Well blah. That didn't help my mood any. Been looking forward to the hockey game all week - heck, longer then that - but the game was terrible; they lost 5-1, the refs were calling horribly and three people on all sides of me got game-used pucks including this damned woman we took with us who was a ditz that knows nothing about hockey and who's psychotic boyfriend was throwing a hissy fit all night about her being there. *bitter*
So, crappy night. Dammit. And I was so looking forward to something fun.
Every single day it's bad enough that I have to fucking listen to the people in the building next to me - with whom I share my bedroom wall - playing their damned techno music literally every single day, but on fucking weekends they start playing it whenever they fucking want. This morning it woke me out of a dead sleep at nine fucking am. A week or two ago, it was like eight fucking am. From here, all I get is the thudding base line.
Pounded on the wall so hard the last time that I put an actual dent in it. Today, they're not turning it down. Like it matters at this point, I'm fucking awake.
I hate every single fucking thing about my fucking peice of shit apartment. I hate it here every single moment of my life and I can't fucking take this bullshit anymore.
I am so all over the scale tonight. Neck's been really bothering me tonight (it's permantly out of whack and hurts all the times; some more so then others; some so bad it can trigger a migraine. chiropracters have been baffled and helpless to fix it; have suggested things like acupuncture but that sort of scares me a bit plus I don't have the money for it. would also love to try some reiki massage, but again...money.) ........anyway and has been leading to a background headache all day. Had problems with dinner tonight which lead to throwing away food - twice - and then needing to go buy more - which I don't really have the money to be spending since we're broke. Made me cry. Over ruined dinner (twice). All day, an emotional rollarcoaster. I've just been so sad and morbid. Thinking about how pointless my life is and how easily I could just vanish and leave very little mark behind. I think of how many things I want to do or to see or to be and how none of them will ever happen. So it's like what's the point? I don't know where this has all come from either. I was in such good spirits the other night when I went to the beach. Today though has just been hell.
*sighs*
One of those days that just drag you down for no real reason other then to see you fall.
Sand gets cold I discovered that when it's 50-something degrees outside, and the water temperature of the Gulf is 60-something, that the sand itself is about -37 degrees! Brr!
I finally, finally went out to the beach last night after about eight months without. The beach is a spiritual place for me to reconnect and revitalize. It's a borderland - where the realms of the land and the sea merge. It's also a meeting place where the earth, the air and the water all reside. Well, anyway, it had been long overdue for me to go out, but between winter and life in general being time-consuming, I never quite did get around to getting out there. We planned originally to go Saturday, but then I was stricken with one of my unbearably bad migraines. So then we rescheduled and planned to go Monday. But sometime between the weekend and Monday, the temperature dropped from the mid 80's to the 40's. I bundled up, made it outside, but turned right back around knowing it'd be too cold to stand out in 17mph winds at the shore.
Disgruntled, I forced myself out there last night - in the 50's this time rather then the 40's - and, discovered just how damned cold sand gets. Wow. My poor toes. Normally, I sink them into the surf, but last night I had to make due hovering around the edge with my shoes back on. Though I did manage to enjoy it for about a half an hour before my poor Love was frozen to the bone up on the sand and I felt bad for him so we left. Still, it was great to get out there again. I just feel so much better; happier even. *smiles* Hope it lasts.
Speaking of spirituality and such... Forgot to mention, I added a new, lengthy and rather personal though informative article on the Embracing Mystery Site the other day. Not sure if I mentioned it or not yet since I'm getting a bit of deja vu as I write this. (Could have mentioned it somewhere else and that's making me think I already said this, or I really did mention it here and since I'm too lazy to open another window and look, it just might be a duplicate.) Oh well. Either way, there's an update and I have a few more things that need to be worked on for some more updates soon as well. Now that the sites are stable for the moment, I can get back in and actually update them again. Novel concept, eh?
Wasps Well, after several hours out here yesterday and the removing of a couple of panels off the front of the building right next to my master bedroom window, the wasps are reported dead. The pest control guy is nice and made sure to come up and knock on my door personally to give me the final status. (He'd been by a few days before to check out the situation but needed to come back with more equiptment to deal with it.) They cleared out the nest and killed the unbelievably huge swarm. I feel a bit safer. He even told me it was safe to go out on my balcony again. So...I'm going to try to not to think about them having been right in the wall next to my side of the bed and instead just be happy they're gone. Yeah, that's what I'll do.
