|
|
|
Blogroll Me!
There are people on the net that have nothing better to do with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
|
wishlist and mailing address
Saturday, March 05, 2005
A Little Bit of This
...a little bit of that. Friday, we went to an otherwise utterly lame festival in a neighboring county to catch Bill Miller who was doing a free show. Having just won a Grammy (best Native American album), it was more then a little ghetto of an event, but apparently, he got paid well to show up. There weren't many people there, and he didn't want everyone all sitting out in the chairs where he said he couldn't even see us, so he invited everyone up and we sat on the steps of the stage. It was cool. I took some photos and as soon as I get my pc back and can upload them, I'll share. He was really good and did a very bluesy/rocky set. Good stuff. And despite the lameo setting, it was nice to get out and really do something. Especially at the economic price of free. Today, we had a few errands to run - standard stuff like get the kitties food for the week - but really didn't do much since everyone is super dead broke. It's rent week for us which is always tight. You know how it goes. Some weeks you've got more cash on hand then others. So some weeks it's little to no entertainment budget, others a bit more. We played some Champions Of Norrath which is really fun. It's hard to find a good dungeon crawl that three people can play. After we beat X-Men Legends that I got for xmas, we've been looking for something else. And at $19.99, it was an inexpensive solution. We picked it up last week or the week before and played it some then, but haven't played it all week, so it was fun to play it again. I had to stop though for awhile. I laid down and tried to rest because my head really started to hurt. I've had problems all this week with the lurking migraine that won't fully leave and then which flares up. It always seems to happen that way though when it's that week. I know it's a change in hormones added to the not taking my Pill that week. Hopefully, starting again tomorrow, we'll move back away from the migraines. It's like my body simply doesn't like the change from taking it every day to the week where I don't. If I had the ability to experiment with other pill options, something like those four cycle a year things might help but it's WAY too risky when I know this one works and I get it for free from the health department. Just in the meantime, I have to deal with migraines all week once a month. What can you do... We tried to work on my pc today. Rand had a HD for us to use, but it kept totally fritzing out while we were trying to format it. So, tomorrow, the guys are going to work on it in the morning and see what they can do. HOPEFULLY, I'll have my pc back tomorrow and can start getting everything reinstalled. I've been so out of touch for so long.... Not being able to get back to emails, not reading or commenting on blogs, no ability to chat with anyone, no access to updating my sites...ugh. Just so out of touch. I hate that feeling. Cross your fingers. If they can get it all working tomorrow, I'll be one happy camper. (With a ton of work ahead of me but hopefully, a stable pc when all is said and done.) Sheesh. For not having much to talk about, I managed to write one hell of a rambling entry, hu? I'll wrap up here I guess since there's not really much more to say. Hopefully, I'll be seeing you from MY pc tomorrow. Night.
Friday, March 04, 2005
More of the same
Couldn't sleep last night. Was sitting here, in the living room, watching channel after channel turn to infomercials and paid programming until about 4:30am. I finally went to lay down, though it took awhile to drift off into sleep. I just couldn't stop thinking. Over and over these dark thoughts just kept circling in my head. I want my pc back. I want to be able to update my site. I don't know what the status of getting a replacement hard drive is at the moment either. See, it's a complicated situation. I had Win98SE forever - way longer then I should of simply because I didn't want to deal with changing over - on a 20gig hard drive that was down to about 300 megs of space. It was also really buggy from years of program installs and uninstalls and it got to a point where I couldn't use my hardware because there weren't drivers made for Win98SE anymore. So, we added a 40gig hard drive and set it up as the primary. Installed WinXP on it and put my old drive in as secondary. It has all of my html files, photos, etc. on it. So, C: is 40gigs, is using about 20gigs between OS, programs and my music files for the iPod and E: is 20gigs and using all 20gigs for all my photos, webpages, etc. C: has gone bad. All of the problems I've been having apparently trace back to the hard drive slowly failing, corupt files and bad sectors. At this point, I need to replace C: with a new primary drive, something the same size at least, to start up again from scratch. Reinstall the OS, all the programs, etc. Until then, I don't have a pc at all. Bleck. It's wearing on me. Just one of many things that add up to this mood. Anyway, I'm tired. Still chilled and can't get warm. Just ate something since I pretty much only had a bowl of cereal yesterday. Frustated. Tired. Worn to the bone. Weary and seeking oblivion. Like everything in life though, it elludes me. I should be used to lacking, disappointment and desiring things that I'll never have. Somehow though, I'm not. I don't know that I know how to get used to being without the things I need in life. Being without basic survival requirements. Being without solace. Just being without. Just another thing I don't have.
