28 year old
Pagan female who lives in Florida with her guy and two cats,
loves Disney, reads fanatically, tinkers in photography and
believes growing up is overrated.
There are people on the net that have nothing better to do
with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
Tooth
Drive:
I need to
raise over $850 for critically needed dental
work. I'll be listing my hand made
jewelry, bracelets,
earrings, necklaces and horns
for sale to try to raise the desperately needed funds.
Every order helps. I can accept paypal payments at
webmaster@giveneyestosee.com
or check/money orders at:
M. Turner
PO Box 1484, Elfers, FL 34684
Thank you for your help and support.
I've also set
up a
tooth fund for anyone
wanted to donate without purchase.
Need a
good webhost?
Try
DreamHost. Use
my linkI'll get a
referal credit which goes straight into the Tooth Fund
as well.
No Water - Part 2 Good news? We had a 30 minute repreive so I was able to use that window to take a quick shower and flush the toliet again so it re-filled the tank. It wasn't the long, luxurious shower I had wanted, but it was a shower and as always, life is just a little bit beter from having bathed.
Bad news? They've turned it off again. And I have no idea for how much longer this time. It was off from about 1pm through 4pm and now... who knows? I have to wonder what excatly we're going to do if it's off into the evening and such. Cooking dinner, bathroom situation - you know, these are kinda important things. I don't have money to go eat out and it's going to suck if we can't make anything.
I just hope they finish whatever the second half of the fix quickly.
No Water So...fun day for me. Turns out they had some broken water main thingy next to my building. I could have told them that because the grassy area next to my building had developed a bit of a marshland quality to it with several inches of water pooled there for the last week or so. I assumed that they just hadn't gotten around to fixing it yet. You see, the complex is notorious for that. You report a problem, they tell you they'll get someone up there today and then eight or nine days later, someone actually comes to fix the issue. Turns out that they actually didn't know about the water leak but how was I supposed to have guessed that given their track record?
Anyway, the point is that I have no water. "Up to three hours" they said. Joy of joys. Do you know how badly I want to take a shower? And it's not just because they turned off my water and now I'm longing for it. Nope. I actually was tossing and turning most of the morning (lawn care guys came out at about 7:30am or so and kept me up for several hours of miserable, badly broken sleep) thinking how nice it'd feel when I got up to take a long, hot shower.
*sighs*
Hell, I had to brush my teeth with bottled water. Thankfully, there's always some around here but still. I can't take a shower, wash my face, and I only have one more toliet in the house. (I've already flushed one of them.) No water really blows. I was also planning on doing some laundry but that's way out for the day.
Bah. Damned leak. Having your water turned off really sucks.
Self-Doubt Ever get those moments where you really think that all your online friends don't actually like you? That maybe they did at one point, but they got sick of you some length of time ago and have only been putting in a lackluster effort to act like they still care? No, this isn't directed at anyone. It's really not. I've just been feeling like I'm such a loser that I've alienated all my friends away from me and that they don't want to even talk to me anymore. It's all this horrifically lack of self esteem right now because I'm in the middle of a particularly bad bout of my depression. Hell, I don't want to even listen to myself so it makes sense to me that no one else would want to either.
*sighs*
I just feel like there's no point to any of it. I feel like everyone avoids me because they don't want to have to deal with my constant crap. And the thing is, I don't blame them. But I still feel all alone in a crowd.
Normally, in the afternoons, I lay down for about a half an hour. I can't help it. The depression, the monotony, the lack of change in my schedule, I'm always tired. Trust me, four walls that never change and no reason to get out of bed will do that to a person. So anyway, today I woke up and I wasn't feeling all that hot. My nose has been running in a very uncomfortable way since about 2am last night and I was feeling especially achey/lethargic. So I laid down for my standard "power nap." I must add that I always just wake up after 30 minutes or so without any real deviation.
Today I slept three hours.
