Sidhe!Shots - Water The third in our Element series! For the next few weeks we will explore air, fire, water, and earth. Represent the idea of Water in your photograph. You may use anything you wish to convey your interpretation.
I'm going to cheat just a little. I took a photo of the breaking surf last week that I like and is perfect for this week's theme. And thus, I'm going to use it.
Retreating... I think I've just been hiding from the world a little bit. I didn't even turn on my computer today until now when I felt guilty for not checking my mail and my site.
Love didn't feel well today; all sick to his stomach and he ended up staying home from work. I was supposed to call Kush's old vet today to try to get some information in the on-going Gracie saga but I never got around to it. There's really no excuse, I just didn't.
I'm in one of those states of mind I guess where I just can't bring myself to interact with the world. I want to hide in my shell. It's like a social anxiety, except I don't have it normally. Sometimes I think when I get low and more depressed then normal, the fact that I live like a hermit in my apartment and never leave is damaging to my psyche. I totally want to withdraw from the world and it's like, physically painful - actually stresses me out and puts my stomach into knots - to even think about something as small as making a phone call. It sucks but at the same time, it's so large and looming, I can't get past it.
Poor Gracie. We don't know what's going on. $55 in vet visits, run-around by the group we adopted her from and still we don't know what's wrong with her and we don't know if she's safe to bring out of the one small bedroom she's been living in since we brought her home Sunday. The petstore vet said he thinks its a fungus. Shelter woman says her vet says that it's most likely not and that instead, it's some thing relating to the strength of the sun in Florida (not quite cataracts but that type of UV damage). She also first promised she could get the $30 drops for $8 so we didn't open them or start using them. Then she said that her vet said they wouldn't help anyway because if it is the uber rare fungus thing that the medicine needs to be made specially based on the results of the fungal culture. So, hence the reason I wanted to try to get some general info from my old vet. He's an hour away and I don't have money for another visit so I was hoping I could just find out who's lying and what's actually plausable in this situation.
But I don't know that they'd be willing to even give me info without an office visit. So it stresses me out - makes me feel like a confrontation - and so I don't want to even call. Thus I conviently forget until it's too late to do it.
So she may or may not be contagious. She may or may not need the $30 non-refundable eye drops. She may or may not need $150 fungal culture. And dammit, I'm already out $55 I didn't have to spend and she's still stuck in the one room not interacting with us, not getting used to the apartment and most importantly, not getting familier with Mika. Who, I might add has thrown up her dinner twice yesterday and her lunch this afternoon. Dammit.
It's just so much nicer if I hide away from the world and pretend it just doesn't exist.
Surreal So, a little history. My biological father (hereto called "asshole" for simplicity) and I haven't had any contact in years. At my own chosing. As many of you know, he was abusive to me, my sister and my mother for the first 13 years of my life in every way possible. He made my life a living nightmare. When my mom finally divorced him, I was 13. Howerver, I continued to have contact with him for a few years because he was persistant in his "right" to see me and for those years I was too scared and spineless to stop interacting with him (despite how much I loathed it). Finally though, things reached a breaking point and I had enough.
He moved back to PA - where he is from and where I was born. And that was the last contact I had from him. (Except of course things like him cashing in my pre-paid college fund preventing me from attending college.) He remarried and I don't even have his address. He threw a hissy fit and that was fine with me.
Asshole has a second cousin. And he is married to my mother's sister. (I know it sounds weird, but it's not quite as bad as it sounds.) He's a jerk too. (We'll call him "Loser") So the other day, Loser calls my mom and leaves a message on her answering machine. Turns out that Asshole's mother died the other day.
Now, a side note. I kept in loose contact with my paternal grandparents even after I broke it off with Asshole. I would send the occassional card (though they stopped sending them to me) but since they were up in PA, and I was here in FL, I didn't see them for over ten years. About six years ago I went on vaction to Canada. And I called to make arrangements to drive through my home town and stop to see them; stay over for a night for a visit. Keep in mind, this was the first chance in all those years that I was anywhere near the state and that I was willing to make a special trip just to stop by.
They told me they couldn't be there. That they had plans to visit Asshole's sister who lives in Ohio. Something they did regularly and something that wouldn't be a problem to postpone by a couple of days. They weren't even willing to wait two days so that they could see me for the first time in over ten years.
That was the last contact I had with them. It was clear they didn't want me involved in their lives; that I was a "black sheep" of the family and that as far as they were concerned, I didn't exist. Fine. I had stopped trying to be nice and go out of my way to accomediate them and maintain a civil relationship.
