Day of Hell It's like the most beautiful day of the year outside today - well, was, now that the sun's gone down and I've missed it all - and instead of spending it at the book fair like I was looking forward to, I spent it in the bathroom being every kind of sick for hour upon hour all day long. It was so bad for awhile I really thought I was going to have to go to the ER.
This is the first I've even been out of bed. (Excluing time being sick that is.) What a fucking miserable, horrible day.
Laundry Day I'm over at my friend Rand's house. He came by and picked me up on his lunch hour so I could do some laundry. Sadly, since we lack a w/d in our new apartment, the funds to get a w/d, and any laundry facilities on property, I have to rely on the kindness of my friend in order to keep us in clean clothes and towels. It's no fun, I'll tell you. I've never not had a w/d in any home or apartment I've lived in, so I never realized just how difficult it can be when you don't have the option of tossing in a load or two when you're running low on something or you need something clean for the next day. And I have no idea when we'll ever be able to save up to buy our own. Money is tighter then ever and we're further behind then ever. It's so disheartening. Add to that the state of the car and how it's barely working and how we can't only not afford to fix it, but we have no chance of affording a replacement, and the situation gets all the more dire.
I'm so worn out. It seems like we bleed and struggle for one step forward and ten things come crashing onto our heads and ultimately put us so much further behind then we were when we started. I really have such a sense of, "why bother?" and, "why even try?" because it just seems like it's so much easier to give up. It's all going to fail and hurt anyway, so why keep going?
Needless to say, I'm having a hell of a time with my depression right now. I had been keeping in check since the move, but it's back and I'm more hopeless then ever. I really feel like I'm just going through the motions as parts of me break away every day. My health degrades, my options dwindle to nothing and my world gets heavier and more painful each day. So what's the point? There really doesn't seem to be one. I don't know how to deal with it anymore and for anything that I need to try to work to fix, a dozen things stand in my way that I can't fix. I need a job but I can't without transportation but I can't have transportation because I don't have the money which is why I need the job. And I need medical help with my problems - which grow worse - but I don't have the money and I can't work enough or long enough to get health insurance because my health makes it impossible for me to put in those hours. I've lost so many jobs over the last years because my health gets in the way that I'm gun shy and I know that it's just going to keep happening that I don't even want to start. Why put myself through it?
I don't know. It's just all going down the drain and I'm sick of trying to tread water. I can't keep my head above the surface anymore and I'm just so very tired.
All Is Not Well note: I've been trying to post this for about two hours now but blogger hasn't been working.
I'm scared. No, strike that, I'm terrified. Ignorance, hatred, stupidity condem me to a bleak and hopeless future. Not just four more years, but decades if he gets to appoint a new Supreme Court Justice. Second-class citizen by sheer virtue of gender. A loss of the sovereign rights over my own body and my own life. These are the horrors I shall enjoy because of this outcome.
White, rich, christian male? This is the time of your life. All the right-wing, ultra-conservative, wipe-your-ass-on-the-working-poor, hate-them-damned-fag years you could hope for! Get them uppity women back in line; repeal their rights, prevent the rights of citizens who don't conform to your bigoted and narrow view. Barefoot and pregnant and shit-out-of-luck along with the gays.
I fear what my life will now bring. I fear the quality of life I'll be able to live. I fear for the next round of tyranny; the next supression of freedoms for "our own safety" the next time we're told we're un-American if we don't swallow the lies.
What's the difference between America and Nazi Germany? America and Red China? America and Communist Russia? Civil Liberty. So where does this leave us now without any...?
The world looks at us and shakes it's collective head. Sighing, trembling, raging and some combination therein. They can't grasp how we can be so fucking stupid; how we can accept these horrors, lies and losses.
You know what? I can't grasp it either.
It's a great big, beautiful tomorrow. Just not here in the Land of the Free. Didn't you hear? "One Nation Under God" is only one god - a bigotted, misogynistic, fear-loving, lying, hateful war-mongeral of a self-imposed "deity" by the name of George W. Bush.
