same old same old Since I still need a UPS with surge protector to run my computer for any amount of time, (and of course since I'll never have the money to buy one I don't know why I don't just fucking throw the pc out the window for all the good it does me) added to my unbelievably overwhelming depression right now, it's just not worth it for me to even bother turning on my pc lately. It takes too long and I find myself lacking the interest to even skim friend's pages or forums I normally actively participate in. I just don't have the desire at all.
Tried to see The Bourne Supremacy today but it fucking sucked and the director, Paul Greengrass, can kiss my goddamned ass. He should never be allowed to fucking film another movie in his life and moreover, should be dragged out into the street and shot. Repeatedly. I was really looking forward to this film. And I'm fucking broke so seeing a movie was a big splurge. But this fucking director made it so nauseating that you couldn't watch it. Each and every scene - I only wish I were exaggerating - was either a) blurry b) shaky c) out of focus or d) all of the above on crack. The fight scenes and chase secene were literally painful for me and I couldn't watch it. I spent most of the movie with my eyes physically closed. It was hell and I was miserable the whole time. Fuck you you peice of shit for ruining my attempt to get out and do something and enjoy a Saturday afternoon. Fucker.
I'm not here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I literally hate life right now. I haven't wanted to die this much since I was a teenager. I just can't figure out what the hell the point of continuing is anymore and it's like it's not even worth trying. I just want to fucking give up. I'm sick of everything.
Yeah whatever. shut the fuck up you whiney ass bitch. I know. even I don't want to listen to myself.
Money's great...until you don't have any So, $61 additional borrowed bucks later (bringing the total up to almost $400), two leaks fixed in the a/c system, more freon added, the car once again has air conditioning. The weirdness with the oil has no explanation because when we took it in, we were, at this point, somehow over on oil, rather then under. I don't know. Of course, his sage advice was to, well, basically get a new car. The engine's knocking badly he said, and he doesn't expect it to last much longer. Oh yeah, and no long trips meaning, even if we could afford it (which we can't), Orlando is so out of the question. He feels it's a matter of time, not chance, that the car will just up and die.
Joy.
You know, we could get a new car. Sure. If we wanted to live it in. Because rent and a car payment simply aren't both possible. That is of course, if we were willing to pay like 23% interest at some scam buy-here-pay-here place since neither of us could ever actually get approved for a loan.
We live paycheck to paycheck. And barely even at that. We're always behind on the bills, we have to borrow money (that we can never fucking pay back) for emergencies like the radiator blowing, we don't have credit and there isn't any goddamned light at the end of the fucking tunnel. I'm sick of people telling me bullshit like It'll get better or you'll figure it out because you know what? They fucking won't get better. They never fucking do. Ever. I've never had once fucking easy day in my goddamned life. What? It wasn't enough that I was fucking beat up and molested by my fucking biological father? It wasn't enough that he tried to kill my mom in front of me many times? It wasn't enough that I had to live alone at age 16, working and going to school to pay for food to eat? It wasn't enough that I had ulcers when I was 13, I was anemic for over five years, that I've lost dozens of jobs due to my shitty health? It's not enough I'm broken and damaged inside and out with migraines, crippling depression, weakness, a stomach from fucking hell itself which means I spend my life sick in the bathroom every goddamned day, my hair which fell out in clumps due to poor health and which does so again now, a neck which grew out of alignment and hurts every fucking day of my life or that I'm not-so-slowly going blind with nearsightedness and catarcats in my fucking 20's, I need poverty I can't escape, I need homelessness which I've had and which always looms so close, I need the inability to fucking hold down a job (in ways that people can't fucking understand, physically and mentally), I need cars that never work, and credit that's trashed by all of the above, I need people to steal from me, take everything I own from my home, fuck me over and come out on top too? I need my cat to die a slow and painful death of cancer, after borrowing more money I can never pay back for two surgeries, when he was the only one thing in my life I had that was there for me all those years, even that I had to watch wither and die horribly. I need shit after shit after shit to go wrong and for it to never, not for a fucking moment, to let up? I sit and I think about how much I've gone through and I can't for one fucking moment, figure out why. Why it's all happened to me, why my luck is not only non-existent, it's so bad that my own family can't believe how much happens to me. That when I call, they simply shake their heads and ask "what is it now?" because they know it never stops.