Depths
Dark and dank. Deep. Times are bad. Things hurt. Physically and emotionally. I feel myself sliding down again; slipping into that dark place within me. Where it hurts and where I find myself rubbed to raw nerves and overloadings of sensations to the point where none of it makes any sense anymore. Where I can't seperate any of it and it all just overwhelms me. Where I find myself drowning in this inky blackness. And I seriously, deeply and frightenly find myself daydreaming not about light and life, but death and bringing an end to it all. I look around and see these insurmountable obsticals; the piles that crush me over and over. Lacking money for rent, facing losing my cable again, charges and unexpected expenses, no money for doctors, pain, suffering, inability to buy food, to keep my head above these waves that just crush at me; pounding me again and again until I am battered and senseless. Everything comes on at once as it always does; too much to handle, too much to bear. It's hell and I am so tired of it all. I find I just can't handle it. And I can feel the pieces shattering within me. Fracturing. I am broken. And I break further. And it hurts. It hurts so badly. I can feel these slithers inside my mind and I know they are slowly driving me mad. Fully, and without metaphor; stripped of any fancy words, mad. I am losing my mind from this depression. From this sorrow. You hear words like "nervous breakdown" and you wonder how deep the pain can go before you really are what they would label you if they had a hint of how deep the suffering and the creeping insanity goes. Do those words mean anything to anyone? Depression doesn't mean anything to people these days...it's just a word that gets tossed around. It's a catch-all; a blurb; a sensational headline used to the point of meaninglessness. But for those who feel it; experience it; it engulfs you and your life. It encompasses every moment and every thought is tainted by it's darkness. How do I put into words the sensation of wanting to scream and scream as long as and loud as I can until I can't draw air to scream any longer? How can I express the burning need to close my eyes and literally never open them again? How do I put forth the seriousness of my unending need to shut down, turn off and stop being here in reality. I don't want it and it gets harder every moment to continue to hold on. It's like I hold on out of habit rather then real desire. I want these fractures to just reach that critical point where it fully and completely breaks me. So I don't have to feelit anymore. It's so wrong to say part of me was excited about the pain this morning. Excited in the sick hope that it would kill me in my sleep. I say this and it sounds so absurd, and it sounds so fake but part of me really hoped that it would be an easy way out. Oh gods I hurt. I don't want to feel any of this anymore. I can't do it. I just can't. I can't I can't.