I had no clue I was asleep that long. I didn't toss and turn; I didn't wake up and make myself go back to sleep, I just closed my eyes and woke them three hours later. It's really bizarre. I feel a little bit rested but I also feel a little out of it. It just worries me that I slept for so long without meaning to.
Anyway, that's about all for now I suppose. The sad fact is, I feel like I could go lay back down right now. Instead, I think I'll get away from the pc and watch some tv. For some reason, the computer makes me sleepier then the tv.
Just For the Record I really, really, really fucking hate Father's Day commericals. Get dad what he really deserves! What a bullet in the back of the fucking head? Bet that's not what you had in mind, now is it. ALl these crappy Hallmark show dad he's the best sappy fucking commercials just piss me off. I have reason to be bitter and I have reason to boycott the day but these commercials just get worse every year.
Here's a clue: not every father is good. Not every father is special, important or worthy of your 30 second gag-fest every seven minutes. My sperm donor was a total fuckwad who beat me, my sister and my mother for the first thirteen years of my life. He screwed me over in every single conceivable way (yes, every way and no I'm not going to {a} talk about it or {b} get into specifics) and totally fucked my life. Then when my mom finally divorced him, he cashed in my Florida Pre-Paid College Plan which would have given me four years at any state university. So if it wasn't bad enough he stole my childhood, he stole my future too. Fucker.
I'm sure many of you have great dads. And you'll be having a nice time on Sunday. But I can't help be a little angry at all these reminders of how fucked up I had it and how these are wounds that never fully heal.
So fuck you Father's Day and fuck you Corporate America and your "don't forget dad!" ads.
Random This and That Stuff that's not enough to warrent a real entry of it's own, but things that are going on nonetheless that I wanted to comment on.
Mission Space Death Ok, if you haven't heard by now a four year-old boy died after riding Mission: Space in Epcot (story here). Several things come to mind when I read these stories.
First off, the media keeps making a huge thing about the fact there are motion sickness bags on the ride. So? There are motion sickness bags on planes too but that doesn't make headlines. Can you spew from the ride? Sure, but some people can't do the Tea Cups either.
Secondly, they also play up the fact that several people had chest pains from the ride but they fail to mention each one of the people were over the age of 55 and failed to adhere to the warnings. They have actually significantly increased the number of warnings to about a hundred times so if you still go on it, clearly it's your own fault. Over 8.6 million people have ridden it and only six have had chest pains and/or nausea intense enough to warrent paramedics.
That all said, third, what the hell were these parents thinking? Four years old is FAR too young to ride a thrill ride of that nature. I don't care if he was tall enough (which he was), it's still neglegent on the part of the parents to take him on a ride that's very well known for it's intensity. The ride is intense, yes. I've been on it myself. It made Love sicker then I've seen him in a long time (and he rides every coaster there is.) We rode it in the pre-opening days when there weren't a hundred warnings and we didn't know what the ride mechanism actually was. (A very lage, specially designed centrifuge basically.) I think it's a unique and original ride that people should give it a try once but I personally don't think I'll ride it anytime soon because it made me dizy. But I'm not four freakin' years old. I don't care if the kid likes thrill rides or whines for days about wanting to ride it, be a parent and tell the kid no. I don't think they set out to hurt or kill their child but I do think it was a damned stupid lack of parenting that put the kid in danger in the first place.
Oh and fourth: The ride is not dangerous. It's not deadly. It shouldn't be shut down and it shouldn't be lessened. People should just pay attention to the risks and ride - like any thrill ride or coaster - if they know they don't have any health concerns. The ride didn't malfuntion and it's not any more dangerous then any other thrill ride, you just have to rub two brain cells together and actually heed the warnings. If it were so dangerous, all 8.6 million of us would be a lot worse off.
Won't let it die Ok, so even though she finally died in March, the parents of Terri Schiavo refuse to believe the autopsy results:
Regardless of the autopsy findings, the Schindlers continue to believe their daughter was not in a persistent vegetative state, their lawyer, David Gibbs III, said after Thogmartin's report. He said they plan to discuss the autopsy with other medical experts and may take some unspecified legal action.