All is not well. The country bleeds and each of us feels the wounds. To say this has pushed me to the edge of my depression is an understatement. The battle is lost and I cry and sob and feel it eat me peice by peice. There is no hope, there is no life, there is no point. More then ever, I simply want to die and I'm not strong enough to hold the line when faced with the world crashing around me. I can't endure this ontop of everything else and I fear I won't see much longer. Spare me the term and spare me the death rattle, I want off, I want out, I want this over. I can't do it and I no longer even want to fight. What's the point? None of it matters anyway and evil always wins in the end anyway.
I've been remiss... In an attempt to think about something - anything - beyond the election tonight, here's some well overdue thank you's. In no particular order...
Jeava, thank you for the lovely Halloween wishes. Very nice of you and quite a surprise. (And kitties do rule!)
Kathryn, your card was lovely. And your words unbelievably touching. I don't know what I've done to warrent such sweet comments, but thank you. You brought such a smile to my face.
Alicia, thank you for your thoughtfulness in sending the bath salts. Sadly, one of the little bags must have gotten wet from humidity or something so it overtook the entire package, but I'm hoping I can salvage the Lemon and the Lanvender ones. Either way, it was so nice of you to send some from your personal collection.
I know I'm forgetting someone. I'm sorry, I don't have it all in front of me. I checked the PO box last week when I voted and I couldn't believe there were several letters in there for me. I love mail and even the smallest little card really brightens my day. So thank you. You are all so kind.
Edit... I forgot. Something to give back if anyone is interested. I still have about six Gmail invites. Free to anyone who requests one. Just comment and I'll get in touch.
Vote For A Change Alright people. Everyone knows today is the day. Election Day in the United States. So get out there and vote. I don't want to hear that the lines are too long or that you don't feel like finding your precict. I don't want to hear excuses that it's a waste of time or that one vote doesn't count. EVERY vote counts. There's no reason not to stand up, join with your fellow citizens and make change happen. We can't do it alone but we can do it together.
Don't forget MoveOn PAC for information, articles and resources.
And, if you have ANY problems with someone trying to prevent you from voting, or lying to you, or attempting to swing your vote, call toll free 1-866-our-vote for help and ways to report problems.
Let the president answer our anarchy. Strap him with AK-47. Let him go fight his own war, let him impress daddy that way. No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our soil. N o more psychological warfare to trick us to thinking that we ain't loyal if we don't serve our own country; we're patronizing a hero. Look in his eyes, it's all lies
If you want more facts, check out Mc Sweeney's Daily Reasons to Dispatch Bush - some of these are so painful to read you'll wonder how the country has survived these last four years.
Check out the US Commission on Cival Rights report - Bush is a failure.
The United States Commission on Civil Rights, a bipartisan agency established by Congress, has prepared a report that is sharply critical of the Bush administration's civil rights record. The report "finds that President Bush has neither exhibited leadership on pressing civil rights issues, nor taken actions that matched his words." The commission's analysis highlights the administration's lack of action on voting rights and election reform, as well as on equal education and affirmative action. The report also criticizes the administration for facilitating racial profiling after September 11, and criticizes the EPA for its lack of attention to the impact of environmental contamination on minority communities.
On October 9, after Republican members of the USCCR objected to the timing, the commission voted to postpone final approval of the report until after the election. A draft remains available on the commission's website.
We need change. We need our liberties back; our self-respect back; our place as not a world-bully but a world leader. We need to care about the air we breath, the water we drink and the soil we grow our food in. We need to spend money on education, healthcare and taking care of our citizens here at home - not spend hundreds of billions of dollars on a badly planned and mismanaged war overseas.
Vote. For for a change. Get out and do it now. We get a chance to change the course of our future and we need to embrace that chance and ensure we make it count.
November already Sheesh. November. Blah. This year's almost gone.
