28 year old
Pagan female who lives in Florida with her guy and two cats,
loves Disney, reads fanatically, tinkers in photography and
believes growing up is overrated.
There are people on the net that have nothing better to do
with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
Tooth
Drive:
I need to
raise over $850 for critically needed dental
work. I'll be listing my hand made
jewelry, bracelets,
earrings, necklaces and horns
for sale to try to raise the desperately needed funds.
Every order helps. I can accept paypal payments at
webmaster@giveneyestosee.com
or check/money orders at:
M. Turner
PO Box 1484, Elfers, FL 34684
Thank you for your help and support.
I've also set
up a
tooth fund for anyone
wanted to donate without purchase.
Need a
good webhost?
Try
DreamHost. Use
my linkI'll get a
referal credit which goes straight into the Tooth Fund
as well.
So Much For That Last night, on the advice of a friend, I went out and bought some melatonin. Anything to help me try to sleep. It's now been literally weeks since I've slept the night through - including weekends. To say I'm exhausted is like saying the Grand Canyon is a dip in the ground.
It didn't work. I woke up at least a dozen times last night between midnight and 7:30am when I finally got up with the alarm. (Though in honesty, I had been pretty much constantly awake since Love's alarm went off at 6am.)
I've never been able to sleep a "normal" schedule in my entire life. I've never been able to "get used to it" as I've always been told (often rudely or dismissively) that I would. And the fact that I've failed to sleep an entire night through pretty much shows what I've said all along. It doesn't matter if I'm tired (I am); it doesn't matter if I relax avoid eating or caffine or change the temp or the lighting or whatever. It's just that my body doesn't get into the right patterns or something. It doesn't get into the right flow of sleep, so I wake up and I can't fall back asleep and I can't maintain sleep and hell, I can't even stay in a dream. (Last night I woke up suddenly and without any reason from one of the only dreams I remember having in over a week.) It's like my body's all screwed up and confused or something.
I'm not a very healthy person. I never have been. And no one ever believes me. Even as a kid I'd have problems with everyone in my life dismissing the fact I generally never felt well. For example, my body temperature is lower then normal. It tends to be around 97.1 or so. So as a child, when I'd have a fever of 99F, my mom would tell me I was ok and to go to school. Yeah if you're temp is normally 98.7 then of course 99F isn't that bad. But when that's a 2-degree fever, it's a little more serious. But she refused to believe me. Or I'd tell her I was getting sick to my stomach from onions. She'd hide them in food and flat-out lie to me that they weren't in the food. She wouldn't believe that they really were making me sick. She just assumed that I didn't like it. So I'd get sick and yet, that wasn't enough to convince her I was right.
It's still this way. Love can't understand or doesn't accept or thinks I'm exaggerating when I say my head can hurt for days at a time, or my stomach is in agony non-stop for days. Or that my neck hurts me every single day of my life but there are times it hurts beyond it's normal pain and beyond the point I know how to tolerate it.
I'm pushing myself so hard. Not for me. I know my limits and I know I'm going to just fall over some day in the not too distant future. I know my body and even though no one else will believe me, I know I'm pushing it more then it can take. But despite the fact that people have seen this happen over and over for years with my health and how little I can handle with it, how many jobs I've lost because of my health (though again, everyone just thinks I'm lazy or I just don't want to do it and they get mad at me for it), it takes me pretty much ending up in the hospital before they believe me. Even then, when I come out, I'm supposed to be alright.
Here's a clue: I'm never alright. I'm always in pain. And it gets worse each year. But no one sees it and no one beleives it and no one says, I'm sorry, I won't push you. My health is chronically poor. I am chronically tired. I am chronically dealing with digestive issues. I get migraines. I am chronically in pain with my neck and shoulder. But, oh, just ignore her. Just don't listen. Just get frustated that she's making it up or exaggerating or get mad that you have to deal with me complaining. (Which I almost never do. I hold it all in because no one wants to hear it.) It's like invisible damage. Like things broken on the inside so no one thinks they're real. It's like the person who tells you off-handedly that "Oh I've had a migraine before!" and thinks it's just a bad headache. Or the person who gets an upset stomach for a day and thinks that's what dealing with the worst digestive system in the world, spending sometimes hours a day in the restroom in pain is the same thing.
My entire body is one massive bruise. Things hurt on my body that don't normally hurt. I'm tired. No, I'm beyond tired. I'm soul-crushing, bone-aching weary. I've been taking so many things to try to get through the day - pepto to make it four hours without needing the bathroom but then I can't use the bathroom so then I'm trying to overcome that in addition to making sure I can make it again the next day; asprin and caffine and things to take the edge off my neck, shoulder, joints, keep me awake long enough for my shift until I can come home and try to collapse for a little while out of desperation but then face another sleepless night all over - that it's all overlapping at this point and I think just making things worse.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to convince someone else that I'm not just making this up. I don't know. I'm just so tired and I feel like I'm fracturing because of it. My whole body and mind feel broken - even more then normal.