Migraines & Medications I know many times doctors get samples of meds. Does anyone know if they get samples of migraine meds? I'm trying to think of a way to get some medication with minimal cost to me - and paying for multiple $150+ prescriptions isn't exactly low cost. I was wondering if I could get some samples to know what does and does not work before committing a larger sum of money to getting a regular prescription. The only one I've tried was Imitrex in pill form at 25mg. And it didn't do anything. I know there's about a dozen or so different brands/types/formulas out there which fall under the tripton category so there's more things to try. And I really need to try. The panic I feel about getting another attack and not having a rescue med is overwhelming. I've tried looking up info on getting some low-cost/free health services through the state of Florida or the county, but everything seems to be connected to other services like welfare and foodstamps. (Or, if you're pregnant or a single mother.) Nothing for people who are just normal, middle-of-the-road, unable to afford health care costs with a chronic and debilitating condition. *sighs* There's something so wrong about people having to just suffer because they can't afford the health care and medication they need.
M the Disney Pin Junkie Oh yeah, I got thinking about my pins and such the other day. I've got them all on my little mini-backpack-purse thingy I use for going to WDW. I've gotten quite a collection since last year when I innocently picked up Stitch as Elvis. So in an effort to start keeping track, I made a new page to show off my collection. Pins! Not that anyone really cares - unless they like Disney Pin trading too or just like Disney stuff - but hey, I spend my time on some weird projects so why not something like my pin collection?
That's all she wrote I'm starved. Ended up never eating dinner last night (had a late lunch and just wasn't hungry at dinner time) and now I'm famished. So I think I'll go get dressed (it's pretty cold in here, I need some sleeves!) and scrounge for some food. Hard since there's pretty much nothing in the house and oh, about $25 left until the 19th. Gods, I'm broke.
Remember how I mentioned a wasp problem the other day? Yeah so the pest control people are out today to deal with the issue. They're banging around outside my master bedroom window and so I listen and hear them clearly discuss how they should proceed. Seems the words they're inside the walls is the basis of the problem.
Oh fuck, if that just doesn't freak me the hell out I don't what does. As I sit here in my master bedroom to type this knowing they've gotten in before and their nest is apparently in the walls.
*cringes*
Damn this just sucks ass.
edit And now Mika's going bonkers towards the wall there, trying to get near it, meowing and acting like there's something there. Joy of joys, they must be right. She must be able to hear them. She's the one who found the first ones that came in, so I don't for a moment doubt her now. *shudders*
Oh...don't jinx it but it just came back up! After all that - calling them and logging in with the dial up, I just heard the tv from the living room (I left it on just to see if it ever came back on) and sure enough, picture. And I rebooted the modem, and connection!
I'm going to keep an eye on it today and if it stays up, I'll cancel the appointment. If it goes down again I'll leave it. We'll see how the afternoon goes. Oh gods, I hope it was just a fluke.
I'm dead in the water. I was online and my connection just started to time out before dying completely. I turned on the tv and I got static first and then no picture, but the menu guide after that. Called Time Warner - sorry, Bright House now, same company, different name - and they can't see what's wrong so they'll be out tomorrow between 8am-12pm to fix it. I happened to stumble upon my friend's old dial-up connection settings and thank goodness they still work. So I stole a few minutes of his time to make this note.
Fuck, fuck fuck. Me, in the apartment, no car, no tv and no net. Oh joy. This will be the most fun of days. I was worried at first that it's because we have to pay them (and can't until the 19th) but no, they repair department would have mentioned disconnect due to billing. Not to mention, when they do that, they put a notice on your screen that you've been turned off. This is more like someone cut a wire or stole all the bandwidth in the area. Bah.
So......me = net. Hopefully it will be fixed tomorrow. If you're wondering where I disappeared off to (mid surfing the boards and on YIM), that's where.
Dammit. The last time one of these came up I missed it just barely. They're really rare and it figures that another one would show up right when I have zero cash to even try to bid on it. It's of course rare and hard to find and the one I happen to like most of the Beauty and the Beast Rose pins.
yes, my name is M and I'm a Disney Pin Collector...