Last night I went over to my friend Rand's house, dressed up in my "Midnight Priestess" costume from a few years ago and gave out candy. The guys laughed because everytime the doorbell rang I went running down the hall. We brought over our two pumpkins and put them outside (since Rand didn't do any decorating, at least it was something outside) and everyone loved them. People kept asking me who made them and I proudly got to say I did! One boy asked me if I was an artist. Even the parents oohed and aaahed over them which made me really proud.
One kid cracked me up. I open the door and he peeks past me into the dinning room/sitting room (what we call "the useless room" in his house since it's one of those second, formal living room spaces that are never really used by anyone), and says, "Woah. Nice house." Ha! Kids! Then all the other little kids around him parrot him saying, "Yeah nice house" too. It was a riot.
After that, we watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, hit the store for some food and called it a night. I was really sleepy and went to bed pretty early - just a little bit after my Love. The kitties were being terrible last night and woke me up like four times. Getting into things, knocking things over, scratching at things, etc. Ugh. Sometimes they make me so mad. You tell them, "No!" and you squirt them with water or give them a smack on the backside, lay back down and five minutes later, they're getting into stuff they shouldn't be again. Gracie is definately a bad influence on Mika. Mika used to calmly sleep the night but now they tussle and play (and sometimes play turns into fighting) and get up on counters and bang cabinets as they open them - yeah, Mika taught Gracie how to do that one. *sighs* - all night long.
I really think that in the coming holidays, I'm going to try to meet some local people or look into some local events. I'm feeling the need to expand and test the waters on perhaps a group ritual or something. I've never done anything like that and I just can't make myself get into a ritual just for me - it's hard; it feels like eh, there's no point 'cause it'd just be work and it'd only be for me, so why bother? I don't want end up with a Fluff Bunny group or anything because, there's definately still a level of just...bull that I won't cross, but I'm starting to think that I'm never going to find some local, Pagan friends and engage in the Sabbats more unless I get out there and meet some people. Dunno. I guess after so many years of being so rigidly Solitary, that I'm feeling the need to connect with other like-minded people and learn and observe and even take on a more active role. I'd like to better celebrate my beliefs I suppose is what I'm saying and I don't really know how, nor have the inclination to do so by myself. *shrugs*
Beyond that, oy. The damned weather. It's November for crying out loud and look at the current temps:
And if that isn't bad enough, the high today is supposed to reach 88F (31C) and tomorrow 87F (30C)! Ugh! Fucking stop already. Normally by the last week or two of October, it's started to cool down. But we haven't had any cool days yet. None!
The forecast is still hot all this week. We may get below 80F (26.6C) by the end of the week, but ugh.....dammit. I can't tell you how sick we are of the heat. We don't get very long of the cool weather here. And we look forward to it for about nine months. So to have it be near-record high temperatures still without any relief, it's beyond frustrating.
Alright, well, I just ran out of things to ramble about. You know that stage where you stop typing and kinda drift off, forgetting you were doing something? Yeah, that's been me the last few minutes. Zoning out. Guess that means we'll call this entry a wrap.
Blessed Samhain! ...or for you mundanes (heh), Happy Halloween! (For those of you wondering what Samhain is, check this out. Great articles on it for you.)
Last night I finished our pumpkins. Mine was hard but no problems. Love's...well, he had difficulties. So I improvised and finished his for him as well. They came out pretty good if I do say so myself.
This one's mine - Dead men tell no tales
This one's Love's; he was ready to junk it but I fixed it - Mickey Mouse
Yeah for pumpkin carving!
Sadly, nothing interesting going on tonight. We'll probably go over to our friend Rand's house to give out some candy. Right now, we're going to run out to the stores for a few errands and I'm going to wear a pair of my horns. Why not? It's Halloween!
You can't see it, but I'm also wearing my Walt Disney World Pirates of the Caribbean shirt which has a skull and crossbones on it and which actually says, "Dead men tell no tales." Heh.
