeling to have someone want things that you craft and to be excited over it. It reminds me how glad I am to have - at the moment at least - some calmness to my sites so I can FINALLY get around to working on my site and offer more things for sale. There's stacks of jewlery around here and I know that it's nice and that people would like it. Despite my nervousness of not being good enough, deep down I know that's silly - just artistic stage fright - and I think of how good it feels just to have even one person wanting things I've made. *smiles* I do have two extra penguins so let me know if you are interested. They're cute, little and perfect for the Linux lover. =D
More from the Stupid Commercial File Watching a lot of tv (as always; believe it or not, it gets boring to sit at the pc all day long) and there's just so many stupid commercials out there. So many in fact, that I often think they deserve to be publically mocked. One that springs to mind and has been lurking as a topic for an entry is for a local community college. You know the kind that have "specialized" associates degrees meant to just give you job training? So, the guy walks into this call center. And the people are all bored as they answer the phone. He comes in and gives a big speech about how there's more out there and "do they really want to answer phones the rest of their life?" Then he pimps the phone number to call their college. As the operators all get up to go find a better career, he takes one of the empty headsets and tells the person on the other end, "Operators are not standing by." The voice-over annoucer then pimps the number to call the college again and mentions they're there 24/day to take your call. I can't even imagine the water cooler at THEIR call center the first day that commercial was on tv. Answering phones is awful and belittling work - so call us now, talk to one of our representatives and get a better job! It's a Homer-slaps-his-head-and-says-D'oh! moment if I ever saw one.
Take THAT cd industry! Got my $13.86 check today as well. Finally. I was worried that I got left out. Hey, $14 is $14 and I don't look down on any free money coming my way. You're damned skippy that they overcharged on cd's. Good for them that they had to pay out at least something. It may not do very much, but it's still money back in my hand.
Influence of Books So I mentioned a few weeks ago about how I was reading this book (Battle of Evernight) with very formal tones to the writing. And how it was bleeding over into my own speech and way of typing. The funny thing is that now I'm reading this other book (Daughter of the Forest) in which the main character is forbidden to speak lest she cause a horrible spell to never be undone. And I find myself reading it - as I was late last night for about an hour - and being quite myself. Not speaking. It's funny how that happens. Mika was getting into things but instead of yelling verbally at her, I smacked my hand down for example. I noticed how I was tending to do as she did the same as I did in the book with formal speech. And I wonder at how common that is. Do people get as wrapped up in their books as I do? It's like there's a world going on and when I'm away from the book, it's just on pause; holding and waiting for me to come back. Silly I know, but still. Books affect me and I don't think that's a bad thing. (Though I don't know if the optomitrist was joking or not when he asked if I read a lot as a child and commented that might have lead to my nearsightedness. Sounds too fanciful to be true, but then again, who knows? I went from 20/10 vision to 20/400. As good an excuse as any! Is that why so many bookworms wear glasses? *chuckles*)
The Rest I don't yet know what this weekend has in store. We can go get my glasses tomorrow (as I upgrade my prescription for the first time...hope it's not like when I first got the glasses - everything swam for days and it was horribly disorienting. I'm hoping that it will just be a bit different, but not sickening. I'd hate to be queasy over the weekend.). Beyond that, who knows? It's cold out right now (actual is 47F with a feels like of 41F) with tomorrow looking to be in the low 60's for the high. This time of year it's like that though. 84F one day; 57F the next.
Well, I guess I've babbled enough. Trying to keep my mind busy so I don't let myself get - or stay - in such a funk over this cataract thing. (ugh, I hate that word) I upset my mom today. Didn't mean to, but I started crying when I was talking to her. I wanted to confirm that there was no family history of such a thing (there's not) and I just lost it. She called me later this evening and was teary-eyed herself telling me not to let it get to me so much. I know she's right, but I think right now I just don't want to think about it for a few days and maybe let the idea settle down in where it doesn't hurt so much and seem so sharp.
So on that positive note (*snorts*), I'm going to poke around the net a bit and call this entry done. Ta for now.
ps...thanks to everyone for the kind words of support.
First - on the domain side of things, I finally got them to get back with me. They moved my files for all three subdomains and fixed my login for my PhoenixFire Designs site. I'm resolving and I can see myself. I still need to address my .htaccess issues but at least, for the moment, my sites and my emails are showing up.
Now, onto something more serious. I had my eye exam tonight. Things didn't exactly go great. First off, my vision has gotten worse - quite a bit worse. Uncorrected, it's about 20/400 right now. Which means that the smallest letter I could see at 20 feet is something that someone with 20/20 vision could see at 400 feet. Ouch. I could just make out the big E on the chart without my glasses.