*grumbles* One more thing to ruin my already poor mood. Bah.
Spent hours today writing a new article for my Embracing Mystery site. Though I'm kind of gun-shy about it and nervous since it's personal, pretty rambling and no one but me's read it yet. Oh well. Wanted to do it and so I did. Though my poor fingers are miserable from it.
Finally caught up on most of the topics - even replied to some! - on the EM forum. I had really gotten to slacking about that, so I feel a bit better about that.
I apparently can not type for my life right now. I can't tell you how many very angry backspaces I've had to hit in this tiny entry. That's it! I'm going to bed. The nights have been hard on me lately as it is, last thing I need is to be pissed off at my typing on top of it.
So I've had the blogger window open for...about an hour now. And I know this is the point where I should write something, but oy, I just don't know what to blather about today. There's nothing going on at the same time there's a lot going on (yeah it makes sense in a twisted sort of way) but there's really not much to talk about. Or that I want to drag into my journal at least. Getting into a discussion of a certain controversial movie I refuse to mention here on another site; getting disgusted by the teeniebopper fan club for a tv show cliche on another; and having crisis of a....outside the realm of normal nature (which gets into complex thoughts on magick, energy, the nature of being, soul and the universe - aka far too heavy a topic to blather about casually here). The weather's shifted - was about 85F the other day and last night it plummeted into the low 40's. Now it's supposed to be cool all week. Normally something I'd enjoy and relish, but right now, it's causing a problem with the crisis I mentioned.
Bah. Riddles and vagueness. Liberally sprinkled with boredom and monotony. Yes, this is why I've been unable to compose an entry of any value or understanding.
Let me clear one thing up right now. Being Pagan doesn't mean I don't feel strongly about my personal faith and beliefs. I do. I have a very personal and deeply spiritual relationship with the earth, the universe, and the Mother Goddess. You don't often hear me speak of it however, because faith is an individual thing. It's something that does not come with rights and wrongs and something which doesn't fit neatly within pre-defined parameters. It doesn't come from a book; it doesn't come from a scholar; it doesn't come on a certain day or with a certain sign. Faith can't be explained and woe be to the poor soul who feels the need to even attempt such.
I don't have a religion, I have a faith. There's a world of difference. A religion is a compromise. It's changing your personal beliefs to fit the mold that someone else cast. Nobody really needs a religion. But I think everyone needs a belief. Spirituality rather then religion; ideas rather then doctrine.
Faith is personal. And individual. And something which should never, ever be subject to another's will. My faith isn't up for sale and it's not up to you to understand it. What matters is that it's mine and that, at the end of the day, it brings me solace. It doesn't need to be corrected or changed. Nobody's does. That's the beauty of faith. Each of us views the world through a unique set of eyes. No one else can ever truly experience the world in the same way. As such, each of us has a different shade, a different harmony, a different outlook on faith and what it does - and doesn't - mean to us. And that's beautiful.
So many people in this world want to try to make us all the same. The same race; the same religion; the same path; the same lifestyle. And they forget that our beauty and our strength is in that diversity. How each of us is like a snowflake, one-of-a-kind. And how that's what we're meant to be.
Our views of god, the one, the source, the all, the beginning, the end should reflect that. We should celebrate that each of us can touch the face of god personally and uniquely. For in each of us is a piece of the cosmos - fragments of the stars and heavens themselves. So it is with each of us that we carry forth parts of the completeness and oneness with that which is Divine.
You don't hear me talk about my faith not because it's not there, but because it's my faith. You need to walk the road meant for you and find that which is yours. You don't get to walk my road, bully me, harm me and strip me of that which is ultimately and most profoundly mine. Nor do I get to do that with you. You live; I live and we all decide for ourselves. There's never a cause for forcing our road on another and no deity real, imagined or possible who would wish for us to harm each other so deeply in that way. Live and Let Live. Give hope, not hurt. Give compassion not hatred. And most of all, give room for personal paths and personal beliefs, for in that, we find ourselves and our true strength.
