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Blogroll Me!
There are people on the net that have nothing better to do with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
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Friday, January 21, 2005
Slowly Passing Day
For starters, it's currently Thursday, January 20th at about 3:08pm. This won't post until tomorrow though because I've closed down my journal for the day in protest. Being homebound, there's not much I can do in person, but at the very least, my web presence can reflect my disgust. As I go to start typing, the large tabby here decided to jump up on my lap. She's sitting on me as I type around her, alternatly nipping at my hand and nudging her face into mine. What is it with felines knowing the exact moment your hands are busy and deciding that is the time they want lovin'? *smiles* I could sit out on the couch for hours and she'd not come by but sit down at the pc and start to type? *poof* Instant Mika. Little Gracie's been spending a lot of time lately following me around and even laying on my lap. Which is really unlike her. She's more of a lay against you kind of feline. Oops, Mika decided that eating some invisible piece of fluff on the carpet was a better option then my lap. She's like that though. (Both the eating things off the floor and the stopping by for only a few minutes before leaving again.) I would of course like it if she were more willing to hang out for longer periods of time, but hey, kitties do what they want, not what you want. First rule you have to learn. I was in such a deep sleep this morning. All these odd dreams I can't remember now. Love called at noon and though the ringer was off (trying to avoid being woken up by the debt collectors calling for the woman I don't know), the volume on the answering machine was apparently really loud. So I woke up in a start from hearing him leaving a message. I don't know when I would have woken up otherwise. Normally, I'm up by about 11 or so. I'm still tired though. In that run-down, almost feel like you're getting sick or getting over being sick kind of way. I don't know why either. My lower back's all sore too. Again, for no reason. Maybe it's just been the colder weather. While I like it, maybe my body doesn't and wants to hibernate. I don't know. I just feel really...crappy... for some reason and it's no one thing I can put my finger on and say, "ah-HA!" It doesn't help that I've felt even more lethargic and very spacey lately either. Hard to focus on what could be the problem when I can't really focus on anything. I really should go take a shower. The hot water should help and I always feel better when I feel "clean." You know? That fresh feeling when you just get out of the shower? Maybe it'll perk me up a bit. I think I'm mentally just numb and bored and that's not helping either. There's literally nothing to do and nothing that seems interesting. Sitting around, watching tv and mindlessly refreshing the same sites over and over just isn't even remotely cutting it anymore. It's why we need to get another car. Or get a few hundred bucks to try to fix Love's car which hasn't been driven in two years. We don't even know what's wrong with it at this point and haven't had the money to take it in to get it looked at, let alone get it fixed. In fact, it's still parked at the old apartment's lot. How sad it that? I say that we should invest his tax return into getting it running so I can get a part time job. He wants to pay some of the money back we owe to his parents and my mom. But I look at it like it's not enough to pay everyone back and it doesn't actually improve anything. Whereas, getting the car fixed gets me a job and then we'll have extra income and can pay people back in payments out of that income. I haven't sold him on that though. He thinks it's just slacking on debts. I think it's actually killing two birds with one stone. That and I don't think he realizes just how desperate I'm becoming. How bad this total isolation is fucking with me physically, mentally and emotionally. I can't just keep going on this way. I literally feel like there's not one thing in the world for me to live for; not one thing in the world to wake up for and not one drop of hope of it getting better. So for him to not get that and to not want to help me at the same time we can help ourselves, seems like the final straw. Like the absolute dead end. The sheer thought of seeing the rest of my life as this meaningless stretch of days that are each no different from the one before is literally enough to make me want to just end it all. It's like this is finally a chance to try to start rebuilding and I don't think he sees it that way at all. I don't know. I just know I simply can not live like this anymore. Alright. Time to end here for now. I'm going to bathe and hopefully, if not feel better emotionally, at least try to feel better physically. I'm saving this as a draft, so I might add more later and post it after midnight tonight. 9:52pm: Owing to a wicked craving all day for cupcakes, the fact that tomorrow is finally payday and there was enough in the paypal account for $2.00 of yummy goodness, I get dressed, head out to the supermarket, get to the bakery...only to discover they're sold out for the night of cupcakes. Since when the run on cupcakes? Bah. So, no cupcakes for me. Bummer.
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