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There are people on the net that have nothing better to do with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
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Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Ongoing Status Towards Perm Job
(This is long but it's really important, potentially life-changing stuff. I'd really appreciate thoughts.) It's gotten a bit confusing. Apparently the position has not been approved yet. It's not authorized yet for an official hire. But, to complicate things, they're looking to make it a full time position if it is approved. K. confirmed I'd be their first choice, however, basically only on full-time. So I broke down yesterday afternoon and basically explained about my digestive issues/IBS. Without getting into graphic detail, I gave her a sketch of how my stomach works (or rather, doesn't) and how long stretches of hours away from the facilities is just an impossibility for me. I told her how it severely impacts my life and how it makes it almost completely impossible to wrangle it into order every day, day in and day out like that. I'm lucky if I can make it one day with that little time in the entire day, let alone five days in a row. We threw out some ideas and discussions on work-arounds, minimum requirements in terms of hours they'd absolutely require and what we could do so I could fit their needs - if approved mind, it's not even officially authorized yet! - and yet still keep my body as happy as possible and not worsen my health. At 30 hours a week, you can get insurance which of course would be helpful since I basically haven't seen a doctor in like five years but they'd be shooting for more like 32 min. I went home yesterday and spent most of the night awake, tossing and turning. The downside was that this morning found me badly sick to my stomach and still dealing with the Migraine That Won't End but the upside is that I came up with what I thought was a fair schedule which achieves both their needs and mine. The office opens at 8:30am and closes at 5:30pm. This means I have to get up around 7:30am and know my stomach won't work properly before I have to rush out the door and leave. By around 10 or 10:30am, my stomach is in hell and I'm stuck facing two more hours before I can go home at noon. At which time, I am stuck tyring to rush and hurry again, spending my entire lunch hour in the bathroom, rarely having time to even eat, then going back and having a four and a half hour block again before I can get home. The day starts off terrible because my stomach needs a lot of "wake-up" time when I get up and doesn't like to behave in the mornings to start with. My suggestion goes something like this: start at 10am. This gives me much more time in the morning to take it slow, not have to rush-rush-rush to catch my ride and try to start the day off better. Then, I'd work until 1pm or 1:30pm - basically when K. gets back from lunch. I'd take my lunch from 1-2pm or 1:30-2:30pm. Then I'd only have three or 3.5 hours until the end of day. This gives me a total of 6.5 hours every day - 32.5 hours a week - but in blocks no more then three and a half hours at a time. Plus, it gives me more time in the morning to get off to a better start. To me, it seemed like an absolute win-win suggestion. I'm not sure it's quite as well received as I'd hoped. I explained it to K. this morning and she said she'd have to talk to L. (her boss) to see how they want to proceed. I suggested that we do a trial run on this kind of schedule to see how it works out. I believe it's much more long-term do-able for me. I think it's a kind of schedule I can better keep up with and not have to be so erratic and miss mornings or leave early. It's a schedule that I really have hope I can prove I can be reliable if given a little wiggle room for my health. I'm going to finish this week and do next week on this schedule. Right now, there's a conflict though in terms of getting there in the morning. See, we only have one car (and barely that) which Love takes to his job of course. My friend Rand is the one who gets me on his way in to work because he passes my apartment complex on his way in. But he needs to be there at 8:30am. And he can't guarentee he'd be able to leave for a few minutes (we're only a few miles away) every morning at 10am to get me then. So for the time being, I'll need to get up and go in with him, drop him off and then come back and start getting ready. It means still basically getting up around the same time (though I can probably sleep an extra half-hour.) Ideally, the 10am start time works because it keeps me from having to wake up so early. 7am to me is like 4am to most people. It's in the middle of my deepest sleep cycle and getting up that early contributes to the rebellion by my stomach. So I'm just a little worried that this trial is going to prove a harder example then how it'd be when we eventually are able to get a second car. Because getting myself in at 10am gives me a ton more flexibilty in my morning time management then having to be out of the house at 8:20am. I just don't want to fuck this up basically. But I'm really worried that it's not going to give me as much of the realistic time and schedule that I need to make this work. And all of this could be smoke and mirrors anyway. They could wind up keeping me on for a few weeks until they find someone to commit to 40 full hours a week. I'm worried I'm going to push myself hard and work at it and really give it my all...and end up with an, "I'm sorry but..." spiel at the end. I don't know if it's legit doubt or if it's my inner fears coming to the surface. I'm always very self-conscious about whether people are lying to me; if they're just being nice to my face. It's a big issue with me. I've run into too many examples in my life where things weren't what I initially thought they were that I'm just once bitten, twice shy now. I have fragile health. It's not very good day in, day out to start with but I push it even a little and it all crumbles. I'm like a walking house of cards. But I so desperately need to do something - and to help alleviate the crippling financial crisis we've been living in for so many years. I'm so tired of trying and really giving it everything I have only to find out it's not enough. There's only so many times I can give excuses before people just stop believing me. Afterall, I look fine so obviously, there's nothing wrong, right...? I've lost so many jobs due to my health. I've been on FMA, doctor ordered bedrest and daily infusions which still wasn't enough to keep my jobs. It still wasn't enough "proof" that I can't live up to the standards everyone else so easily skims through. I live in this half-state where I'm healthy enough to do somethings but not healthy enough to count on doing a specific thing on a specific day or for a specific amount of time. And the "real world" doesn't work that way and it doesn't accomedate someone who has limitations like that. So I don't know. Tomorrow I'll officially start my day at 10am but I'll still be getting up almost as early. I don't know if it's going to work out the way I plan or if it's just going to be another reason why I just can't bring myself to try anymore. I'm so tired of failing. I was feeling hopeful last night despite my insomina; hopeful that I was going to find a workable compromise but it was received with such... "eh" reaction I think I've already lost before I can even begin. I need to head to bed. My wrist hurst from typing so I should stop anyway. I just don't know how to put it all out into words and how to express how encompassing this all is on my life, my future, my everything. I just know it's hard and it doesn't seem like it's going to work out to be a little bit easier like I'd hoped. And that brings me full circle back to depression and existing in a state without hope. Because if you don't hope, you won't be hurt when it all falls apart like it always does...
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/05/2006 11:21:00 PM ~
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