Flash forward to the yesterday. And my mom's message on her answering machine. Asshole wasn't man enough to call himself. He had to have his cousin call my mom to tell me that my paternal grandmother was dead. And since neither of us has his address, we can't even send a condolence card (which, for sure, will be another trantrum by him and more proof that I'm a horrid child). He can't have it both ways though. If he wishes to hide and act like I don't exist, he can't very well expect me to talk through the relay of my mom to my uncle to him when matters like this happen.
The surreal part is that last night I went online to my hometown newspaper's website. And I looked in the obits. Sure enough, hers was in there. And, amazingly enough, I was even listed as one of three surviving grandchildren. I wasn't expecting to see that. I felt surely, they would have "failed" to include me. There's something rather odd about seeing your name written in context of a death notice, about people you are uttely unconnected to and uninterested in.
I'm not happy she died, nor am I upset over it. I know she had been sick for many years and was in-and-out of hospitals near continuously. She was 85 and so it wasn't any big surprise with her poor health and her age that this was due to happen. I don't wish her any ill-will, nor even do I want to rub it in Asshole's face that he lost his mother. In honesty, I can't really work up any feelings on the matter at all. It just doesn't seem like it applies to me. Since these people removed themselves from my life so many years ago, there's no connection and certainly no familiarity.
All the more reason it's surreal to see your name in a paper that's so severed from that life and those ties.
Yeah that's an indicator of how things went. First, the good news. Her heart sounds fine, her lungs clear and though she's little, she's not underweight. (She came in at a whopping 7.20lbs) The bad news though is that her ears are dirty (though not infected) and her eyes have what appears to be a fungal infection. There are cloudy spots on her eyes that we noticed last night. Immediately I was worried. One of the reasons I had held off on really getting the two kitties to interact was I wanted to make sure she got a clean bill of health. I knew she had tested negative for Feline Lukemia and Feline AIDS but still, there's more problems with kitties then just those big two.
I called today to try to make an appointment. My mom ended up driving down to take me in this afternoon rather then try to manage the car situation for a 9am appointment tomorrow. I brought up the eye situation of course and there the problems began.
They immediately ruled out cataracts because they were too surface. They thought that it might be small ulcers which occur from trama or scratches to the eyes. He couldn't tell for sure though and wanted to do a test where they dye the eyes and look at them with blacklight. If it was ulcers, then they'd absorb the dye and we'd know for sure. But they didn't. Which lead him to believe it was a fungal infection. He wanted to do a fungal culture but that's $150. We most assuredly don't have that much money. So, instead, I have some eye drops I need to put in her eyes three times a day and he needs to see her again on Saturday.
Two problems with this. One is that she went absolutely insane during the eye drop process and tore a huge gash in my left wrist. It really hurts. And so trying to get drops in her eyes three times a day is going to be near impossible. The second is that today's visit - even with the free new pet adoption office visit - ended up costing $55 and we have to pay for another visit on Saturday. We don't have that kind of money. We already shelled out $50 in adoption fees for her and the very next day, another $55. This really sucks.
So, tonight I think I'm going to have to call the woman we adopted her from. She works with a company that's deals in stray adoptions. And while I know they don't give any health guarentee, there is a reasonable expectation that the cat is not ill, sick or a hazard in any way to our other cat. Had we let them interacted more, it could have easily meant Mika would get infected and sick as a result of them letting us take Gracie when she was ill. This pisses me off. It's bad enough that we're spending money we don't have for what should have been a healthy cat, but then you add insult to injury and put my other cat at risk? Hell no. That's not cool.
Oh yeah, there are three problems with this. The third being that she has to stay all week in the backroom - we can't let her around the apartment and we can't acclamate the cats together yet. Not fun for Gracie and stressful on Mika.
Needless to say I'm very frustrated with this situation and don't know exactly how to proceed with the adoption group to ensure that they take some responsibility for her medical costs and health. This isn't what we signed up for. And while I don't want to just give her back, I also don't want to endanger Mika's health either. What a miserable experience.
Beach Sunset Photos Because you simply can't have enough short, image-only posts in one day, here's another. Friday we stopped by the beach just in time for sunset. And while, as Florida sunsets go, it was less then thriller, there are still a few nice pictures out of it as well as two more which are from much more spectacular sunsets the night before. So I've updated the photo page with the group of shots.
Introducing Gracie! So last Sunday (a week ago), we're at the Pet Supermarket. I always glance at the kitties they have there. Well, unlike how I normally ooh and aww over the kitties, my Love was immediately drawn to one.
