28 year old
Pagan female who lives in Florida with her guy and two cats,
loves Disney, reads fanatically, tinkers in photography and
believes growing up is overrated.
There are people on the net that have nothing better to do
with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
Tooth
Drive:
I need to
raise over $850 for critically needed dental
work. I'll be listing my hand made
jewelry, bracelets,
earrings, necklaces and horns
for sale to try to raise the desperately needed funds.
Every order helps. I can accept paypal payments at
webmaster@giveneyestosee.com
or check/money orders at:
M. Turner
PO Box 1484, Elfers, FL 34684
Thank you for your help and support.
I've also set
up a
tooth fund for anyone
wanted to donate without purchase.
Need a
good webhost?
Try
DreamHost. Use
my linkI'll get a
referal credit which goes straight into the Tooth Fund
as well.
In A Bad Place I've been in a really low period the last week or so. Bummed, depressed, sad. It's a lot of things. I'm heartbroken over five years of work being lost. I'm sickened that all I put into my communites (my ezboards which, along with most of the rest of their network was hacked into nothingness) is just gone. Think about that for a second. Five years. I was twenty-three when I started it. I'm twenty-eight now. I've moved, I've changed different jobs, I've been sick, I've been well, I've had terrible times and I've had good. And I'm only one of ten thousand members on my two forums. We all shared our lives, our hopes, our fears, our questions, our poems, our art, our expression and our selves and it's all gone. It wasn't cheap either and it was only possible thanks to the help of my members. They trusted in me and I trusted in ezboard and now all that money is for nothing. They might as well have thrown it away. If we start over, it'll cost all anew and how can I even begin to ask them to help when the money they gave before (to ezboard directly, not to me) was for nothing?
I'm bummed because I'm so sick of my situation. I'm so tired of being so broke. Tired of being so poor. Tied of having to struggle so much so often. I need a car so I can get a job but I can't get a car without a job. I have no money. None. And the worst credit on the planet from things ten years ago that won't go away. I can't get a loan because I don't have any income. And all my credit mistakes were dumb problems because I was 18 and had six credit cards. I got sick, lost my job and had to give up on my cards. There's bullshit all over my credit report and I can't get it off. There's medical charges I don't even know what they are but every time I challenge them, they come back confirmed. There's fraud that I had removed but is now showing back up. There's a bullshit $900 in fees that an old apartment complex is charging me for no reason. I gave notice, I left at the end of the lease, there was no problem! And yet, they can ruin my life and put this on and I have no way of preventing it. They control it all and there are no checks or balances for any of it. It's not fair and because of all these things I'm not even a second-class citizen, I'm not one at all.
I'm so stuck. I'm down at the bottom of this well and no one even recognizes it anymore. They're so used to it that they don't even pause in the horror of it. They don't recognize that I've been dying piece by piece and part of me screams in rage that the death isn't happen fast enough.
I'm so sad. I'm just so terribly, terribly sad. I want so much more then this. I want a fucking life and I don't have one. I haven't for years. You can't possibly understand what it is to sit at home every single day of your life, alone, without any way of leaving, without any contact to the rest of the world, without any one to talk to, without any social interaction, without any change in your day and without a single reason to even get out of bed unless you've done it. I literally live in a cage. I literally am no better then my cats. I am a bird in a cage and it's been so long that not only have I forgotten how to fly, the very thought terrifies me. I can't even put into words how much this has fucked me up. I have this horrific social anxiety these days. I am terrified of people. I'm terrified of talking to someone even on the phone. And I was never, ever like that. It makes me sick to my stomach to even call and put in an order for pizza or something. I get shakey and miserable. That's not natural but it's because my life isn't either.
It's literally hopeless from where I stand. All these obvious and supposedly "helpful" suggestions amount to nothing. Without a way to leave the house, I can't get a job, I can't bring in any income, I can't get outside of my cage, I can't help our situation, I can't get out of the thousands of dollars of debt I'm in to every single person I know, I can't finish fixing my teeth, I can't get medical care I desperately need, I can't see more then these four walls every moment of my life. There's nothing I can do and no one believes me or no one understands how bad it really is. It's just a given that I'm here in this apartment. It's become normal. But there's nothing normal about it and I'm not even a fraction of the person I used to be. I don't think I'll ever get it back and if I don't get out of this hole I AM going to just die. I can't do it anymore. I can't....