I can't do it anymore. I can't do any of it. I could fill a sea with the tears I've shed. And none of it ever matters. I stopped trying because I thought, maybe, maybe if I don't even try, I won't fail. But the failures find me and blow down my door and beat me in the middle of the night anyway. I've been broken so many times I'm so damaged that I can never heal. And still the blows rain down on me.
The car barely gets us the five miles to-and-from my Love's work. A job, I might add that he despises with every fiber of his being to the point that he gets sick thinking about getting up to go in there. I've tried to be there when I could to do the little I can with running around in absurd circles of extra work and driving to take small, temporary jobs when I can. They're four times as much strain on a car that can't handle it already in a place where there simply isn't any other means. To get food, to get work, to get clothes, to pay the bills (physically go and pay the bills) you have to have a car. There simply does not exist other means of transport and we can barely get by as it stands. We hover on the edge of the void. One blink of an eye and we fall. There's nothing to support us and nothing left in reserve. We bleed it all out every single day and only find ourselves that much more weakned for our struggles.
And I can't do it anymore. It never gets better. No matter how many times people say it will, it doesn't. It's just pauses between the pain. It's just breaths between the horrors. I can't see what I've seen and live through what I've lived and still take it coming every single day. I can't. I just can't. I'm so broken.
But I don't wanna...! I don't want to go to bed. *pouts* I'm not even tired! I have to get up at 7am tomorrow, take Love into work, come home, get ready myself, drive a half-an-hour away, drop the car off at the mechanic, hang out all day with my mom, come back, pick up my Love and come home sometime after 5pm? Sooooo? I dun wanna go to bed right now! *grumps* Nu-uh, I won't be tired in the morning! No I won't! *scrunches up nose* Bah humbug. Meanie.
Not a real entry Just got around to uploading some of the pics from my camera. Most of them were Disney pics so they'll get updated (eventually) into my All Things Disney Gateway sub-site. I say eventually not just because of the laziness factor of sorting and resizing photos, or creating and uploading files, but because the pc I don't think will let me run that long, that hard without blowing up. I still desperately want to change my layout to my summer one, but I haven't had the luxury of hours to piddle around with the design. Bah.
Anyway, here's two that aren't Disney just 'cause.
the resiliency of nature
This is a beautiful new sprout from the tree in front of my balcony that they had butchered. For awhile, I was honestly worried that the tree itself would not surivive. Two major trunks were cut, and the tree was a mass of dead branches and leaves. But, it appears the worst is over and at least for the moment, life goes on. This makes me happy.
"Dr. Angus" and his beloved llama
This one's for you, Rand. I don't think he's slipping him the tongue, but he's sure smootching the heck out of the llama. (For those wondering what the heck I'm going on about, Burger King features a new parody commerical with a fake doctor - "Dr. Angus" - selling his new diet where it's all about eating and doing what feels good.) It's clearly a gag on the whole absurd Atkins bullshit you can't get away from these days. Anyway, my friend Rand was pretty sure the "Dr" had frenched the llama. My trusty DVR and camera caught the disturbing outcome. heh.
So there you go. Now, my stomach's throwing fits, so I'll close here.
So much for that... Well, I didn't make it to the mechanic today. In fact, I didn't make it out of the house. I was up all night last night utterly unable to sleep. By the time 7am rolled in, I was exhausted. We're now set to try again on Wednesday.
The last post, someone commented that I might be depressed. Which they offered, would account for the sleep problems. But see, thing is, I've been depressed pretty much every single day of my life. But I've always slept well. This sleep issue is something new. And I'm not feeling especially low at the moment. There are times that it hurts to breathe I'm so depressed. Were I in one of those stages, yeah, I could see the escapism of wanting to sleep all the time. But this is really much more physical. I simply feel unrested all the time and am physically suffering the effects as if I were perpetually sleep-deprived. I could understand it if I were maybe coming off of a lot of caffine, or, perhaps if I were taking a medication which causes drowsiness, but neither are applicable. It's so weird.
Oh and my small appitite thing is just me. It's not like I avoid food. Or that I don't eat. I eat. Frequently actually, nibbling throughout the day. I just can't eat large portions of things. My stomach can't handle it. I eat kids portions of things but I'm full and I enjoy it, so it's not like it's abnormal for me, it's just how my stomach works. (Or, rather, how it often doesn't though that's another story.) So, again, that's nothing new.