Worse still is that I apparently have a small cataract in both eyes. Yeah. The Dr. says it's not affecting my sight at all right now though I need to keep up with it to ensure it doesn't get worse. I also have to make sure I take vitamin E and C and wear sunglasses ALL THE TIME in the sun. I got home and I looked up info on it because I admit, I didn't know much about it more then the fact it's something old people seem to get a lot. Well, I'm right. The factors for cataracts are so outside my life and lifestyle that there's only one thing which could have caused it: UV radation such as the sun (or tanning booths but I don't do that).
Cataracts occur when eye lenses become cloudy. Factors associated with clouding include:
Aging (age-related cataracts).
Overexposure to ultraviolet (UV) radiation, such as from sunlight, tanning booths, or sun lamps.
Eye injury. While injury-related cataracts are rare, injury is a leading cause of cataracts in children.
Diabetes. Diabetes, especially when the blood sugar levels are above the safe range, causes changes in the eye that can result in cataracts.
Disease inside the eye, such as glaucoma, long-term (chronic) uveitis, retinitis pigmentosa, or retinal detachment.
Long-term use of steroid medications.
Frequent X-rays or radiation treatments to the head.
Family history (genetics). A person may inherit the tendency to develop cataracts.
Race. Native Americans and people of African-American heritage are at higher risk for developing cataracts.
Iris color. For unknown reasons, people with darker-colored irises appear to have an increased risk of developing cataracts
Smoking. People who smoke are more likely to develop cataracts.2 Smoking may damage the lens of the eye by leading to the formation of chemicals called free radicals. Free radicals are produced by normal cell function (metabolism). High levels of free radicals can damage cells, including those in the lens of the eye.
Alcohol. One study found that people who drank more than one alcoholic drink a day had a 4 times' greater risk for cataracts
I'm young. 26 in fact. Most women who get them are past menopause. Cataract removal is the number one leading surgery for those of Medicare age americans. UV - I'll get to that one. Eye injury - never had any. Just gone nearsighted as I hit my 20's. Disease of the eye - no. Never. And no family history of such. Steroid medication - again, nope. Never. I don't take any steroids or medication besides my birth control pills. X-rays - not at all. I've never even broken a bone, so I've definately not had any reason for x-rays in my life (besides some for braces but that was when I was a young teenager). Family history - not that I know of. And certainly not at 26! Race - I'm neither Native nor African. Very much European. Iris color - I have light eyes that fluctuate blues/greys/greens. Smoking - never have; never will. And no one around me smokes either. Alcohol - don't drink. Just don't have a taste for it. I never do it.
So what does that leave...? UV radiation. Let me pause a minute to explain something to you. Florida is the only subtropical state in the union. We are bombarded with extremely high UV levels on a daily basis - year round. Already, in February, for today, we had a UV index of 7. Most of the county had 2 or 3.
Six risk level categories (0-2 Minimal, 3-4 Low, 5-6 Moderate, 7-9 High, 10 Very High, 10+ Extreme) are used to categorize the calculated skin-damaging UV radiation in agreement with recommendations proposed by dermatologists.
For us, in the summer, we stay 9/10-10+ And for us, summer tends to start late March. For the last two and a half years since I've had my eyes checked (at which time I did NOT have cataracts), I've not worn sunglasses. Why? Because I never had the spare $200 to get a pair of perscription sunglasses. And when I did, I knew I needed to update my Rx first on my main glasses because it was getting too weak. Flash forward until today. We're spending what little we have of a tax return (because I didn't get one because I didn't have any W-2's this year; all my work was under the table or of such a small amount on 1099, I don't have anything to file) to get my exam and me some new glasses. But now I NEED to get sunglasses too. Fuck. That will double the cost. I need ultra thin lenses because of how bad my Rx is - more expensive. I need the anti-glare so it doesn't cause eye-strain - more expensive. And now I need a pair of 100% block UVA/UVB block sunglasses too. UGH!
So.....can I officially say this just terrifies me? My Love tells me I'm getting myself too worked up and that since the Dr. said it's not imparing my sight right now that I shouldn't worry. But I do worry. It can lead to glaucoma, vision loss (extreme) and even in worse cases blindness. Surgery for it is risky and often not recomended. It involves either the insertion of a new, artificial lens or the attempt to break up part of the lens. How horrifying! I could have on-and-off and worsing problems with glare, nightblindess, widly fluctuating prescription and need to update it constantly (something I just can't afford to do), double vision and more. I'm only 26! Why in the world are they developing now? What am I going to do if it's happening now in my life? What's going to happen in another ten years? Twenty?
I'm terrified. This is out of nowhere. I have none of the risk factors. None. Never in my wildest dreams would I have even thought I'd be in this situation. Now it's a matter of it being medically necessary to get sunglasses - and I just don't have the money to get TWO pairs!