The autopsy reveled what we knew all along. There was no hope. She was so brain damaged that most of her brain had died. There was never even a smidge of hope of recovery. And that it was selfish and cruel of her parents to keep her like that.
A report from a neuropathologist who served as a consultant to the autopsy said Schiavo's brain was "grossly abnormal and weighed only 615 grams (1.35 pounds)." That weight is less than half of that expected for a woman of her age, said the report written by Dr. Stephen J. Nelson. "By way of comparison, the brain of Karen Ann Quinlan weighed 835 grams at the time of her death, after 10 years in a similar persistent vegetative state."
..
Schiavo's brain damage "was irreversible, and no amount of therapy or treatment would have regenerated the massive loss of neurons," Thogmartin said.
He said, the vision centers of her brain were dead, meaning she was blind. And his examination showed she would have been unable to take nourishment by mouth because of the danger she might aspirate the food.
Let it go already. Stop this insanity. While the nation only got to "enjoy" the sideshow circus of this case towards the end, those of us here in Florida have heard it for the entire length of the case. Really, to be blunt: move the fuck on. She's dead, she's not coming back and there's nothing left to sue over.
X thing causes cancer Yes, yes, we know. The fact is, breathing causes cancer. Being alive significantly increases your risk of cancer. Look, you can't live your life in a box. ("News at 11pm: boxes shown to cause cancer!") You just have to do it in moderation. Not too much of any one thing and you'll get by. You can't avoid every thing in the world that may increase your risk of cancer. You just can't. So you do what you can do. Don't overdo it on anything, avoid the obvious like smoking and get on with your life. Honestly, it's the best you can do. Worrying about cutting out red meat or butter or eggs or cheese or milk or coffee or whatever "it" is of the week is going to do a lot worse for your health then simply enjoying life in moderation. Because didn't you see the report? Stress causes cancer.
___
Ok, I'm done. I'm sure there was more I was going to mention but since it turned into a ranty kind of post I think it's long enough.
Hair and Shoes My mom came by on Monday and we hit the other mall near me. She needed to return something and didn't want to do it at the mall we were at on Thursday. You may remember that despite her best efforts on Thursday to buy me a pair of shoes, it didn't work out. Well, Monday I caved. I couldn't really make up any excuses since the pair that I had liked in the first mall didn't fit right but the same exact style fit just fine in a different pair at the second mall. They were on sale and so I went home with these thanks to my mother:
Chocolate Brown Sandals, almost no heel - exactly what I'd been looking for
So yeah, they're cute. And I like them. Still though, you know how it is. Feeling guilty and all that.
The other half of the post is another update. This time to the question of whether or not to cut my hair. I opted for cut. She didn't cut it as short as I said but it still looks significantly better and much healthier. It doesn't look like a lot in the photos, but she did take four or so inches off.
Yeah, ignore my messy bathroom in the background. I needed something to prop the camera up on and the towel bar worked well.
Ultimately, I think I'd have wanted another inch or so off, but it's all good. It looks a lot nicer and way less cavewoman-esque. Plus it makes a cut little bob in a ponytail. I'm happy I did it even if it's not as drastic a change as I thought it'd be.
Today was a blah day. So blah I dozed off not once but twice. And didn't really feel any better for it. I'm still in a blue funk so nothing much propells me in any direction. It's all just pretty much the same, monotonous lethargy and depression no matter what day, where I am or what's going on. Sucks. It's also why I'm still really having to force an entry and why I'm going to stop before I start annoyingly whinning again.
Crickets Chirping I know. I've been such a post slacker lately. I just feel like I have nothing to say and that I lack the energy or desire to open up the blogger screen and try to think of something to type up. Seems like the daily recounting of things is just pointless, monotonous and well, quite frankly meaningless. Seems more effort then it's worth to bother with. Let's try anyway I guess. I have nothing better to do.