We came back yesterday and looked at her again. And that was it. He wanted her. So we arranged to pick her up today. You have to understand, he is the guy that likes but never wanted a cat. Let alone two. And he has never felt a desire to adopt an animal for himself. (Mika was very much for me.) Something about her he just liked and connected with.
-- Meet Gracie --
So, now we have a second kitty in the house. Oy. It's an interesting situation right now because she's in the second bedroom, closed off so Mika and her don't try to kill each other. We have no idea how Mika is with other cats so it should be an interesting couple of days. We're letting them see each other a little and sniff - with all the requisite hissing and growling - but we're keeping them apart for now. Slowly introduce her to the new environment and get Mika to accept another feline being around.
I've never done this before so wish me luck.
edit: Oh yeah, she's TINY. Probably half the size of Mika at best. And she's two years old. (Mika's four now.)
Impressive Skill My Love just made a new drawing. This time, he turned his artistic talents on me. He found this old photo of me from 2002 and turned it into this:
It's just a photo of the drawing through the glass frame so it's no where near as detailed as the sketch is, but still...wow! He's good isn't he? :)
Summer Change Yes it's changed. And yes this was supposed to be my summer layout. Actually I wanted to use a totally different picture. But I couldn't get it to work out. Though the problem here is that the damned thing is too long and its scrolling. Fuck. Same damned dimensions I used last time and it's scrolling. Bah.
Le Sigh So we went around and looked at apartments today. Fell in love with two of them. Problem is that even with all the moving discounts that the various apartments were offering, everything is at least $100 more a month then we're paying now. And that's just fucking impossible. It's so frustrating. We found literally exactly what we want. It has a loft (which we need for Love's drafting table and two computer desks) and even a roman tub in the bathroom. These things are so beyond rare in this area, I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it is to find them both in one apartment. And in fact, we found TWO very similar and gorgeous, new and amazing loft apartments both in the same general area. And both are more then we can afford.
We don't want to move into another ghetto apartment complex. Dammit. I'm so sick of the bullshit we've endured. I want to live somewhere nice and decent; where people don't get arrested for drug dealing in front of you building; where convicts don't break down doors after being evicted; where your floors aren't sagging, you don't have people leaving their trash out for days in front of their doors and there's no weekend ritual of carrying passed out people up the stairs in front of your door. Is that really so much to ask for? Every complex over by us is 20+ years old. The buildings suck, they have no features, they are run-down and just craptacular. And they charge out the ass for them.
The apartments over by where my friend Rand lives are new - most built within the last 4 or 5 years. They have higher-scale tenents. They offer modern appliances and full-sized washers and dryers! They're beautifully kept and they have pools which aren't closed because of toxic bacteria and fecal matter. And we can't afford them. I don't want to move from this shithole right into another shithole just because there are no other places. But we also can't put ourselves out $100 more a month on rent plus take on the new bill of water (which is factored into our rent currently). We have times where we can barely get by with the rent we pay now. So there's no way we can do even more...
It's so hard. If we had two reliable vehicles then this wouldn't be as difficult. I could get a part-time job and even if it only paid $6/hour, then it might be the difference we need. Then we'd only have to worry about our shitty credit and trying to get approved (our problem last time we tried to move was the insane amount of security deposit they wanted). But with our car not only barely working, but dying, and with us looking to move further away from Love's work, it becomes an almost impossible task. I'm just so stuck. We're mired in a situation we can't get out of. Everything relies on something else before it can be improved but none of those are attainable for the same reason. It's endless circles - round and round we go spinning our wheels but never able to accomplish anything.
Dammit. It's all so disheartening. And my slightly improved mood and sunk back down to the point of deep sorrow again. It wasn't too many nights ago I sobbed for hours over the frustration of it all. How badly I just didn't want to live anymore; how I wished I were able to simply die. (I must note that the desire to die has been with me pretty much every day of my life. It's much different then being suicidal as I can not harm myself like that, nor do I want to. I simply don't want to live. It may be hard to understand but that's the best I can do.) I thought I had come out of it with the chance of moving on basically the complex's dime but now it feels like even with that kind of help it's never going to be. It's still out of reach and it floods those feelings of utter hopelessness forward again.
I'm just so tired of it all. Why can't I have something nice in my life? Why can't we just find a place we love and want to live and actually be able to afford it? Why does it have to be so hard just to survive? Not live and most certainly not thrive, but just get by?