I have such a headache. When they dilated my eyes it didn't go down for over three and a half hours. Really good for the already hyper light sensitive person, right? I think I'm going to call it an early night. But I'm so afraid. I know I probably shouldn't be, but there's so much that can happen and so much to worry about (that I never thought I'd have to) that I just keep thinking about it and panicking about everything that can happen. I just couldn't live if I couldn't see. It's bad enough I can't see even a fraction of how I used to be able to when I was a kid (I had 20/10 vision as a child which is the best it can be pretty much) but now this...? I worry about how far downhill it's gotten in such a short span of time; how my perscription has gotten so much worse in such a short period of time and it makes me panic that the same could happen with this. It's like it's all just falling apart - and so fast I can't keep up. It just really, really scares me.
Addendum: about glare...see, one of the problems that everything mentions is issues with glare and nightblindness. But I'm hyper light sensitive. So I've always had problems with glare and lights being distorting/bright at night. If it's consistant light, or it's low-light I can see better then anyone at night. But things like headlights have always been a problem for me. And that's part of what scares me. I don't know where my light sensitivity begins and where my cataracts end, you know? It's hard for me to define if I'm having problems with things like that because I've always had problems with light and changing light sources and certain light sources being overly bright. Which worries me all the more...
It's about damned time. A fucking week later I can get into my site and perhaps actually use it. I can't even begin to tell you how pissed off I've been over this whole fiasco. I've had to go through three moves recently - all on the same host - and all to try to finally give stability. Everything was fine for a year but then they switched to another company back in October (move 1), then there was a problem with that company not having the servers configured properly so we had to hop servers within the same company (move 2) and then when they kept dropping the ball over the last six months - downtime, crashes, hacks, loss of email, file problems, permissions problems, etc. - they decided to move to another company entirely (move 3). Let me tell you, the excuses have run stretched thin to the bone. If things don't calm down, all four of my registered domains are gone. I'd do it now except, fuck, I just don't want to have to do this all again. Let's not even get into the fact that there were problems with the move (as usual), the fact that first I didn't have permission to do anything to my files, then for no reason that's being given despite the fact I'm asking repeatedly, my .htaccess to prevent hotlinking was suddenly "wrong" (though it's worked for two years now across two other moves without problem) and was preventing anyone from getting into my journal directory at all, AND the fact RR was so fucking slow that it wasn't until late last night (like 2am) that I could finally see my domain resolving on the new server. It's just utterly disgusting to be held at bay when you just want your fucking site to work. And now my login for my PhoenixFire Designs site isn't working. I've emailed them and haven't heard back. Instead of it pulling up my page, there's an under construction there. And my EM Site is down as well as my hostee's site. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I'm so enraged I can't even write an entry - and I have things to talk about (after a week, who could have guessed). Like, I have an appointment at 6pm tonight to get my vision checked and get a new prescription for my glasses. I've not been able to see through them for months now so we're going to try to get it updated. When you squint through your glasses, there's something wrong. I'm nervous about it despite the fact I know it's no big deal. It's just weird for me since I've only been wearing glasses like 2-odd years now and before that hadn't had my eyes checked since I was a kid.
I need to email support - AGAIN - since I can't get any of my subdomains to come up and I can't log into any of them. And they're not emailing me back. Fuckers. Bah. So pissed off right now. I don't need this and I don't need the fact that my drive apparently has errors either. I need to get the new HD installed and change over to XP so I can stop having my pc crash multiple times a day in the middle of everything and anything. Besides the fact I'm terrified of losing all my files like photos and such which I don't have any real way of backing up. It's horrifying.
So. I'm back. Mostly. Pissed off. Have a lot still to fix. No one's answering my questions and I have three downed sites. Joy of joys. I fucking hate when people promise over and over that things will go right; will be painless and seemless and it's still nothing but unrelenting headache.
I am SO SICK of seeing my site but not being able to do anything about it. It's right. there. and it doesn't matter. So I keep checking to see if I'm resolving yet on the new servers - of course not, it's only been five days since this mess started and since I've been able to have an entry published which is viewable - and I keep seeing my damned pointless entry from Thursday night. I WANT TO UPDATE MY SITE DAMMIT!
Five fucking days between moving things, setting up new accounts, getting new server info, logins, passwords, permissions issues and then finally, name server changes. Which I now have to just wait...and wait...and wait for my ISP (and every other ISP out there) to realize, hey! it's changed!. *grumbles*
When oh when will you let me get into my site and DO things again??
This is a test. If you're seeing this, that means my domain is resolving on the new server. If not, well, then I guess it's not working. Been quite because the switch-over happened starting Friday and then I was at WDW Saturday and out running errands today (Sunday). Been wanting to get something up here on the new server information so I know when it's working, but haven't had a chance. Let's see if this works now.