Scary Morning
I woke up early this morning (like 6:30am early) with some of the most intense and horrific pain I'd ever felt. My stomach hurt so bad that I couldn't even breathe. It felt like knives were piercing every inch of my stomach from the inside. I broke out in a cold sweat, my hearing fuzzed over with a pulsing, rushing sound of blood in my ears and I started shaking uncontrollably. I cried as I tried to make it to the restroom thinking maybe I was going to be sick or something. I was terrified it was something like my appendix. All I could think of was horrifying scenes of the hospital, the ER, sugery, etc. It took me forever to make it back into the bedroom and another forever to manage to lay back down. Moving was literal agony and the act of trying to make it from a sitting position on the bed to a laying one was hell. Then, when I was laying down, it hurt worse and I had to fight to curl on my side where the pain lessened a fraction. If I barely breathed and didn't move, I could almost endure it. All I wanted was to try to fall back asleep in hopes it would go away. That or, if it was my appendix, that it would just kill me in my sleep. Either way, I couldn't take it. Finally, I did drift off. And, miraculously, when I woke up, the pain was all but gone. I don't know why it was so bad and I don't know what caused it, but even having dealt with ulcers since I was 13, migraines since I was 16, I've never had such intense and horrific pain. I've had an upset stomach on and off most of the day but thankfully no more of that can't-move-or-even-breathe pain. I was just so scared. I didn't want to end up in the ER. Just so terrifying. I haven't done much today. Just take it easy. Understandably. I'm hoping that I might be able to get a replacement hard drive tomorrow and if so, I'll be able to work on getting my system back this weekend. Man, I hope so. I miss it. And I have updates I want to do - photos, PhoenixFire Designs updates, etc. It's going to be so much work getting it all back from scratch, but ugh, I can't wait to have my pc again. Anyway, just wanted to right a little entry since I hadn't yet today and since I wanted to make a note of this stomach problem in case something else happens again later. Ugh. Which, dear gods, I hope it doesn't.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
No Pc Blues
Day Two. No pc. Not just an unstable pc, but no pc at all. Bah. Worried about how I'm going to get money for my domain hosting costs. I can't even update my PhoenixFire site to try to sell things to raise the money because I can't upload photos from my camera, let alone edit them or make/update pages nor upload them to my domain. Another bah. Feeling really lonely. No one commented on my last entry. At all. Which makes me sad. I thought when I logged in today, I'd have a message or two to look forward to. But...nope. I guess I just feel really alone. I'm cold today. Can't get rid of this chill. It's only 50-something outside (compared to the fact it's been well into the low 80's pretty much the entire month of February) and it was 40-something overnight. The apartment just won't warm up and neither can I. Took a long, hot shower, but I couldn't hold on to the warmth more then a few minutes after I left the steamy bathroom. I even turned the heat on to try to get some of the chill out of the room but it's not helping. I've noticed that this apartment doesn't retain heat at all. It stays pretty cool, but not warm when you put the heat on. If the heat isn't running, there's just a coldness immediately to the air. It stinks. Had a miserable migraine yesterday and into the night. Tossed and turned all night because it just kept waking me up. This morning, when Love got up to get ready for work, it was still there. He gave me a migraine ice to put on my forehead (one of the only things that helps me fall asleep when I have a migraine) and I managed to sleep and stay asleep for about four more hours. Woke up around 11am and just decided to get up. The migraine is lessened, but it has been lurking behind my left eye in the background way that only a fellow migraineur would understand. It's better but it's not gone and it could either fade away or go full blown again. It's walking on eggshells to make sure I don't do anything wrong to make it turn bad again. I'm sure it's because of this week being that time; I always have problems with migraine attacks and long-lasting migraines because of the hormone changes. It's like double the misery. Cramps AND migraines. Joy. Anyway, I'm just babbling. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm frustrated about my computer, needing a new harddrive and then needing to completely start from scratch again. I'm worried about raising the money for my domain hosting so I don't just disappear completely and I'm totally unsure what to do about it even if I DO raise the money. Do I stick with the risky host but leave things easy as is? Or do I go somewhere else, the hassle of moving and take a chance on someone else? Just not a really happy week. Just low and sad.