Hung out with my Mom on Thursday. She kept trying to buy me a pair of sandals. Which is silly because she doesn't need to be spending money for a pair of shoes for me. But she got it in her head and we hit several stores and I tried on a couple dozen pairs but I didn't see anything that made me go, "oh, I want to take you home." It was all just, "eh" and I thought I shouldn't waste my mom's money on something that wasn't really that interesting. She was disappointed because she really wanted to get me a pair but I really didn't find what I wanted. She's coming over on Monday though and we're hitting the other mall and I'm sure she'll want me to look around for a pair there. She's very well-meaning and don't get me wrong, I (like most women) enjoy shoes, but still. It makes me feel bad when my mom's all trying to buy me things. I just don't want to feel like I'm making/guilting her into it or that I'm taking advantage. I have to fight her off though from getting things. I can't make a casual remark about something because if I do, she's trying to buy it for me! She doesn't have money or anything.
In fact, for those of you who don't realize this, my mom is actually disabled. She suffers (and suffer is the right word for it) from Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. Basically multiple types of auto-immune disorders where her own body attacks itself. Her "mix" includes, among other things, Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. It's quite a horrible thing and my sister and I actually have to basically wait and see; we could come down with one or more of the conditions at literally any point in our lives. There's no way to know. She became disabled a few years ago when she was in her early 50's.
Anyway, I do enjoy spending the day with her but I feel bad because I don't want her to feel the need to push so hard to get me something when we hang out. It's like, I just want her to know it's ok if we just hang out and window shop. No purchase needed.
Friday we treated ourselves to some Chilli's. It's been a looong, broke, month or so since we last had some spare cash so I wanted to get out of the apartment a bit. Got the kid's sized ribs (because they don't offer a half-rack otherwise) and they were super yummy. Later on, I got a bannana split from DQ and though it was huge, I actually finished it. This doesn't sound amazing but I literally almost never can eat. It's not that I have an eating disorder or anything or that I dislike food. It's just that my stomach is so bad (sooo bad) that it hurts pretty much every moment of my life and I get very sick from the act of eating very quickly. I usually can't finish a kid's portion of things and often find myself frustrated by taking two bites of something and feeling sick. I have to eat tiny bits throughout the day because I can't eat any quantity at any time. I normally "graze" during the day and I get enough calories and everything, but eating out somewhere is generally such a waste for me. I simply am incapable of eating full meals. The fact I managed to eat and enjoy my dinner and later dessert really made my night. It's quite hard to put it into words if you don't know me and know my stomach how rare of a thing that was.
Today (well, technically it's Sunday, but I haven't gone to bed yet, so it's still Saturday in my mind), we ran errands. Costco, Target, PetSmart - that kind of thing. Stuff that's needed doing for weeks now but that we haven't had the cash for. You know, stocking up on things again.
Tomorrow, I'm thinking of going and getting my hair cut. I've been debating for weeks now about it. It's soooo long these days. Down to the middle of my back (when it's curled so it's even longer wet.) I want to cut it up just below my shoulders. My mom freaked when I said that. She said it's too pretty to cut. It is pretty. And it does look nice. But it will grow back and right now it's just a lot of hair, it's hot, summer's here and I think I need a bit of a change. I can always let it grow out after this and it'll be long again by the end of the year. I dunno. I want to but I'm nervous about it. This is the longest it's been in quite awhile and it's actually the healthiest it's been when long in awhile too. I just feel like I want something a little fresh and new. But I'm still nervous about actually doing it.
Ok, well I think I managed to utterly and completely babble pointlessly for far too much by now. I still really don't actually want to publish it because it's just so damned stupid but whatever, I guess I will anyway. I'm still in a bad place mentally/emotionally and things are just not going well so it's really coloring my [lack of] self-esteem right now and I just don't want to deal with any of it. Especially not act like anything in my life is interesting or important when it's not even close. So writing about it just reminds me how lame and pathetic and pointless it all is. Whatever. Even I'm sick of myself and my words so I'm going to just shut up.