So instead of The Happiest Place on Earth yesterday, I instead had a catagory three migraine. Let me explain. I get three types of migraines. The first and smallest, is the background migraine. This is the one where it hurts behind my eyes and everything's a little too bright/too loud but generally escapable with some caffine and excerin. Catagory two for me would be enough to stop most of what I'm doing. This is where my migraines most often tend to be. If I'm out, I come home. And while the whole dark room, cold compress thing is nice, sometimes I'll push through and stay in the living room instead for example. I'm certainly not feeling good, my day or night will be cut short and I tend to head to bed early to sleep it off. Once I go to sleep, I stay asleep and wake up feeling clear and whole.
Catagory three is the worst. It comes on stronger and faster then normal; most of the time out of nowhere. I get so light sensitive that the little green lcd glow from the clock and from my modem feels like the surface of the sun. I immediately put a migraine ice on my head and try to get some sleep. It never works though. I end up uncontrollably sobbing from them, despite the fact that this makes my head worse. I want to claw my eye(s) out of its socket because it hurts so bad from behind. I am sick to my stomach and feel ready to puke. Every little inch of me feels trapped inside my head and a feather pillow feels like bricks. I sweat and shiver at the same time being both hot and freezing. I literally can not think and struggle to answer even basic questions. Sleep doesn't even offer escape. These are The Worst Headaches Of My Life. And last night was one of them.
We had decided not to go to WDW because of finances (in that we had to pay rent and that left us only $100 for the next two weeks for everything from food to gas. Joy.) So, thought we'd run out to the beach in the evening. Instead, around 8pm, my head started to hurt badly. I took some excedrin - I have NO rescue medication for my migraines because I have had NO insurance for going on three years now - and drank some soda (caffine) but this wasn't going to be curbed by that. By 8:30pm, I had to go lay down in bed. Migraine ice for my forehead. Managed to doze off for awhile. Woke up maybe an hour later from the pain. It hurt so bad there aren't even words for it. My Love came in about that time to check on me and stayed with me for well over another hour; probably almost two. I just couldn't fall back asleep. I started just uncontrollably sobbing from it. He held me and hand his hand along my hair to comfort me. I finally was able to calm down after that excrutiating time and he left me to go back to sleep. Which I did manage for another hour or so. When I woke up then it was about 12:30am. It felt like the worst of it was over. But after such attacks, I'm unbelivably groggy and very disconnected to the world. I really worry about brain damage for how wrong I feel at times like that. I was really hungry for some reason and at some cereal. Sat up with my Love watching some of the Eddie Izzard "Dress to Kill" on hbo for 45 minutes and then the pain behind my eye started to throb again and he was tired so we just went to sleep. Took me awhile to get back to sleep, but finally I did.
Which brings us to today. I still don't feel perfect. In fact, my head still feels....sore or something on the inside if that makes any sense. Times like last night make me think about migraines throughout history. A few hundred years ago, people must have gone mad from the pain and having nothing at all - not even ice put on their heads - to make it better. In the dark ages, people must have thought they had demons in their heads. Changes to your sight, intense pain, sickness to your stomach - they must have believed they were possessed. Gruesome images of someone taking a hand drill to a person's head to get the demon out come to mind. Not that I'm that much better along. Having nothing to take and nothing to stop an attack, I myself feel like clawing my own eyes out sometimes. Melodramatic as it may sound, at some moments, in it's peak, I honestly want to die just to escape how badly it hurts. If you've never had a migraine - and trust me, it's not just a bad headache and it's horribly insulting when people who've never had one claim it casually - you just don't know how bad they can get. Put it this way, there's a similar type of headache to migraines then men get (since most migraine sufferers are women over the age of 18) that are honestly called "suicide" headaches because they hurt that badly, people have actually killed themselves to get away from the pain.
I can't keep doing this though. I just don't know what to do. The medications are so expensive - two hundred dollars for half a dozen pills kind of expensive - that I literally don't have the money for them. And, seeing as you often have to try multiple prescriptions before you find one that works for you, I'm screwed. I'm so desperate though. Still today I don't feel right and it's hard to think from how badly the attack was last night. I've re-read this entry several times, realizing I've omitted words or included too many without realizing it. I've gotten migraines since I was 16. That's almost eleven years now. And they just keep getting worse. And I don't know what to do about that. I just know I can't keep having these attacks like this.