I wonder if it's not that I'm in this perpetual state of boredem and inactivity which just, for some reason, makes me feel tired. I can walk over 12 miles in 95F heat at Disney and come home and be a little tired, sure, but not like I'm in pain tired or anything. I'm not exhausted. But, if I sit around the apartment and do nothing but surf the web a little and watch some tv, I'm beat. Do I just need more physical activity? It seems almost oxymoronic, but I can't account for this annoying tired feeling all the time. I don't feel weak or sick, just like I didn't get enough sleep.
Anyway, I'm just utterly rambling at this point. Sorry. I guess I just find this journal a very helpful resource to spill out the thoughts that churn around in my head. Putting them on paper as it were helps me think about them better and see more sides of the problem. Don't ever let anyone tell you writing a journal isn't theraputic or helpful. It is. Even just by asking the questions - not even getting the answers - it helps sometimes.
I think I just need to get out more. I need a part-time job. The money would be extremely helpful and it might help me with my inactivity problems. Anyone need someone with over six years of office experience for maybe four or five hours a day just to help out and do general clerical things? No? *sighs* It's so damned hard to find a serious, part-time job that's not telemarketing or "work from home" scams. I haven't even had any luck with retail jobs at the mall. Not like I want to work for $5.50/hour but still, I can't even get that. Maybe I'm just going stir-crazy. It's like a form of house arrest the way I don't ever leave here, so I'm sure it's got to be fucking with me physically and mentally by this point. And I don't think it's going to get better on it's own.
Long Day Tomorrow So tomorrow I have to get up with my Love at 7-7:30am, take him into work, come back home, get ready, then drive a half an hour to my Mom's, get her, drive another 20 minutes to the mechanic to drop off my car. After less then two weeks, we were suddenly three quarts short of oil (and he had just changed the oil for us) and our air conditioning stopped working (which he fixed for us as well). We haven't had a/c in over a week but tomorrow was the first chance I had to make arrangements with my mom to get the car back up there. Ugh, it will be a day.
What doesn't help is that I've just not been feeling well. Last couple days my nose has been really bad (sneezing, running, draining in that oh-so-wonderful way down the back of my throat). Today I had to take some Benadryl which made me fall asleep and then get the fuzzy medicine head feeling all evening. But that's not been the main problem. What's been the issue is me and sleep.
Lately, the moment my eyes open, I'm tired. It's like I didn't sleep. Even though I did, and slept enough (sometimes even more then enough), I'm exhausted. I'm not waking up throughout the night, I'm not drinking caffine or anything (I avoid it as a general rule), I'm not having nightmares, I'm just not feeling rested. By about 3-4pm in the afternoon, I literally have to fight not to take a nap. Most days during the week I will actually doze off without meaning to! It's horrible. I just don't ever feel rested and it's very frustrating. It makes things like tomorrow even more stressful for me because I know how poorly I feel when I get enough sleep and there's no way I'll get enough for tomorrow. I don't know if it's my diet (I really eat such tiny, tiny amounts of food, not because I starve myself, just because I'm not very hungry), or if it's mental, or if there's a physical side to it. I really just don't know. I've started taking my vitamins again in hopes that might help, but I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm slowly getting panicked about it. I don't know how to describe it. Anyway, I'm really worried and it's been going on for weeks and I'm just sick of being tired all the time. I slept from 3am - 11:30am this morning, then napped on the couch from about 4:30pm-5:30pm when my Love picked me up and put me in bed where I slept from 5:30pm-6:30pm and had he not woken me up, I would have kept sleeping! Granted, today was a smidge more then normal because the Benadryl made me drowsy, but still! That's insane. I feel tired from the moment I open my eyes until the moment I close them. That's just not right.
In totally unreleated news, fellow migraine-sufferers and hypersensitive MSG haters, they now make Doritos without MSG! I about had a heart attack in Publix yesterday. Cool Ranch and White Cheddar flavors. I bought one of each. So far, I've almost finished off the Cool Ranch ones. They're damned good too. When I started getting migraines at age 16, I had to give up just about every chip product on the market. Cheetos and Doritos were the hardest and I have never been able to walk past them in the isle without missing them. My Love even avoids buying them so as not to make me suffer. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that they have finally, finally done something about it. They call them Naturals, but I don't care. The whole fancy-schmancy organic stuff is nice, whatever, they just don't have MSG in them! That is the real beauty. A snack I can eat again. Oh joyous day.
Anyway, that's it. Gotta get thinking about bed, despite the fact I don't want to in the slightest, since it's an early morning tomorrow. Ta for now.