No Pc Blues
Day Two. No pc. Not just an unstable pc, but no pc at all. Bah. Worried about how I'm going to get money for my domain hosting costs. I can't even update my PhoenixFire site to try to sell things to raise the money because I can't upload photos from my camera, let alone edit them or make/update pages nor upload them to my domain. Another bah. Feeling really lonely. No one commented on my last entry. At all. Which makes me sad. I thought when I logged in today, I'd have a message or two to look forward to. But...nope. I guess I just feel really alone. I'm cold today. Can't get rid of this chill. It's only 50-something outside (compared to the fact it's been well into the low 80's pretty much the entire month of February) and it was 40-something overnight. The apartment just won't warm up and neither can I. Took a long, hot shower, but I couldn't hold on to the warmth more then a few minutes after I left the steamy bathroom. I even turned the heat on to try to get some of the chill out of the room but it's not helping. I've noticed that this apartment doesn't retain heat at all. It stays pretty cool, but not warm when you put the heat on. If the heat isn't running, there's just a coldness immediately to the air. It stinks. Had a miserable migraine yesterday and into the night. Tossed and turned all night because it just kept waking me up. This morning, when Love got up to get ready for work, it was still there. He gave me a migraine ice to put on my forehead (one of the only things that helps me fall asleep when I have a migraine) and I managed to sleep and stay asleep for about four more hours. Woke up around 11am and just decided to get up. The migraine is lessened, but it has been lurking behind my left eye in the background way that only a fellow migraineur would understand. It's better but it's not gone and it could either fade away or go full blown again. It's walking on eggshells to make sure I don't do anything wrong to make it turn bad again. I'm sure it's because of this week being that time; I always have problems with migraine attacks and long-lasting migraines because of the hormone changes. It's like double the misery. Cramps AND migraines. Joy. Anyway, I'm just babbling. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm frustrated about my computer, needing a new harddrive and then needing to completely start from scratch again. I'm worried about raising the money for my domain hosting so I don't just disappear completely and I'm totally unsure what to do about it even if I DO raise the money. Do I stick with the risky host but leave things easy as is? Or do I go somewhere else, the hassle of moving and take a chance on someone else? Just not a really happy week. Just low and sad.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Frustrations
My hard drive - the new(er) one that I started using as my primary after filling up my old (now secondary one) when I switched over to WinXP - is corrupt. It's bad. Seems like the crashing problems we've had since we tried to fix the ACPI errrors were due to that. The ACPI problems were in fact most likely fixed by the BIOS update, but with the bad sectors on the harddrive that we didn't know about, I couldn't tell because the system was still totally unstable. Right now, I'm typing this on Love's crappy little laptop (took me over six minutes just to log in and load the page here to write my entry! Grr!) and we're going to have to get a new hard drive, reinstall all the programs and OS, track down all my programs and everything, and try to get back into my harddrive to back up my files, email, etc. UGH. What a complete pain in the ass! And...it's now March 1st. My annual pre-paid hosting is going to run out this month. I don't know when exactly because when I emailed them for my billing login information, they didn't get back to me. So now I need to come up with like $160 for all my domains hosting for the year. I also wanted to change hosts but I haven't had time to track any down because of my constant downtime so now I don't know what to do, let alone where to start getting the money for my hosting. Grr. Last year, a bunch of people helped by donating towards the cost which was how I had it paid for the entire year. And what a relief that was not to have to struggle every month to come up with the funds. I was going to put up notices on my forums but with my pc down again completely and no idea how long it's going to be until I've got normal, regular access again, I'm afraid by the time I could make the announcements, it'd be too late to help. *sighs* Just really frustrated. Everything all at once as always, too much and leaving me just sitting, unable to do anything about it. I hate that helpless feeling. For the moment again, if you need to reach me, please use my gmail account - memoryanddream@gmail.com - since I can check that from other pc's easier. Also, should you, in your kindness wish to help out with my domain hosting issues, please send suggestions to that email address for hosts. I need at least 4gigs of transfer a month for each DDD and GETS, I need about 150 megs of space at least for each, I also would like the ability to host more then one domain on the plan, I also need subdomains, want a cpanel (control panel), and a host of other things I can't think of right now. Should you feel generous in the hosting cost issue, my paypal accepts either webmaster@giveneyestosee.com or webmaster@drinkdeeplyanddream.com Anyway, I'm basically pc-less at the moment (again). Just wanted to let everyone know why I'm suddenly not around.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Two Peads in a Pod
Well, iPod anyway.  Forgot that I never showed everyone BOTH of our free ipods together...  Isn't it time to get yours? Aww...aren't they cute together?  Love really loves his and talks about how much he loves it just about every day. Heh.Off to watch Medium.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
PhoenixFire Updates - Earrings
Just a few things today though more I've got in the works this week.  Genuine Swarovski Crystal Earrings in Two Tones of Smokey Grey  Genuine Swarovski Crystal Earrings with Lavender and a Green Aurora Borealis Effect Teardrop  Genuine Swarovski Crystal Earrings with Pale Pink and Aurora Borealis Effect Cubes So, like I said, just a few new items live on PhoenixFire Designs.  Enjoy!
|
